All about ME!

I feel like I am surrounded by talented people.  So many of my family and friends are so talented.  And it's like they are all greedy with their talents because it's not just a couple of things that they are really good at, but a whole slew of things.  It hardly seems fair.  And it makes me feel inadequate.  So many things other people are good at that I'm not.  Then I thought "Hey, instead of focusing on that, I should focus on the things I am good at!" And then I decided I might as well make a list.  Because there were so many talents I do have once I really thought about it, I didn't have anymore room on the mental list I was using.  So here is a hard copy of my talent list.  (I thought I'd share it with everyone in case you, too, were thinking I didn't have any talents and want to know what things I'm actually good at.)

--I'm super talented at putting my foot in my mouth.  In fact, I'm so good at it that I don't usually notice it's in there until half of my leg has worked it's way in there, too.

--When it comes to laundry my talents are varied!  1.  I'm good at waiting until the last possible day to get laundry done.  2.  I'm awesome at putting clothes in the dryer then forgetting to start the dryer.  3.  I'm amazing at putting clean clothes in a laundry basket and never putting them away.  AND 4.  I'm great at not ironing wrinkly clothes.

--I'm a talented driver...back seat driver.  Just ask juC.

--I am so, so, so, so, sososososo talented at eating.  I mean really.  I can eat anywhere, anytime, anyhow.  I can eat fast.  I can eat slow.  I can eat cold things or hot things.  Sweet things or savory things.  You show me some food, and I will show you the best way to eat it.

--Some talents took becoming a mother to develop.  Like being mean to kids was a talent I never had until my children came along.  I'm still perfecting this talent, but my kids think I'm a master at it.

--I have a great talent in avoiding people.

--I am amazingly talented at sitting on the couch doing nothing when the house needs to be cleaned without feeling an inch of guilt about it.  It's one of my favorite talents.

--juC probably wouldn't want me to admit this, but I am so dang good at making him feel guilty.  It's a talent I've really tried to perfect over the years.  I'm not sure if I've mastered it yet, I'll have to ask him.

--You know how there are some talents that you try to hide because if people knew you had them, they'd always be asking you questions about it?  This is one of them.  I have an inhuman ability to wear nothing but pajamas and stay in my house for DAYS.  I've considered trying to set a world record for most consecutive days wearing pajamas while remaining inside, but jC starting school really threw me off my game.

--I have a very special talent in hearing what people say and twisting it into what I want to hear.  This talent can be used for both good and evil.

--I am top notch when it comes to not making goals.

I could go on, but I have a messy kitchen and a couch I need to go sit on while I look at the messy kitchen.  I highly suggest if you are feeling overwhelmed by your supposed lack of talent compared to everyone else's plethora of talent, to sit down and make a list of your own.

Memories

Last week, after jC got home from school, he and luC sat down to watch a show.  Baby cC came up and started pulling on luC's feet and she called out to me that he was getting her.  jC sweetly said "you can put them on me so he can't get you."

Since jC started kindergarten, they pretty much fight nonstop after he gets home from school.  (Particularly about luC sitting too close in proximity to him while they watch a show) So when this scene went down, there was a glimmer of hope that they won't be mortal enemies forever.

There are a whole slew of occurrences like this that I'm so scared I'm going to forget but want to always remember.  I have been absolutely horrible at keeping a journal, which makes me so sad.

Like a few weeks ago when jC and luC were going up the stairs and jC said "I'm going to win!" (because he always has to win) and luC sweetly and innocently said "I'm going to lose." (because for the most part, what does she care?)

Or last week when luC found one of those neck support things for when people travel and thought it was a boppy.  She put it around her and said she was going to feed cC.  Then proceeded to pull up her shirt as he sat in the exersaucer and he tried to grab her.

Then there was about a month ago when I was on a walk with luC and cC.  It's funny because luC has no interest in cars.  Because...she's a 2 year old girl and all.  But she is always noticing jeeps.  (Yeah!)  So there was a jeep that she saw out on our walk that prompted a conversation about her wanting a jeep and that's what she's going to drive when she's a big girl.  Something about having that conversation with a 2 year old was funny and made me proud.

And one of my favorites is when I'm in another room doing something and cC starts crying and jC says "cC is crying and luC didn't do anything!"  Because we all know if cC is crying, it's probably because luC is torturing him!

And last week I got jC his pouch apple sauce to put into his lunch box.  I showed him that these ones had new helicopter looking tops to make for easier opening for younger kids.  He was asking all about it and said "Who came to put the new tops on?"  I love the way their little minds work.

Or the way luC calls high chairs "hiding chairs".
Or the way jC calls Chuck-e-Cheese "Chuck-e-cheezits" and McDonald's "Old McDonald's".
Or the way jC and luC both say "smarshmellows".

Seriously, I don't want to forget ANYTHING!  Ok, maybe I do want to forget some of it.  But for the love of Pete, I really need to do better about documenting!!  It already makes me sad to think about all of the little things I'm going to forget

But going back to my first story and mentioning my kids constant fighting about sitting too close to each other.  What is with that?!  We seriously have a very large couch that could seat 7 people comfortably, but my 2 small children can't make it work?  And we have a very large floor area, and my kids both want to sit in the same spot on the floor and have a huge fight about it?  I swear, it's a conspiracy!

Esther 12:27

One of the biggest sources The biggest source of guilt that I feel in my every day life is in my lack of abilities as a mother.  Specifically my biggest weakness...my lack of patience which usually quickly escalates to a raised voice or yelling.  Every time I yell at one of my children I immediately feel guilty.  Every time I read things from other people who talk about their imperfections as a parent, but then say things like "But at least I don't yell at my kids", I feel guilty.  I read those things, or read uplifting posts from other moms who have "figured it out" and I vow to myself to do better.

But the reality is, the next day luC stands by the toilet and pees on the floor.  And then she body slams cC because he has a toy she wants.  And jC freaks out because he can't have what he wants right when he wants it.  And he hits luC for the pure joy of it.  The new day and new start I was looking forward to is just a brand new day of the reality that I am impatient and my kids are kids.

Yesterday, as I sat on the couch and juC was down in the basement with the kids, little jC came upstairs.  He was smiling and happy and he kept hugging me and giving me kisses.  He grabbed on to my hand, and gently shaking his head with exclamation, he whispered "I really love you."  My heart melted and broke at the precise moment he said it.

Then later in the day, luC came and sat on me while I was watching General Conference.  Similar to my experience with jC in the morning, she repeatedly hugged me and kissed me, and kept sweetly saying "I love you."  Similarly, my heart melted and broke at the same time.

My kids are kids.  They are pure.  They are sweet.  They are easy to forgive and usually easy to forget.  But I know it won't always be that way.  As they showed so much natural affection to me it made me thankful that apparently I'm doing at least part of my job right.  It made me glad that in spite of my failings, they can still find it in their heart to love me and appreciate me.  But it made my heart break because I know that in the not distant future, they will grow up.  And when they grow up, they won't so easily forgive my shortcomings.  They won't so easily look past my lack of patience.  They won't be so willing to show me love when I'm so willing to show them anger.

With all of my heart I want to do better.  I want to be the mom they deserve and need.  I'm trying with all of my might to be patient and loving even when they push me to my absolute limit.  I don't know if I will ever perfect my impatience.  But I hope with everything in me that I can overcome what I consider to be a huge trial before they are old enough to lose their patience with me and realize that maybe I don't deserve their unconditional love.  I will strive each day to do a little bit better than I did the day before in the hopes that one day I will get it right.  And I will find a little bit of comfort in the fact that even though I may not be doing it right, I am at least trying.