A plea to the mothers

There's something that's been bugging me for a while.  6 years to be exact.

"Enjoy every minute of it because it goes by so fast."
"Enjoy it now because they won't always be this little.  And you're going to miss it."
"Enjoy them while they're little."
"It's so much easier when they are little.  When they are older is when it's really hard!  So enjoy it now"
etc, etc, etc.

They are well meaning comments.  I know that.  I really do.  But the fact of the matter is, they aren't really helpful.  In fact, for me, nothing is harder to hear when I'm having a hard time then "Enjoy it now."

Why is it hard to hear?  Because it makes me feel guilty!  I don't enjoy it when my kids scream their heads off at each other.  I don't enjoy it when they fight over every.single.toy. in the house that no one was interested in playing with until one kid happened to pick it up.  I don't enjoy taking my kids to the store and having them have a complete meltdown because I said "no" to something they wanted.  I don't enjoy having an audience for EVERYTHING I do.  (I've always wanted to be an actor and having an audience enjoy my work, but this isn't exactly what I was shooting for).  I don't enjoy fighting to get my 1st grader to do homework that he doesn't want to do because he's already been gone for 8 hours and he just wants to play.  I don't enjoy it when my kids repeatedly reject dinner because "they don't like" something they've never even tasted.

So when someone comes along and tells me to enjoy every minute, and I know I don't and won't enjoy every minute, I feel guilty.  It makes me feel like I'm doing it all wrong.  And someone is always around to tell me that something I'm doing is wrong, so it just gets put on the list of  "All the Things I'm Doing Wrong as a Mom."  It's a long list.  I already feel guilty for a lot of other things.  I don't need to feel guilty for not enjoying all of it, too.

But it goes beyond the guilt I feel when someone says it.  When someone tells you that "this is nothing" and to "just wait until they're older" because that's when it's really hard, it invalidates your feelings.  It's hard to basically be told that your feelings are invalid.  Because your feelings ARE valid.  No one can know exactly how you feel but you, and when someone is basically telling you that what you are feeling is wrong, it hurts.

I will always remember when I told someone that I am always told to enjoy it now because it gets so much harder when they're older she basically said "That's not fair.  They're both hard.  They're just hard in different ways. But it's still hard."  I can still hear her saying that to me when other people tell me differently, and I'll forever be grateful for it!

So my plea to you...all of you that have passed this particular phase in your life where you have young kids, is to please remember.  Please remember how it felt to you then.  Please remember how it felt to always have someone on you.  Please remember how it felt to constantly be asked for juice, or a snack, or a show.  Please remember how it felt when your kids fought all day long.  Please remember how it felt to be up several times during the night with a baby, and to then have to get up and face the day with all of your young children.  Please remember how it felt to try to talk and reason with little humans who don't even know how to fully express themselves or their wants.  And remember how it felt to just feel so overwhelmed with it all and to feel like it would never end (even though you knew it would).

And when you remember that, and then you hear a mom of young kids struggling, don't automatically tell them to enjoy it or tell them how much harder it is later.  Instead, it would be so meaningful for that mom to hear "I know!  It is hard!" and to just get some sympathy and understanding from someone who's been there and done that.  Because we know that it goes fast and that we'll miss it (well, as much as you can know when it hasn't actually happened but do know it does happen).  And we do know that there will be lots of huge trials when they are older (I'm already stressing about those days)(plus, I was a teenager/young adult once, and I remember what I was like.  yeesh! Not looking forward to being the one to deal with that!).  But what we need to know is that we shouldn't feel guilty and our feelings our valid, and we aren't the only ones who haven't enjoyed every moment of it, and that everything will be ok.  We will continue to enjoy the good, but we want to not feel bad about not enjoying the hard stuff, too.

Stop!

Every day at 1:00 p.m. is quiet time in our house.  cC naps, luC has to play in her room, and bC and I nap in my bed (usually).  The last 2 days I have so been looking forward to quiet time, as my eyes have burned with tiredness all morning.  (Not due to bC keeping me up at night, but I think due to the medication I'm taking.)  Then quiet time comes, and I lie in bed by bC and I just can't sleep.  I close my eyes and soak in the relief of my burning eyes finally resting, then I can't help but open them again and stare at bC.

For a few years now I've had my mind set on 5 children.  Everything about that just felt...right.  Which was a huge leap from after jC was born and I was convinced there was no way I could have more.

But over the last couple of months, all of that rightness has become uneasiness.  I obviously just had a baby, so I obviously have time to figure it all out.  However, I feel like I need to savor every single second in case I don't get to experience it again.  And also feel like I need to figure it out so I can mentally prepare myself for whatever outcome there is, because no matter what, it's going to be hard.

These are the days when I hate, hate my DVT.  These are the days when I feel like it's ruined everything.  These are the days when I just wish more than anything that I could go back in time and know what it was, what exact moment it was that caused my DVT, and do something differently in that moment to stop it from happening.

I'm mad that that my DVT leg is larger than my other leg and probably always will be.  I'm mad that I'm vain enough to care about my leg being larger than my other leg.  I'm mad that my leg feels heavy and gets swollen if I'm on my feet.  I'm mad that I can't exercise the way I want to.  I'm mad that I can't go for my walks like I used to.  I'm mad that if I were to have a 5th, like I thought I would, that it would mean shots in my stomach daily for over 9 months.  I'm mad that if I have a 5th, I'd be worried the whole time that in spite of the medicine, I might get another clot.  I'm mad that for the rest of my life, when I travel for long distances, I'm going to worry about getting another clot.  I'm mad that I have to worry about eating something that's going to affect my medication.  I'm mad that most of the day and especially at the end of the day, my leg feels heavy and achy like I've been exercising.  I'm just mad.  And I'm mad that I'm mad.  I'm mad that my last post was about how grateful I was, and that this post is about how mad I am.

And I'm mad that baby bC won't stop growing!  It frustrates me that I'm not enjoying this time like I should.  I feel like it's going by way too quickly, and that my mind is too many other places.  What if this is my last baby? What if these are the last days of me getting to feed a newborn, and rock a newborn to sleep?  What if this is the last time that I'm getting to experience the first smile, the first laugh, the first time rolling over, and the first steps?  I feel a little bit cheated that this is how I'm experiencing it.  I wish more than anything everything with my kids would just freeze for a little bit.  I just want everything to stop!

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I truly am grateful for so much.  But right now, I'm also just mad. So I guess for now, I'll keep staring at my sleeping baby whenever I actually get the chance to, and hope that some day soon I will change my attitude so that I can be more happy and not so mad.

Boy Oh Boy....Oh Boy

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.  I never, ever, ever pictured myself as a mom of 3 boys.  Just saying it makes my heart race.  For some reason, I thought 2 boys would be the max.  I'd had a feeling all along that it was another boy, which would be the first time ever that my feeling was right.  And I can't deny the fact that I was hoping for just one more girl.  But of course, all that matters to me is that we have a sweet little baby to hold in the end.  No matter what is hidden under it's diaper.

I've been thinking of the benefits of having another boy.  For starters, we have a billion boxes of boy clothes.  We are getting some really good use out of these clothes!  A large portion of the smaller sizes of clothes came from my sister.  And a good chunk of the clothes that came from my sister first came from my brother.  Which means that a lot of them had already been worn by 3 boys before they got to me.  Then my 2 boys have worn them.  Which means by the time this baby wears them, he'll be the 6th one to wear them.  So, I'd say that the money spent on the clothes was very, very well spent and put to good use!

Along with that is that we are already getting a good stock pile of Halloween costumes for the fellas!  It won't be long before we have all we need and I won't even have to buy anymore.

One of the problems of our home is that leftover food usually sits in the fridge and then gets thrown away.  It's such a waste.  With 3 boys we will no doubt not have that problem because either 1.  There won't be any leftovers from dinner or 2.  The leftovers will get eaten soon after.

Let's be honest...girls are emotional.  And I'm not trying to say that boys aren't, but we all know it's different.  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about the fact that as of right now, I'm glad that we only have 1 girl to deal with when it comes to a certain part of a girls life.  I imagine that the boys in the family will later agree that 2 of us is plenty.

One day I'm really going to enjoy sending all of the boys outside to mow the grass, trim the bushes, build things with wood and bricks, and use chainsaws...while luC and I stay inside baking cookies and brownies and eating chocolate while watching romantic comedies and follow it up by
going to the mall.

With 3 boys that will probably each be taller than me by the time they are 12 (poor luC, she's so tiny I'm not sure she has that same chance), surely I will look like a little lady with a crew of bodyguards around me.  That's always a plus!

I've always wanted to know every single detail of how Boy Scouts works.  Here's my chance!  And boys haircuts are way easier/cheaper than girls!  Buzz cuts for everyone!

Ok, so seriously, before you start judging me and thinking I'm a girl hater...I really was hoping to have one more girl.  Of course if we have another, there's still a chance.  But I have to look on the bright side now and start psyching myself out now.  Because who knows, we may have another one...and it may be another boy.  (And that's ok, too!!)

We're Having Another Baby!

In case you missed it (how could you have missed it?)  the C Clan is having another baby.  Yes, ANOTHER baby.  (Believe it or not, there are people out there that have more children than us.  WAY more children than us.  Stop acting so surprised by us having our 4th.)

It's funny.  I hate making lists...like, to do lists.  HATE it.  If I had to choose between making a to-do list and digging a 4x4 foot deep hole with a kitchen spoon, I'd choose the latter.  But for some reason, when it comes to blogging, I'm all about the lists.  Which is something you've probably realized if you've read more than a few of my blog posts.

So of course, I have to make a list, for you, about why we are having another baby.  Not that I really think I owe an explanation.  But hey,  if it helps, why not.

--I gave our first reason on facebook, when announcing our pregnancy.  And I quote, "So here's the thing. I personally think it is important for all of the really good parents in the world that raise smart, nice, well behaved children to have lots of children so as to populate the world with. Conversely, I think it is equally important for all of the inadequate parents in the world that raise sassy, ill-behaved children to have lots of children to even things out. Which is why we are having another baby. Coming to even things out sometime around August."

--I love changing diapers!  Love it, love it, love it.  The more, the merrier.  It's right up there on my list of loves next to making to-do lists.

--juC looks super cute holding a newborn baby.  (And changing their diapers, when he begs me to let him have a turn.)

--When we moved into our house, I did pretty well get unpacked in an appropriate amount of time.  However, it wasn't very organized.  I had cC, at home, a little over a year after we moved into our house.  Those few months leading up to his birth, I was a machine.  I got the house cleaned and organized like never before.  It was awesome.  Then cC was born and it took approximately 3 days 14 hours and 27 minutes for all of the cleaning and organization I did to come undone and only decline since then.  Soooo, have another baby at home = motivation and energy to get the house cleaned and organized to the max.  It's a win-win.  Cute newborn baby AND an organized house.  (Even if it doesn't last very long.)

--Newborn babies smell like heaven. 

--little jC started asking for another baby when cC was like, a week old.  And I give my children everything they want, soooo...

--I wouldn't have said this when I was pregnant with little jC, but I LOVED my pregnancies with luC and cC.  No joke.  I was miserable with jC.  MISERABLE.  And I fear that this pregnancy will have the same outcome.  BUT, I really appreciated the next two pregnancies.  Feeling a growing baby inside of me...that is an amazing, AMAZING experience.  It is something I will forever, and ever be grateful I have been able to experience, and I am thankful for the opportunity to experience it again.  Being able to experience a tiny, growing babies movements is definitely a on the top of my list of why we are having another.  It's truly a huge blessing.

--juC and I love sleep deprivation.  There is nothing like being awake 27 times a night with a newborn baby.  Bring it on!

--Babies are just cute.  Even ugly ones.  How could we not want to stare at another one for hours on end?  Their tiny fingers, and tiny noses, and tiny lips, and tiny feet.  Oh my goodness!! 

--I touched on it already, but seriously, babies are such an amazing blessing.  How could we not want to take advantage of the blessings that we have been given?  People say we are crazy and that's fine (I guess).  Having children is definitely seen as a sacrifice by many, but we are willing to sacrifice for these amazing little humans that our Heavenly Father has so graciously blessed us with.    Although I'm not always as grateful as I should be, and don't always appreciate my children to their fullest, I love them more than I ever knew I could.  There was no denying it was time for another, and we are unbelievably grateful for the opportunity to have another sweet spirit join our family.

**It should be noted that having children has made me appreciate so much the struggle that others have in being able to have children.  Having children made me realize what an amazing miracle it is that not everyone gets to experience, and for those of you that have struggled or are struggling, my heart truly goes out to you!  And I know that you will be blessed beyond measure for your struggle.

Living Life With Purpose

You guys!  The other night, I was looking for a specific picture.  I could remember posting this picture on my other blog (the private one that only important people were invited to read).  I couldn't find it with all my pictures so I set off to find it on the other blog, and I ended up taking a lovely, emotional stroll down memory lane.  Back when my kids were wittle, and sweet, and cute, and frustrating.  Oh wait, they're still at that stage, huh?
As I read through these posts filled with pictures of my kids and silly stories, I couldn't help but fall even more in love with them.  And I couldn't help being reminded of the struggles I had during my first couple of years of parenting, and the struggles (STRUGGLES!!!!) I had adjusting to 2 kids.  It was hard!  (It's soooo easy now, though!)(By easy I mean, so completely hard for different reasons and I know that will keep happening as they keep growing.)
Also, as I read through these posts, I was so thankful for them because I have been horrible...HORRIBLE at keeping a journal since becoming a mother.  If it weren't for those posts, I'd have nothing to look back on but 3.5 million pictures, with no stories to fill in the gaps.  And I thought...I need to blog!  Truly, I NEED to.  Blogging is what got me through things.  It's what helped me add a twist of humor to the struggles I had.  I may not be good at much.  And what I'm good at may not be that good.  But I do feel like I'm relatively good at writing and it helps me focus.  It helps me express my thoughts, and come to conclusions, and focus on humor.

The last couple of days, I've been thinking about my kids, and their purpose in life.  I swear, there are some things that they do that I'm convinced someone sat down with them before they were born and said "Your purpose in life is to ______."  And they were given a specific list, and they are determined to do it, and take it very seriously!

jC's Purposes in Life
-His single most important purposes in life are to dance and to play tickle monster.  Everything else are things he just feels obligated to fulfill, but if given the chance, he'd do nothing but dance and play tickle monster all the day long!
-Second, though, is to ask for things to have or do that he knows we will say no to, just so he has a reason to whine.  I swear he does it on purpose.
-Oh wait, I just thought of another thing that should be among the most important in his purposes with dancing and tickle monster.  If he could do those two things, while simultaneously lying under a soft fuzzy blanket in nothing but his underwear, he'd be ALL about it!  He loves, LOVES him some soft blankets.  And the joy of a soft, fuzzy blanket with no clothes to stand between the two of them is pure joy.
-Less important on the list of his purposes is his need to stay up late, no matter how tired he may be.
-His purpose in life is to also be very sensitive to the feelings of others.  (well, he often takes exception to his siblings when he is choosing to be mean to them.)  But if someone is hurt, he hurts.  If someone is sad, he's sad.  He wants them to be better...ASAP.

luC's Purposes in Life
-For a while there I was convinced that luC's only purpose in life was to scream...about everything!  Not a baby screaming, but a toddler, who just likes to scream, if any possible reason is given (or no possible reason is given) to scream.  I have since learned that she does have other purposes.  It's just hard to see them some times, due to all the screaming.
-luC's purpose in life is to tell me she loves me, daily, multiple times.  When I'm saying multiple times, I don't mean 4 or 5 or even 6 or 10.  I mean 239 times.
-Her purpose in life is to do what others do.  If she sees jC doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  If she sees cC doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  If she says anyone in her radar doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  Luckily (so very luckily) this does not include having meltdowns and freak outs.  Not that she doesn't do those things, but when others do it, she doesn't let it influence her.
-Her other purpose in life is to be the wiggliest human being on the face of the planet when she's sitting in your lap.  She fulfills this purpose to perfection.  And since she loves to sit in laps, she has many opportunities to fulfill and continue to perfection this purpose in life.
-And last, but not least is her hugging.  She hugs like there is no tomorrow and they just might be the best hugs I've ever experienced.  The hugging coupled with the almost constant declarations of love are probably the only things that get me through some days.

cC's Purposes in Life
-cC is just a little guy, but he has some very clear purposes in his life.  #1 on the list, the very top, very most important purpose in his life is to pull luC's hair.  And pull it.  And pull it.  And pull it some more.  Which totally helps luC fulfill her purpose of screaming.  So they were clearly meant to be siblings. Oh, the joy he finds in pulling her hair.  Oh, the determination.
-cC has done really well in his purpose of staying bald.  All of my babies came out baldies.  But cC...well he has gone the extra mile.  By this age, jC and luC had hair.  cC?  He's going for a record.
-cC also was apparently told to be the funniest kid around.  I don't know how kids his age can have such a sense of humor, but he's got one.
-There's this one purpose in life he has that's really throwing me off.  And that is having a pacifier in his mouth at all times.  Now, you may be thinking this is totally normal for a kid his age, but jC and luC were well before 1 when we removed theirs from their mouth never to return it again.  cC, though, he is addicted.  Addicted, I tell you!
-Last on his list, but certainly not least is fulfilling his experiment to see how much he can get by using no words at all, but simply grunting and yelling.  I fear he is being so successful in his purpose that he will never have the desire to get what he wants by any other means.

Now if only I could figure out my purpose in life, we'd be good to go.

Fall Rambling

I love Halloween and fall.

Perhaps it's because fall means pumpkin and I love pumpkin.  Pumpkin patches, pumpkins on the porch, pumpkin in every bit of food I eat.

Perhaps it's because fall means brightly colored leaves on trees and I want to take a picture of every tree I see.

Perhaps it was because it was a Halloween barn dance that juC and I shared our first dance together.

Perhaps it's because it was in the midst of Halloween and fall that Jud and I had our first date.

And having children has only intensified my love of fall and Halloween.  I love having photo shoots with my kids in their costumes. I have looked at the above picture about 1,293 times since Halloween because I feel like it's the perfect depiction of everything I love about Halloween.  My kids in their costumes.  Each holding their buckets for collecting candy.  Holding hands (even if it was only for 5 seconds) as they walked down the beautiful fall tree lined street.  It's another one of those images I wanted seared into my memory.

I have this terrible...habit. (Is it a habit?  A curse?  A blessing?  To be honest, I don't know what it is.  And I don't know if it's me, or something more powerful than me that causes it)  There are certain times that triggers something in my head where I have visions into the future.

I'll give you an example.

A few weeks ago luC went upstairs to get something while I stood at the bottom of the stairs and waited for her.  Because she is still so tiny, walking down the stairs takes her a great deal of effort.  Add the that the fact that she was carrying something down with her, she had to walk down slowly, carefully, and resting her hand on the wall as she walked down.  As she was walking down in that particular way, an image flashed in my head of her 15 years from now, walking down the stairs ever so carefully in a prom dress as I waited at the bottom of the stairs for her.

The picture above causes me to have the same kind of flash into the future of my children.  When I look at that picture I see jC and luC several years from now, walking together, talking each others ears off, and being great friends.  But I picture them being too cool to dress up for Halloween.  I picture them at a time in their lives when they no longer let me pick out their costumes and are too old to let me have photo shoots with them.  Ok, so a part of me pictures them being bratty teenagers who want nothing to do with me more often than not.

I don't know if those visions will come true, but  for that reason I love fall and Halloween even more right now.  I love taking them to the pumpkin patch and watching them pick out their pumpkins.  I love that they let me pick out their costumes and are excited to dress up.  I love seeing the excitement on their face when they realize how much candy they are getting from neighbors.  I love the joy they get each time they eat more of their treasured candy.  I love it, I love it, I love it.  And I will forever be grateful for this time of year and for these memories.  And I will hold on to these memories like my life depends on it.

Esther 12:27

One of the biggest sources The biggest source of guilt that I feel in my every day life is in my lack of abilities as a mother.  Specifically my biggest weakness...my lack of patience which usually quickly escalates to a raised voice or yelling.  Every time I yell at one of my children I immediately feel guilty.  Every time I read things from other people who talk about their imperfections as a parent, but then say things like "But at least I don't yell at my kids", I feel guilty.  I read those things, or read uplifting posts from other moms who have "figured it out" and I vow to myself to do better.

But the reality is, the next day luC stands by the toilet and pees on the floor.  And then she body slams cC because he has a toy she wants.  And jC freaks out because he can't have what he wants right when he wants it.  And he hits luC for the pure joy of it.  The new day and new start I was looking forward to is just a brand new day of the reality that I am impatient and my kids are kids.

Yesterday, as I sat on the couch and juC was down in the basement with the kids, little jC came upstairs.  He was smiling and happy and he kept hugging me and giving me kisses.  He grabbed on to my hand, and gently shaking his head with exclamation, he whispered "I really love you."  My heart melted and broke at the precise moment he said it.

Then later in the day, luC came and sat on me while I was watching General Conference.  Similar to my experience with jC in the morning, she repeatedly hugged me and kissed me, and kept sweetly saying "I love you."  Similarly, my heart melted and broke at the same time.

My kids are kids.  They are pure.  They are sweet.  They are easy to forgive and usually easy to forget.  But I know it won't always be that way.  As they showed so much natural affection to me it made me thankful that apparently I'm doing at least part of my job right.  It made me glad that in spite of my failings, they can still find it in their heart to love me and appreciate me.  But it made my heart break because I know that in the not distant future, they will grow up.  And when they grow up, they won't so easily forgive my shortcomings.  They won't so easily look past my lack of patience.  They won't be so willing to show me love when I'm so willing to show them anger.

With all of my heart I want to do better.  I want to be the mom they deserve and need.  I'm trying with all of my might to be patient and loving even when they push me to my absolute limit.  I don't know if I will ever perfect my impatience.  But I hope with everything in me that I can overcome what I consider to be a huge trial before they are old enough to lose their patience with me and realize that maybe I don't deserve their unconditional love.  I will strive each day to do a little bit better than I did the day before in the hopes that one day I will get it right.  And I will find a little bit of comfort in the fact that even though I may not be doing it right, I am at least trying.

Parents: Those Whose Purpose In Life Is To Torture Children

I remember when I was young thinking that my parents must truly enjoy torturing me since they seemed to do it so often.  Then I grew a little older and thought that I surely must have been wrong.  Parents must love their children too much to torture them.  And then I had children of my own and quickly learned that parents, indeed, have one purpose only--to torture their children.

I have countless examples of how my husband and I personally torture our own children.  This might be good for parents looking for some variety for their own children.

--First we trick our children into saying we are going somewhere fun.  Then we throw some torture in.  "Get your shoes."  Oh, the torture!!  The great part is, it never fails.  No matter how many times you go somewhere, and how many times they have to get their shoes on, it never fails to torture them.

--Going along with the first example, you say you are going somewhere fun.  Then you do the unthinkable.  "Go potty before we go."  WHAT!!??  How dare we make such a request.  Pure torture!

--Also along those same lines.  Once again, going somewhere fun.  Then that part comes where you have to get in the car...and the car seat.  YES!!  I said it!  You HAVE to get in YOUR CAR SEAT!!  Haha!  Tortured again!!

--And then comes the whole reason why you took them to somewhere fun.  "Yes, I took you to Chik-fil-A.  Yes, I got you a meal.  Then a cookie.  THEN I had the audacity to let you play in the playground, all for the soul purpose to fulfill my evil plan to MAKE YOU LEAVE!"  I find this form of torture to be among my favorites.

--There's always going to bed.  This one works better on some kids than others.  But I love the way it takes some by surprise every night.  The look of "You expect me to go to sleep AGAIN!?  How dare you?!"  Well, we know the reason...to torture them!

--Another one that works on some better than others.  The dreaded bath.  Nothing screams torture louder than requesting your child to get clean at any regular interval.  Tortured again!

--I'm not sure about your kids, but one way that I torture them once a week is by clipping their fingernails.  I look forward to that day each week with giddy anticipation.  The look of horror on their faces when I announce that today is the day nails need to be trimmed is well worth being a parent!

--One that stands the test of time is one that gives me pleasure in spite of having to spend money to inflict the torture.  Family picture time!!  The screams and cries of torture are music to our ears.

--When winter rolls around, one of the best forms of torture is to ask your child to wear a coat to keep warm outside.  It screams to your child "I'm so desperate to torture you that I want you to put on yet ANOTHER piece of clothing!"

--I really get the warm fuzzies when I torture my kids by actually wanting to comb their hair.  Torture, torture, torture.

--"What's this meal you call dinner that you expect me to sit and eat every night?"  That's basically how it goes every night for dinner.  The fact that I expect them to eat a meal?  Pure, crazy, torture!

--One of the BEST parts about taking kids to the store is the joy I find in saying "no" when they ask for every toy they see or every treat they see.  I love their cries and fits of rage from that one little word.

--And my absolute favorite form of torturing my kids?  Cleaning!!  "You mean you actually want me to PICK up and PUT AWAY the toys I took out and have been playing with all day!  You're CRAZY!!"  That one just never gets old.

I cannot wait until my kids are older and my ability to torture them widens!

Numbers, Numbers, Numbers

Little jC is a numbers man.  Some people say that all kids his age are interested in numbers, but homeboy is obsessed.  Numbers on calendars, a clock, addresses, ages, phone numbers, speed limits.  If there is a number involved, he wants to know about it.  And having numbers for street names in Utah instead of word names was the most amazing thing.  My favorite question of our trip out there was when we were on the interstate and he asked "What does "9,000 so" mean?"  (9000 South)

So yesterday when he was sitting at the table saying he was working, it wasn't too big of a shock to find out he was making his own calendar.

But there is a strong possibility that I had one of those proud mommy moments that you sometimes get.

He also likes words.  After he learned the alphabet he became obsessed with what sounds each letter made.  And he always wanted to know what letter words started with.  It was great but could be tricky to have a conversation when he kept stopping to say "What letter does table start with?"  But then again, it was fine, since most of our conversations consisted of questions like "What sound does 'n' make?"  I have to admit I'm glad he's well past that phase, and now it's fun to see him writing things.  When he was working yesterday he kept saying something about "jud dot com".  It wasn't until I was checking out his calendar that I found this.

Realizing that he thinks it's "duc com" makes me giggle.

My hope with his number and letter writing skills is that he will soon be able to work out a budget for us and help us stick to it.

The Ugly Truth

 This has become our kitchen more often than not.  Why is it so impossible to keep the kitchen clean?  It gets to the point that it is so much that I don't even want to deal with it.  So I don't.  That's kind of the way the rest of our house has gotten as well.  It's too overwhelming so I do nothing.  The last couple of months of my pregnancy with cC, I somehow found an enormous amount of energy to get some major cleaning and organizing done in our house.  So maybe the answer to this problem is to have another baby already?

hahahahaaaahahaaahaha.


Today I needed to go to Target for diapers.  What I got was yet another dose of reality that jC would be starting kindergarten soon and that it depresses me immensely.  He saw the backpacks and lunch boxes and wanted to pick his out.  He was excited, I was holding back tears.

I know a lot of people think that all day kindergarten is better than anything, EVER.  I am not one of those people.  jC has school from 8:20 to 3:35.  (That's not including travel time if he takes the bus)  Am I really one of the few people in this world that feel like my 5 year old being away from home almost as long as my 35 year old husband during the day is not even close to normal??  The thought alone makes me want to puke.  Don't get me wrong, I think school will be great for him, and I look forward to slightly more peace for a portion of the day.  But 4 hours or so would be plenty!  School starts September 4, and in my personal opinion, that day is coming way too soon.

hahahahahahaaahahaa.
(Sorry, still laughing about the having another baby now comment.)

Penny For Your Thoughts?

luC is the worst, THE WORST, about putting everything in her mouth.  It drives me absolutely crazy.  And it caught me off guard, because aside from the typical baby phase jC went through doing it, it was something he never did.  After I realized luC wasn't growing out of that phase, I came to appreciate jC's desire not to do that even more.

That's why a couple of weeks ago when I noticed jC had found some change and taken it into his room for quiet time I didn't think I needed to worry.  I did have a brief moment of "Not a chance you're playing with that in your room behind a closed door." but then I thought "Give the boy some freedom.  He doesn't put things in his mouth and he likes to count it."

So there I was, enjoying the peace and quiet rarely found in our house on a Sunday afternoon.  (Shout out to quiet/nap time.)  Then I heard jC's door open and him frantically call, "Mooom?"  The poor boy looked scared out of his mind and he told me...a penny went down his throat!  I hate the feeling of panic I get in moments like this.  He seemed ok, but was saying his throat hurt, which made me worry it was stuck in there.  In an effort to lighten the mood, I briefly explained to him how the penny would eventually escape.  Nothing lightens a possible medical emergency like poop talk.

After fetching juC from his nap, and further examination (and a google search from juC about kids swallowing pennies), it appeared the penny had found a temporary resting place in jC's stomach.

Shortly after, jC and I were resting on the couch while he enjoyed his favorite activity of watching me play Candy Crush.  He informed me that after I was finished with the game, he'd go to the bathroom, but he sounded concerned.

"Will the money be in my pee?"

I'm just going to keep trying to find the humor in that question, instead of thinking about what could have happened if it had gotten lodged in his throat and he couldn't breath while I thought he was quietly playing in his room.
Being a mom is too scary!

Pardon me while I work through my issues on my blog

I know we aren't supposed to say things like this, as mothers, but jC has been quite the difficult child the last couple of weeks.  No, that's a lie.  To be more accurate, it's been much, much more than a couple of weeks.

You see, jC is 4, almost 5.  And I can only assume he is acting like a typical 4, almost 5 year old.  (At least that's what I tell myself for comfort.)  Yes, he is is still very young.  However, when he is the oldest of our children, I put (unnecessary) pressure on him to act older and more mature.  I know it's my flaw.

-He says no to everything we ask him to do.  But he doesn't just say no.  (Although we hope he does when he's older.)  He's all "NooooOOOOoooooo!!!!" *foot stomp* *arm cross*
-There are about a million and one toys in our house, most of which he is never, ever interested in.  Until luC starts to play with it.  Then he makes it his life mission to take it away from her and keep it away from her.
-I cannot tell you how many times I've watched him play nicely with luC,  bringing me a brief moment of some relief, and then 2 seconds later he smacks her in the face.
-He often has to be put in his room for hitting and not staying in time out and then hitting some more.  Then pounding and yelling on his bedroom door after he is put in there.  (The pounding and yelling is music to our ears, which is why we make it happen so often.)
-The first hour of church has become torturous for us.  He takes everything from luC.  He won't let her play with anything she wants to, and he beats up on his poor defenseless daddy.  But, he does all of this with a smile and laughter.  If you are a parent, you know that this is one of the most frustrating times as a parent to keep calm.
-He will not eat new food.  Even when it's delicious and I know it's something he will like.  He repeatedly says he doesn't like it and goes back to that whole  "NooooOOOOoooooo!!!!" thing I first mentioned.
-Every single night before bed, he has to go to the bathroom.  Every.single night.  And yet some how, it seems to come as a surprise to him each night when we make him do it...just like he's done all the previous nights before.  The effort it takes to get him just to go to the bathroom sometimes before bed is exhausting just to think about.

I could go on, but I'll refrain.  You get the point.

So...jC's bed has a shelf as a headboard.  It's been great.  During quiet time (a must in our house) he uses his shelf headboard to play with his cars, build with his blocks, and play with any other toys he feels needs the shelf-headboard treatment.

One day, he had his door cracked and I stood there watching him play.  He was playing with the blocks in the above picture (although this picture was not taken then.)  He was stacking the blocks up high, making them symmetrical on each side of the shelf.  The problem was, the shelf was a little off kilter and one side wasn't making for an even building ground.  I knew, as he was about to put a piece on that it would make that whole side fall.  He was putting so much care into it.  On went his next piece and down went his work of art.

He hung his head down, let out the saddest little "humph" with the saddest little frown on his face, and defeated, dropped his shoulders and hands.

In that moment, I felt everything a mother feels for her child when a child feels hurt and disappointed.  (Yes, all because of some silly blocks.) I saw him for the little child that he truly is and am always forgetting he is. I wanted to rush in there and fix his shelf and help him fix his building.  I stayed and watched for just a little bit more, and saw him as he picked his head up and tried to build it again.  But, going back to those motherly feelings I was having, I rushed in there to help him because I couldn't take seeing him disappointed like that again.

I will always remember that look on his face.  A look that I had never seen as he's played around the house. It was an honest moment he had when he had no idea anyone was watching.  And every time he is hitting luC, or yelling "NO!" at the top of his lungs, or refusing to go to the bathroom even though his legs are crossed to prevent an accident...I try in that very moment (not always successfully) to remember that look on his face.  To remember how little and innocent he truly is.  And when I do successfully remember that moment and remember who he really is, it makes it much easier to handle those difficult moments.

Accomplishments

luC is 2 and a half years old.  It is safe to say that accomplishments she makes at 2.5 are not things that I would consider accomplishments at my age.

Figured out how to get the cap off of something...accomplishment.
Got a shoe on with no help...accomplishment.
Reached something that was up on the counter...accomplishment.
Finding random pieces of food around the house or car and getting to eat them in all their stale glory...accomplishment!
Getting something away from jC....ACCOMPLISHMENT!!

This knowledge that her accomplishments are "smaller" than things I would consider is nothing new.  

But a couple of days ago, as I drove us around running errands, I watched her in the rear view mirror.  I watched as she took the sunglasses off that *I* put on her because she has a hard time getting them on right. I watched her as she tired with all of her concentration to put her sunglasses on top of her head, the way I wear them when I'm inside.  I watched her as she struggled and got a little flustered as she'd get them on and they'd immediately fall down.  And I watched her as she finally accomplished getting them on there.  She looked so proud of her "little" accomplishment.

When we pulled up to our house, I got my camera ready and I opened the door.  I asked her if I could take a picture, and she was more than willing to capture her accomplishment in a picture.  Her response was "I put them on mine head!!!"  The look on her face in the picture says it all.

It got me thinking about myself, and what I consider accomplishments.

As a mother with young kids, I often feel like I accomplish nothing, and I often feel like I fall short.  Truth is, a large part of this is probably because I not only compare myself to other moms, but because I compare myself to moms that have kids that are grown up.  But I compare, none the less, which never has a positive outcome.  

The bottom line is, in my comparison with other moms, I focus on all of the things I don't accomplish. My house doesn't seem clean enough, my kids don't seem well behaved enough, and my fuse isn't long enough.

 But when I really think about it, and stop making comparisons, I accomplish so much....even if people on the outside might consider it a small accomplishment.

I got out of bed....accomplishment.

I didn't lose my temper when one of the kids did something wrong...accomplishment.

I made a dinner...accomplishment.

I got out of pajamas and put make up on...accomplishment.

Taught my kids what a word means...accomplishment.

I made it a whole day with out crying...accomplishment.

Gathered the trash for juC...accomplishment.

I went to the grocery store with all 3 kids...accomplishment.

Defused a fight between jC and luC...accomplishment.

The day is over and my husband and children were cared for and loved...ACCOMPLISHMENT.

No matter how anyone else views it, each accomplishment I make throughout the day, big or little, is still an accomplishment.  And I need to be more like luC and be proud of each one that is achieved instead of comparing and focusing on all that isn't.  Maybe...just maybe, if I focus on those accomplishments instead of supposed failures, I'll actually start to view myself as the good mom that I have been accused of being.

My New Normal

After luC was born, I didn't leave the house by myself with my 2 kids for months.  I'm talking months, and months, and months, and months, and months, and months, and more months.  I know.  BUT, in my defense, any time luC made even a peep of a cry, jC would have a completely ridiculous meltdown.  She would have been done with her crying for 10 minutes and jC would sometimes still be freaking out about it. So the thought of going out with the two of them alone was absolutely the most stressful thing imaginable.  It was a hard time (as documented here)

Which is why I'm utterly proud of myself.  (don't judge me for being proud of myself.)

December 3 was a day I was dreading.  December 3 was the day that I would be alone with all 3 kids for the first time.  I was SO very lucky enough to have juC home for 2 weeks, (with a visit from my helpful parents in there), and have juC's parents here for 2 weeks.  Having help for the first month (minus 2 days) of cC's life was amazing, and the thought of going at it alone was petrifying.  (don't judge me for feeling this way, not everyone is as awesome as you are.)

So imagine my surprise when I found myself not only going out with all 3 kids out of necessity (taking jC to and from preschool), but also out with all 3 kids enjoying some unseasonably warm weather.  And as I walked along with cC strapped to me, pushing luC, and jC riding along in front of me I had an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment and happiness.  December 3 wasn't the easiest day in the world, but it also wasn't the hardest.  I actually survived.  Which led me to believe I would actually survive the days that followed.

3 kids is my new normal and it still blows my mind.

Question.

The living room is supposed to be the room that stays clean for when guests stop by, right?

sentimental feelings (emphasis on mental)

So here's the truth: I don't want my kids to grow up.

I planned on keeping jT in his crib until he was 8, but then one night I checked on him, and realized that he practically had to fold himself in half, or hang out of the crib to really fit. So at the beginning of the year, we moved him into a bed.

I hadn't planned on potty training him...ever. (He has a certain poop problem that I won't go into details about, but let's just say--He holds it in, all week.) I was convinced there was no way I'd ever get him in underwear. It didn't stop me from talking about it to him and pointing out other kids that used the "big potty". And then last weekend, after seeing one of his friends wearing underwear and using the potty, he decided it was high time for him to, as well. (Well, he still holds his poop in, but at least he does his other business in there now.)

I remember thinking he'd never talk in sentences. And I swear one day months and months ago, he woke up and spoke to me, and could have conversations with me--with individual thoughts and all.

I remember so clearly when he was a newborn, and holding him in the glider in his room during all hours of the night. He was the tiniest little thing who fit perfectly snugly into my folded arms. And I would just sit there, gliding, content, holding that sweet little baby. Then a couple months ago when he was sick, and I held him in that same rocker, his body completely enveloped mine. I wanted to cry. Ok, I did shed some tears. Because my first baby no longer resembles a baby in any way.

As much as I love the boy he is, I absolutely miss the baby he was. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want him to grow up, and in spite of my best efforts he did it anyway.

My heart absolutely breaks.

We have a new addition to the family!!

Everyone, I'd like you to meet izC.

She is the sweetest little kitty! And one of those cool cats that doesn't constantly want all of your attention, but just wants to follow us around and sit right outside of where all the action is.

And in spite of my children not really being aware of boundaries, personal space, and what is fun for them/annoying to her, she has been so very patient.

(Not that jT has been injury-less since her arrival, but he seems to think her playful scratches are worth it.)

I have been asked how we came to have this here izC, and the story starts about 6 years ago. When juC and I were dating, I expressed my love of cats to him. We always had cats growing up and they were just a part of a happy life. But always renting since moving away from home, I hadn't been able to have one in a long time. Expressing this love of cats to juC was met with him insisting he was allergic to cats, and he'd never get one. But finally, he promised me that when we got married, he'd let me get a cat.

Umm...yeah, we've been married for almost 5 years, and he finally made good on his deal. (Whenever I'd bring up his promise, he'd say "I never said when you could get the cat.") It was quite the battle. But finally, after again being reminded that every kid deserves to grow up with a pet, I made it happen.

She feels right at home with us and we love having her.

birthday shopping and house buying

Apparently I break promises, because I promised myself that if I blogged on the Milan Maternity blog, I wouldn't deny my own personal blogs. Clearly, I have not kept that promise. I know all 2 of you are disappointed in me.

So yesterday I had the lovely opportunity to venture out on my own to do a little birthday shopping for little jC. He is turning 3 in a little less than two weeks. WHAT?!?! How in the heck is he already turning 3? That's what I want to know.

At any rate, I don't frequent Toys R Us, but it is the best place to look for toys. Being that they have a million of them all in one place. And it turns out a percentage of their toys are a bit...ummmm...what's the word I'm looking for?

Disturbing.

Now don't get me wrong. I think that being a stay-at-home mom/housewife is wonderful. But something about this just rubbed me the wrong way. I don't know about you guys, but...having a cleaning trolley is not "just like home". There was a whole line of products for girls from this "Just like home" line that had all sorts of unfortunate advertising on it.

And this one. I don't know what to say about this one. I guess your kids have to aspire to be something, right? (Not that anything is wrong with fast food employees.) But really??

Yes, really.

Can you guess which one of those 2 toys I got for little jC?

In non-distrubing children toy news, we are moving. In less than 3 weeks. (Which is why I should probably be spending my time PACKING instead of blogging. But when do I ever do what I should be doing?) We decided that since juC got his new job and we'd be staying in this area more long term, that now would be a good time to find a house that we have more room to grow in. (I don't particularly care to raise the 20 children I plan on having in our townhouse.)

The house is wonderful, and if everything goes as planned, we will be moving in on September 16. The best part about it is that juC will be leaving for 3 days the week we move. That doesn't stress me out at all!

So that has been the extent of my life since I last blogged. Birthday shopping for jC, and selling our house and buying a new one....ya know...the usual.

It's a big day, people!

You may be wondering what is so special about this day. The 5th day of April. Well, let me fill you in.

It was on this very day, exactly one year ago today that I found out this news:

It was one year ago today that I took a test, found out the big news, quickly made this onesie, and announced the big news to juC. I can't hardly believe that it's been a year!! Such a big day!

But I kept feeling like today was a big day for another reason, but I couldn't quite put my finger on.

I asked luC if she knew.

She just hung her head in shame and said "I can't believe you don't know."

So then I turned to jC

and he was all "Get with the program woman! It's your mum's birthday!!"

And then I was all "Ohhh yeaaaah!"

I had the most hardest time trying to figure out what to get my mum for her birthday. I wracked my brain and wracked my brain more. And then finally I figured out the perfect gift. (Hint: the perfect gift for anyone is always something that you would enjoy yourself) (The perfect gift is also edible and comes in any form of chocolate.)

Unfortunately, shipping is working slowly, so she won't get to enjoy her edible form of chocolate on this, her day of birth approximately 325 years ago, but hopefully she will forgive us and enjoy it when it comes anyways.

Happy birthday, Mum!! I hope you will forgive me for relying on my wee ones to remind me of what a special day this is!

Welcome to my pity party!!

I'm so glad you could make it! This past month juC finally found a new job after years of trying to find something new. And if that wasn't exciting enough, I also cracked open my first double yolked egg EVER!

But, seriously...

In all honesty, I have mixed feelings about juC's new job. It's exciting because he will finally (hopefully) have a job that he can be happy with on a daily basis. And hopefully not have to work 10 or 11 hour days. But since it's still right here in Northern Virginny, that means that we are staying...for good.

I never thought I'd be raising these kids here.

For years now I've lived with the mindset that we'd be moving as soon as juC found a job somewhere else. And truthfully, that was my motivation for accepting that we are here now...that soon we wouldn't be. Now that he has the new job, I have to accept the reality that this is where we will be, where my kids will grow up, and where we will truly settle down. And since I haven't been happy living here for years, it's a hard reality to accept.

But I'm trying...and some days are better than others.