Pardon me while I work through my issues on my blog

I know we aren't supposed to say things like this, as mothers, but jC has been quite the difficult child the last couple of weeks.  No, that's a lie.  To be more accurate, it's been much, much more than a couple of weeks.

You see, jC is 4, almost 5.  And I can only assume he is acting like a typical 4, almost 5 year old.  (At least that's what I tell myself for comfort.)  Yes, he is is still very young.  However, when he is the oldest of our children, I put (unnecessary) pressure on him to act older and more mature.  I know it's my flaw.

-He says no to everything we ask him to do.  But he doesn't just say no.  (Although we hope he does when he's older.)  He's all "NooooOOOOoooooo!!!!" *foot stomp* *arm cross*
-There are about a million and one toys in our house, most of which he is never, ever interested in.  Until luC starts to play with it.  Then he makes it his life mission to take it away from her and keep it away from her.
-I cannot tell you how many times I've watched him play nicely with luC,  bringing me a brief moment of some relief, and then 2 seconds later he smacks her in the face.
-He often has to be put in his room for hitting and not staying in time out and then hitting some more.  Then pounding and yelling on his bedroom door after he is put in there.  (The pounding and yelling is music to our ears, which is why we make it happen so often.)
-The first hour of church has become torturous for us.  He takes everything from luC.  He won't let her play with anything she wants to, and he beats up on his poor defenseless daddy.  But, he does all of this with a smile and laughter.  If you are a parent, you know that this is one of the most frustrating times as a parent to keep calm.
-He will not eat new food.  Even when it's delicious and I know it's something he will like.  He repeatedly says he doesn't like it and goes back to that whole  "NooooOOOOoooooo!!!!" thing I first mentioned.
-Every single night before bed, he has to go to the bathroom.  Every.single night.  And yet some how, it seems to come as a surprise to him each night when we make him do it...just like he's done all the previous nights before.  The effort it takes to get him just to go to the bathroom sometimes before bed is exhausting just to think about.

I could go on, but I'll refrain.  You get the point.

So...jC's bed has a shelf as a headboard.  It's been great.  During quiet time (a must in our house) he uses his shelf headboard to play with his cars, build with his blocks, and play with any other toys he feels needs the shelf-headboard treatment.

One day, he had his door cracked and I stood there watching him play.  He was playing with the blocks in the above picture (although this picture was not taken then.)  He was stacking the blocks up high, making them symmetrical on each side of the shelf.  The problem was, the shelf was a little off kilter and one side wasn't making for an even building ground.  I knew, as he was about to put a piece on that it would make that whole side fall.  He was putting so much care into it.  On went his next piece and down went his work of art.

He hung his head down, let out the saddest little "humph" with the saddest little frown on his face, and defeated, dropped his shoulders and hands.

In that moment, I felt everything a mother feels for her child when a child feels hurt and disappointed.  (Yes, all because of some silly blocks.) I saw him for the little child that he truly is and am always forgetting he is. I wanted to rush in there and fix his shelf and help him fix his building.  I stayed and watched for just a little bit more, and saw him as he picked his head up and tried to build it again.  But, going back to those motherly feelings I was having, I rushed in there to help him because I couldn't take seeing him disappointed like that again.

I will always remember that look on his face.  A look that I had never seen as he's played around the house. It was an honest moment he had when he had no idea anyone was watching.  And every time he is hitting luC, or yelling "NO!" at the top of his lungs, or refusing to go to the bathroom even though his legs are crossed to prevent an accident...I try in that very moment (not always successfully) to remember that look on his face.  To remember how little and innocent he truly is.  And when I do successfully remember that moment and remember who he really is, it makes it much easier to handle those difficult moments.

Accomplishments

luC is 2 and a half years old.  It is safe to say that accomplishments she makes at 2.5 are not things that I would consider accomplishments at my age.

Figured out how to get the cap off of something...accomplishment.
Got a shoe on with no help...accomplishment.
Reached something that was up on the counter...accomplishment.
Finding random pieces of food around the house or car and getting to eat them in all their stale glory...accomplishment!
Getting something away from jC....ACCOMPLISHMENT!!

This knowledge that her accomplishments are "smaller" than things I would consider is nothing new.  

But a couple of days ago, as I drove us around running errands, I watched her in the rear view mirror.  I watched as she took the sunglasses off that *I* put on her because she has a hard time getting them on right. I watched her as she tired with all of her concentration to put her sunglasses on top of her head, the way I wear them when I'm inside.  I watched her as she struggled and got a little flustered as she'd get them on and they'd immediately fall down.  And I watched her as she finally accomplished getting them on there.  She looked so proud of her "little" accomplishment.

When we pulled up to our house, I got my camera ready and I opened the door.  I asked her if I could take a picture, and she was more than willing to capture her accomplishment in a picture.  Her response was "I put them on mine head!!!"  The look on her face in the picture says it all.

It got me thinking about myself, and what I consider accomplishments.

As a mother with young kids, I often feel like I accomplish nothing, and I often feel like I fall short.  Truth is, a large part of this is probably because I not only compare myself to other moms, but because I compare myself to moms that have kids that are grown up.  But I compare, none the less, which never has a positive outcome.  

The bottom line is, in my comparison with other moms, I focus on all of the things I don't accomplish. My house doesn't seem clean enough, my kids don't seem well behaved enough, and my fuse isn't long enough.

 But when I really think about it, and stop making comparisons, I accomplish so much....even if people on the outside might consider it a small accomplishment.

I got out of bed....accomplishment.

I didn't lose my temper when one of the kids did something wrong...accomplishment.

I made a dinner...accomplishment.

I got out of pajamas and put make up on...accomplishment.

Taught my kids what a word means...accomplishment.

I made it a whole day with out crying...accomplishment.

Gathered the trash for juC...accomplishment.

I went to the grocery store with all 3 kids...accomplishment.

Defused a fight between jC and luC...accomplishment.

The day is over and my husband and children were cared for and loved...ACCOMPLISHMENT.

No matter how anyone else views it, each accomplishment I make throughout the day, big or little, is still an accomplishment.  And I need to be more like luC and be proud of each one that is achieved instead of comparing and focusing on all that isn't.  Maybe...just maybe, if I focus on those accomplishments instead of supposed failures, I'll actually start to view myself as the good mom that I have been accused of being.