Stop!

Every day at 1:00 p.m. is quiet time in our house.  cC naps, luC has to play in her room, and bC and I nap in my bed (usually).  The last 2 days I have so been looking forward to quiet time, as my eyes have burned with tiredness all morning.  (Not due to bC keeping me up at night, but I think due to the medication I'm taking.)  Then quiet time comes, and I lie in bed by bC and I just can't sleep.  I close my eyes and soak in the relief of my burning eyes finally resting, then I can't help but open them again and stare at bC.

For a few years now I've had my mind set on 5 children.  Everything about that just felt...right.  Which was a huge leap from after jC was born and I was convinced there was no way I could have more.

But over the last couple of months, all of that rightness has become uneasiness.  I obviously just had a baby, so I obviously have time to figure it all out.  However, I feel like I need to savor every single second in case I don't get to experience it again.  And also feel like I need to figure it out so I can mentally prepare myself for whatever outcome there is, because no matter what, it's going to be hard.

These are the days when I hate, hate my DVT.  These are the days when I feel like it's ruined everything.  These are the days when I just wish more than anything that I could go back in time and know what it was, what exact moment it was that caused my DVT, and do something differently in that moment to stop it from happening.

I'm mad that that my DVT leg is larger than my other leg and probably always will be.  I'm mad that I'm vain enough to care about my leg being larger than my other leg.  I'm mad that my leg feels heavy and gets swollen if I'm on my feet.  I'm mad that I can't exercise the way I want to.  I'm mad that I can't go for my walks like I used to.  I'm mad that if I were to have a 5th, like I thought I would, that it would mean shots in my stomach daily for over 9 months.  I'm mad that if I have a 5th, I'd be worried the whole time that in spite of the medicine, I might get another clot.  I'm mad that for the rest of my life, when I travel for long distances, I'm going to worry about getting another clot.  I'm mad that I have to worry about eating something that's going to affect my medication.  I'm mad that most of the day and especially at the end of the day, my leg feels heavy and achy like I've been exercising.  I'm just mad.  And I'm mad that I'm mad.  I'm mad that my last post was about how grateful I was, and that this post is about how mad I am.

And I'm mad that baby bC won't stop growing!  It frustrates me that I'm not enjoying this time like I should.  I feel like it's going by way too quickly, and that my mind is too many other places.  What if this is my last baby? What if these are the last days of me getting to feed a newborn, and rock a newborn to sleep?  What if this is the last time that I'm getting to experience the first smile, the first laugh, the first time rolling over, and the first steps?  I feel a little bit cheated that this is how I'm experiencing it.  I wish more than anything everything with my kids would just freeze for a little bit.  I just want everything to stop!

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I truly am grateful for so much.  But right now, I'm also just mad. So I guess for now, I'll keep staring at my sleeping baby whenever I actually get the chance to, and hope that some day soon I will change my attitude so that I can be more happy and not so mad.