For the Love of Facebook

I have a love hate relationship with facebook.

Reason for the hate?  Well, there are several.  But one of the main ones is that I think people used to be way better friends to each other before facebook.  You know, when we used to actually call each other to find out what was going on in our friends lives.  Not just looking at facebook posts to see.

But that's beside the point.  Right now I love facebook.  Right now I am grateful for facebook.  Right now I feel so indebted to facebook.  Ok, not really.  Don't come knocking at my door looking for payment Mark Zuckerburg.

But I do love it at the moment and here's why.

A few months ago, when I found out that the blood clot (DVT) that was in my pelvis wasn't going away at all, I started to suspect I had something called May Thurner Syndrome.  The dumb-ed down version of MTS (I'm dumb-ing it down because it's the only way I know it, not because I think you need it to be) is that there are right main veins and left main veins, that go down into the legs, and the right main vein is compressing the left main vein, restricting blood flow.  Thus contributing to blood clots, and/or keeping the body from being able to naturally break the clot down.

So thanks to handy dandy facebook, I was able to ask a little bit about MTS on a support group for people with DVT.  Through my post asking about MTS, I connected with a girl in Texas.  She had a similar story to mine in that she was diagnosed with a very large blood clot soon after giving birth.  She told me that she ended up searching and searching and finally finding an amazing doctor in Pennsylvania who she flew up to see to get treatment for her clot, and he was the one who found she had MTS.  I appreciated her insight and let her know that if I was diagnosed with MTS, I'd probably have more questions for her.

Fast forward a couple months, and I was finally tested for MTS by having a ct scan, and found out I for sure had it.  Once again, I turned to facebook and a support group for folks with MTS.  The doctor I saw bombarded me with a list of things that were "wrong" with me when he gave me the diagnosis and I felt SO overwhelmed.  I asked questions on the support group, and was surprised to find that there was a doctor in the group who answered my questions.  And the more I asked, the more he answered.  The next week, I went to another doctor to get a second opinion.  This doctor had a completely different opinion and approach to my blood clot and MTS.  I left his office still feeling so upset.

The bottom line was that I was confused, uneasy, upset, and just didn't feel confident in either one of the doctors I saw.  The thought of either one of them doing a procedure on me just didn't feel...right.  Not that I think they are bad doctors.  Just that I didn't feel like they were right for my specific needs. So I came home so frustrated after seeing the second doctor.  I looked on the internet more for the specific kind of doctor I needed, and just wasn't finding anything and I felt so stuck.

Then that doctor on the MTS support group came to mind.  He's up at UPenn and I'd asked him the night before if he saw clients from out of state, just on a whim.  He was kind enough to send me a private message letting me know he did.  So, I called my insurance company.  He's a contracted provider.  I remembered the girl from Texas who fought hard to find a good doctor.  I contacted her again...it was the same doctor who'd been answering my questions!!  She loved him, and said she trusted him with her life.  It was clear to me that I needed to pursue treatment from him.  He and I messaged back and forth and he continued to be kind enough to answer my questions about what things I needed to send him and how long it would take.  He assured me that he'd review my scans within a day or two of receiving them and said that he'd let me know if he felt like he was the one that could help me.

As soon as I made the decision to pursue treatment from him, I felt completely at ease.  All of the worries and anxiety I had about it diminished.  I was able to go up and meet with him last week, where it only further confirmed that he was the right doctor for me.

And in a couple weeks I'll be heading back up to UPenn for him to do a procedure to open up the compressed vein and hopefully get rid of the issues I've been having with my leg.

All of this...thanks to facebook.  It's not often that I can clearly see how things came together perfectly and for my own good.  But this was a time when I for sure saw the hand of my Heavenly Father, perfectly orchestrating something just for me.  I am so grateful for the people that were put in my path and for being led the way I was.  And even though I often hate facebook and modern technologies, I know for sure things wouldn't have gone this way if it wasn't for them!

Shout out to Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I sent luC and cC down to the basement while I went upstairs to get the babe bC down for a nap.  As soon as I put him down in his crib I heard the cries of cC, getting louder and louder, as he made his way up the basement stairs.

When I came from my room he was standing at the gate to the upstairs crying his little head off.  luC, always willing to offer up what she did to make him cry, frankly told me that cC hit her so she hit him back.  

"You are older than him so you know..."
"I am fouw and he is two." she replied before I could even finish.
"Exactly.  That means..."
And once again before I could finish she interrupted again.  Placing her head closely beside his she said "And wew're the same size!"
"It doesn't matter if you're the same size.  You are older than him so you know better than him."
Completely not paying attention to me, "Fouw plus two equals....six."

I immediately thought of the quote that I have over on the left hand side of my blog by Marjorie Pay Hinckley.  “The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.” 

And since I've been doing more than my fair share of crying, especially lately and even this morning, I laughed...in my head.  Because the last thing I want is for luC to think that she needs to do this kind of stuff more to get a laugh out of me.  And because if I didn't laugh...in my head...I'd cry more.  And I didn't want that either.

Someone asked me recently what I felt the purpose of life was.  As I was giving my answer, one of the things I said was how I feel that we go through certain things for a reason, because there is something specific we are supposed to learn from it.  The hard part is when you are in the thick of it, and you are sitting there thinking "What am I supposed to learn from this?!  Why do I need to learn it?"  and wishing you didn't need to learn whatever it is you are supposed to be learning because the process for learning it is hard and not fun and on and on and on.  But whatever it is I'm supposed to be learning right now, I do hope I come out on the other side having actually learned it.  

So here I was, looking up the quote from Marjorie Pay Hinckley to write this post, so I could copy and paste it instead of type it out because I'm lazy like that, I read through her quotes.  She said some amazing, true stuff.  The kind of stuff you need to keep reading over and over again.  Especially when you want to cry instead of laugh.

Some of her quotes--
**Home is where you are loved the most and act the worst.  
(I can attest to this fact.  Especially right now.  Our poor family members in our home are usually the ones that pay the price for anything we're dealing with.)

**Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. 
(I truly feel like this is one of the things I needed to learn and am learning through this process.)

**There are some years in our lives that we would not want to live again. But even these years will pass away, and the lessons learned will be a future blessing. 
(I kept telling myself that this year was going to be better than last.  So far, that hasn't held true.  I know, it's all a matter of perspective.  But, I know this time will pass.  And that's something I keep having to remind myself.  And like I mentioned before, I hope I learn the lesson I need to so it can be a future blessing)

**Everything you are learning is preparing you for something else.  

Thank you, Marjorie Pay Hinckley, for coming into my mind when I needed you to.  Even if it was when my 4 year old was doing math that I needed you. Thank you for saying things, years and years ago, that I need to hear and remember now.  

And thank you to everyone I know that has gotten through trials..."big" ones and "small" ones, that are an example to me of getting through them, too.

A plea to the mothers

There's something that's been bugging me for a while.  6 years to be exact.

"Enjoy every minute of it because it goes by so fast."
"Enjoy it now because they won't always be this little.  And you're going to miss it."
"Enjoy them while they're little."
"It's so much easier when they are little.  When they are older is when it's really hard!  So enjoy it now"
etc, etc, etc.

They are well meaning comments.  I know that.  I really do.  But the fact of the matter is, they aren't really helpful.  In fact, for me, nothing is harder to hear when I'm having a hard time then "Enjoy it now."

Why is it hard to hear?  Because it makes me feel guilty!  I don't enjoy it when my kids scream their heads off at each other.  I don't enjoy it when they fight over every.single.toy. in the house that no one was interested in playing with until one kid happened to pick it up.  I don't enjoy taking my kids to the store and having them have a complete meltdown because I said "no" to something they wanted.  I don't enjoy having an audience for EVERYTHING I do.  (I've always wanted to be an actor and having an audience enjoy my work, but this isn't exactly what I was shooting for).  I don't enjoy fighting to get my 1st grader to do homework that he doesn't want to do because he's already been gone for 8 hours and he just wants to play.  I don't enjoy it when my kids repeatedly reject dinner because "they don't like" something they've never even tasted.

So when someone comes along and tells me to enjoy every minute, and I know I don't and won't enjoy every minute, I feel guilty.  It makes me feel like I'm doing it all wrong.  And someone is always around to tell me that something I'm doing is wrong, so it just gets put on the list of  "All the Things I'm Doing Wrong as a Mom."  It's a long list.  I already feel guilty for a lot of other things.  I don't need to feel guilty for not enjoying all of it, too.

But it goes beyond the guilt I feel when someone says it.  When someone tells you that "this is nothing" and to "just wait until they're older" because that's when it's really hard, it invalidates your feelings.  It's hard to basically be told that your feelings are invalid.  Because your feelings ARE valid.  No one can know exactly how you feel but you, and when someone is basically telling you that what you are feeling is wrong, it hurts.

I will always remember when I told someone that I am always told to enjoy it now because it gets so much harder when they're older she basically said "That's not fair.  They're both hard.  They're just hard in different ways. But it's still hard."  I can still hear her saying that to me when other people tell me differently, and I'll forever be grateful for it!

So my plea to you...all of you that have passed this particular phase in your life where you have young kids, is to please remember.  Please remember how it felt to you then.  Please remember how it felt to always have someone on you.  Please remember how it felt to constantly be asked for juice, or a snack, or a show.  Please remember how it felt when your kids fought all day long.  Please remember how it felt to be up several times during the night with a baby, and to then have to get up and face the day with all of your young children.  Please remember how it felt to try to talk and reason with little humans who don't even know how to fully express themselves or their wants.  And remember how it felt to just feel so overwhelmed with it all and to feel like it would never end (even though you knew it would).

And when you remember that, and then you hear a mom of young kids struggling, don't automatically tell them to enjoy it or tell them how much harder it is later.  Instead, it would be so meaningful for that mom to hear "I know!  It is hard!" and to just get some sympathy and understanding from someone who's been there and done that.  Because we know that it goes fast and that we'll miss it (well, as much as you can know when it hasn't actually happened but do know it does happen).  And we do know that there will be lots of huge trials when they are older (I'm already stressing about those days)(plus, I was a teenager/young adult once, and I remember what I was like.  yeesh! Not looking forward to being the one to deal with that!).  But what we need to know is that we shouldn't feel guilty and our feelings our valid, and we aren't the only ones who haven't enjoyed every moment of it, and that everything will be ok.  We will continue to enjoy the good, but we want to not feel bad about not enjoying the hard stuff, too.

Stop!

Every day at 1:00 p.m. is quiet time in our house.  cC naps, luC has to play in her room, and bC and I nap in my bed (usually).  The last 2 days I have so been looking forward to quiet time, as my eyes have burned with tiredness all morning.  (Not due to bC keeping me up at night, but I think due to the medication I'm taking.)  Then quiet time comes, and I lie in bed by bC and I just can't sleep.  I close my eyes and soak in the relief of my burning eyes finally resting, then I can't help but open them again and stare at bC.

For a few years now I've had my mind set on 5 children.  Everything about that just felt...right.  Which was a huge leap from after jC was born and I was convinced there was no way I could have more.

But over the last couple of months, all of that rightness has become uneasiness.  I obviously just had a baby, so I obviously have time to figure it all out.  However, I feel like I need to savor every single second in case I don't get to experience it again.  And also feel like I need to figure it out so I can mentally prepare myself for whatever outcome there is, because no matter what, it's going to be hard.

These are the days when I hate, hate my DVT.  These are the days when I feel like it's ruined everything.  These are the days when I just wish more than anything that I could go back in time and know what it was, what exact moment it was that caused my DVT, and do something differently in that moment to stop it from happening.

I'm mad that that my DVT leg is larger than my other leg and probably always will be.  I'm mad that I'm vain enough to care about my leg being larger than my other leg.  I'm mad that my leg feels heavy and gets swollen if I'm on my feet.  I'm mad that I can't exercise the way I want to.  I'm mad that I can't go for my walks like I used to.  I'm mad that if I were to have a 5th, like I thought I would, that it would mean shots in my stomach daily for over 9 months.  I'm mad that if I have a 5th, I'd be worried the whole time that in spite of the medicine, I might get another clot.  I'm mad that for the rest of my life, when I travel for long distances, I'm going to worry about getting another clot.  I'm mad that I have to worry about eating something that's going to affect my medication.  I'm mad that most of the day and especially at the end of the day, my leg feels heavy and achy like I've been exercising.  I'm just mad.  And I'm mad that I'm mad.  I'm mad that my last post was about how grateful I was, and that this post is about how mad I am.

And I'm mad that baby bC won't stop growing!  It frustrates me that I'm not enjoying this time like I should.  I feel like it's going by way too quickly, and that my mind is too many other places.  What if this is my last baby? What if these are the last days of me getting to feed a newborn, and rock a newborn to sleep?  What if this is the last time that I'm getting to experience the first smile, the first laugh, the first time rolling over, and the first steps?  I feel a little bit cheated that this is how I'm experiencing it.  I wish more than anything everything with my kids would just freeze for a little bit.  I just want everything to stop!

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I truly am grateful for so much.  But right now, I'm also just mad. So I guess for now, I'll keep staring at my sleeping baby whenever I actually get the chance to, and hope that some day soon I will change my attitude so that I can be more happy and not so mad.

Spring is Springing!!

This winter has just felt miserable to me.  The cold, cold, cold temperatures.  The days, and days, and days of snow.  It's just more than this here southern girl cares to deal with.  Added to that the fact that I fell pregnant (I'm pretending to be British by saying that), and feeling horrible so much, it was just (for a lack of a better way to describe it) a bummer winter.

 Last week I got the kids the book "Oh, the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Suess.  I'd never read it before.  At least not that I can remember.  When I read this part, I felt it portrayed exactly how this winter has made me feel...
"All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak."

It is safe to say that I felt alone a lot...even though I was very, very rarely alone, thanks to 3 children.  And it's safe to say that when you feel alone, you have way too much time to think.  And when you think too much, you start to think things like "I'm going to have 4 kids!  FOUR!!!  I'm hanging on by a thread with 3, how will I do FOUR!?!"  And that scared my pants off, people!  Add to that the "I'm going to be massive and pregnant through the heat of summer." and "I won't get to go on any fun vacations." and I was all, "I don't want to go on."  Yet simultaneously thinking "WHEN WILL THIS WINTER END?!"

But, on I went.  And now I am starting to see beautiful glimpses of spring and it makes me oh so happy!

Yesterday was beautiful.  After jC got home from school and finished his homework (have I mentioned how much I hate kindergarten homework??)  we headed off to the park.  As we walked around the side of our house, we saw some of our spring flowers had begun to bloom.  jC said "Do you know what those are called?"  I assumed he meant what kind of flowers they were and I was trying to remember, when he said "Butts!  They're called butts!"  Then I realized he meant buds...of flowers just blooming.  And he started explaining that they were learning about flowers at school.  And I thought "This is going to be a great spring!"  (And I can't wait for more butts to bloom!!)

The kids played...

 and played....

 and played...

 and played...

in absolutely perfect weather.  And all was right in the world.  And I finally was feeling like the end of "Oh, the Places You'll Go", where it says,
"So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!"

I'm finally feeling like today (and the rest of the days) are my day!  And I'm thankful that my name isn't Buxbaum!  And I'm ready for some mountains!  I'm glad spring is finally here, and my fingers (and every other extremity I have) are crossed that it sticks around for a while.

Identity Crisis

I hate to say it, but I'm having a major identity crisis.  Now before I go into details, I'm not trying to have a pity party here.  I'm just expressing myself...on my blog...because that's what people do.  Or perhaps I am secretly seeking some sort of validation.  But, it is what it is, and I feel what I feel, and this is what I feel:

So, I jokingly made a post several months ago about my "talents".  As is usually the case with me, it was loaded with sarcasm, and none of the talents I listed were actually really talents.  I mentioned how I'm surrounded by so many talented people that it makes me feel inadequate.  The truth is, that was the truth.  I know, I know...you aren't supposed to compare yourself to others.  But, I'm human, and I do.

It seems that everything I'm good at, there is someone that's way better.  I love to write. I know so many others that are way better.  I love taking pictures.  I know so many others that are way better.  I love to do certain crafts (admittedly, it's a short list).  I know so many people that are way better.  I love to sing.  But I know so many people that are way, way, way, way better.  I love to bake.  I know so many people that are way better.

I could go on, but the point is, no matter what I do, I can't help but compare myself.  And when I compare, I can't help but feel like I just...suck.  And then when I start thinking about all of the things I can't do, that other people do, it makes me feel even worse.

But there's 1 thing...just 1 thing, that I always thought I was really good at.  Being funny.  Jokes, sarcasm, lightening the mood in stressful situations, being ridiculous to get a laugh, the girl with the good come backs, and being witty.  I kept thinking if I had nothing else, at least I had that.

However, lately, I'm realizing that not everyone agrees with me.  Not everyone thinks I'm very funny, or even a little funny.  And not only do they not think I'm funny, but they find me offensive, hurtful, and/or mean.  Never in my quest for funniness have I intended to hurt feelings or cause harm.  Perhaps I shouldn't be so easily offended myself, but I can't deny that when people stop talking to me, tell me to stop,
or avoid me because of it, I can't help but be hurt by it.  It is so hard to realize that there are people that don't like you.  (Am I the only one that was living in a dream world where everyone liked you and is now facing reality?)

So if I'm not good at the one thing I'm supposed to be good at, what am I good at??  If I'm not the funny person, what is my identity?

After several months of trying to figure this out, I still don't have the answer.  Instead, I've just become unbelievably paranoid about everything I say, yet unable to change what I thought was my 1 good "talent".

Living Life With Purpose

You guys!  The other night, I was looking for a specific picture.  I could remember posting this picture on my other blog (the private one that only important people were invited to read).  I couldn't find it with all my pictures so I set off to find it on the other blog, and I ended up taking a lovely, emotional stroll down memory lane.  Back when my kids were wittle, and sweet, and cute, and frustrating.  Oh wait, they're still at that stage, huh?
As I read through these posts filled with pictures of my kids and silly stories, I couldn't help but fall even more in love with them.  And I couldn't help being reminded of the struggles I had during my first couple of years of parenting, and the struggles (STRUGGLES!!!!) I had adjusting to 2 kids.  It was hard!  (It's soooo easy now, though!)(By easy I mean, so completely hard for different reasons and I know that will keep happening as they keep growing.)
Also, as I read through these posts, I was so thankful for them because I have been horrible...HORRIBLE at keeping a journal since becoming a mother.  If it weren't for those posts, I'd have nothing to look back on but 3.5 million pictures, with no stories to fill in the gaps.  And I thought...I need to blog!  Truly, I NEED to.  Blogging is what got me through things.  It's what helped me add a twist of humor to the struggles I had.  I may not be good at much.  And what I'm good at may not be that good.  But I do feel like I'm relatively good at writing and it helps me focus.  It helps me express my thoughts, and come to conclusions, and focus on humor.

The last couple of days, I've been thinking about my kids, and their purpose in life.  I swear, there are some things that they do that I'm convinced someone sat down with them before they were born and said "Your purpose in life is to ______."  And they were given a specific list, and they are determined to do it, and take it very seriously!

jC's Purposes in Life
-His single most important purposes in life are to dance and to play tickle monster.  Everything else are things he just feels obligated to fulfill, but if given the chance, he'd do nothing but dance and play tickle monster all the day long!
-Second, though, is to ask for things to have or do that he knows we will say no to, just so he has a reason to whine.  I swear he does it on purpose.
-Oh wait, I just thought of another thing that should be among the most important in his purposes with dancing and tickle monster.  If he could do those two things, while simultaneously lying under a soft fuzzy blanket in nothing but his underwear, he'd be ALL about it!  He loves, LOVES him some soft blankets.  And the joy of a soft, fuzzy blanket with no clothes to stand between the two of them is pure joy.
-Less important on the list of his purposes is his need to stay up late, no matter how tired he may be.
-His purpose in life is to also be very sensitive to the feelings of others.  (well, he often takes exception to his siblings when he is choosing to be mean to them.)  But if someone is hurt, he hurts.  If someone is sad, he's sad.  He wants them to be better...ASAP.

luC's Purposes in Life
-For a while there I was convinced that luC's only purpose in life was to scream...about everything!  Not a baby screaming, but a toddler, who just likes to scream, if any possible reason is given (or no possible reason is given) to scream.  I have since learned that she does have other purposes.  It's just hard to see them some times, due to all the screaming.
-luC's purpose in life is to tell me she loves me, daily, multiple times.  When I'm saying multiple times, I don't mean 4 or 5 or even 6 or 10.  I mean 239 times.
-Her purpose in life is to do what others do.  If she sees jC doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  If she sees cC doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  If she says anyone in her radar doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  Luckily (so very luckily) this does not include having meltdowns and freak outs.  Not that she doesn't do those things, but when others do it, she doesn't let it influence her.
-Her other purpose in life is to be the wiggliest human being on the face of the planet when she's sitting in your lap.  She fulfills this purpose to perfection.  And since she loves to sit in laps, she has many opportunities to fulfill and continue to perfection this purpose in life.
-And last, but not least is her hugging.  She hugs like there is no tomorrow and they just might be the best hugs I've ever experienced.  The hugging coupled with the almost constant declarations of love are probably the only things that get me through some days.

cC's Purposes in Life
-cC is just a little guy, but he has some very clear purposes in his life.  #1 on the list, the very top, very most important purpose in his life is to pull luC's hair.  And pull it.  And pull it.  And pull it some more.  Which totally helps luC fulfill her purpose of screaming.  So they were clearly meant to be siblings. Oh, the joy he finds in pulling her hair.  Oh, the determination.
-cC has done really well in his purpose of staying bald.  All of my babies came out baldies.  But cC...well he has gone the extra mile.  By this age, jC and luC had hair.  cC?  He's going for a record.
-cC also was apparently told to be the funniest kid around.  I don't know how kids his age can have such a sense of humor, but he's got one.
-There's this one purpose in life he has that's really throwing me off.  And that is having a pacifier in his mouth at all times.  Now, you may be thinking this is totally normal for a kid his age, but jC and luC were well before 1 when we removed theirs from their mouth never to return it again.  cC, though, he is addicted.  Addicted, I tell you!
-Last on his list, but certainly not least is fulfilling his experiment to see how much he can get by using no words at all, but simply grunting and yelling.  I fear he is being so successful in his purpose that he will never have the desire to get what he wants by any other means.

Now if only I could figure out my purpose in life, we'd be good to go.

Esther 12:27

One of the biggest sources The biggest source of guilt that I feel in my every day life is in my lack of abilities as a mother.  Specifically my biggest weakness...my lack of patience which usually quickly escalates to a raised voice or yelling.  Every time I yell at one of my children I immediately feel guilty.  Every time I read things from other people who talk about their imperfections as a parent, but then say things like "But at least I don't yell at my kids", I feel guilty.  I read those things, or read uplifting posts from other moms who have "figured it out" and I vow to myself to do better.

But the reality is, the next day luC stands by the toilet and pees on the floor.  And then she body slams cC because he has a toy she wants.  And jC freaks out because he can't have what he wants right when he wants it.  And he hits luC for the pure joy of it.  The new day and new start I was looking forward to is just a brand new day of the reality that I am impatient and my kids are kids.

Yesterday, as I sat on the couch and juC was down in the basement with the kids, little jC came upstairs.  He was smiling and happy and he kept hugging me and giving me kisses.  He grabbed on to my hand, and gently shaking his head with exclamation, he whispered "I really love you."  My heart melted and broke at the precise moment he said it.

Then later in the day, luC came and sat on me while I was watching General Conference.  Similar to my experience with jC in the morning, she repeatedly hugged me and kissed me, and kept sweetly saying "I love you."  Similarly, my heart melted and broke at the same time.

My kids are kids.  They are pure.  They are sweet.  They are easy to forgive and usually easy to forget.  But I know it won't always be that way.  As they showed so much natural affection to me it made me thankful that apparently I'm doing at least part of my job right.  It made me glad that in spite of my failings, they can still find it in their heart to love me and appreciate me.  But it made my heart break because I know that in the not distant future, they will grow up.  And when they grow up, they won't so easily forgive my shortcomings.  They won't so easily look past my lack of patience.  They won't be so willing to show me love when I'm so willing to show them anger.

With all of my heart I want to do better.  I want to be the mom they deserve and need.  I'm trying with all of my might to be patient and loving even when they push me to my absolute limit.  I don't know if I will ever perfect my impatience.  But I hope with everything in me that I can overcome what I consider to be a huge trial before they are old enough to lose their patience with me and realize that maybe I don't deserve their unconditional love.  I will strive each day to do a little bit better than I did the day before in the hopes that one day I will get it right.  And I will find a little bit of comfort in the fact that even though I may not be doing it right, I am at least trying.

What's with us women?

Every once in a while, I post something serious. This is one of those times.  I actually originally started writing this post well over a year ago, but recent thoughts and such have finally prompted me to actually finish and post it.

About 2 years ago I was at stake conference, and it was the one where they do a broadcast. I wish I could remember which General Authority it was that spoke, but I can't remember for the life of me. Which is horrible, because it was an amazing talk.

As he was speaking, it's like he was speaking directly to me and what I needed to hear.  Then he said something that made me immediately take out a pen and paper to write what he said, which is so very rare for me!  Of course by the time I got the pen and paper, I was just hoping that what I actually remembered to write down was anything near what he actually said. What I wrote down was (Satan is) "Trying to divert from womanly/motherly duties by having us focus on our physical attributes."

This (probably very abbreviated) statement really hit me. Everywhere I look, I feel like we are focusing on the physical. Whether it is trying to get in perfect shape after having a baby, or trying to look physically attractive with the clothes we wear. I constantly see pins on Pinterest for "losing 5 lbs quickly", "get flat abs in 5 weeks" or pins for what clothes are most in style. I constantly find myself wanting to make sure I look a certain way hoping that people will accept or like me more. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting to look presentable, but I can't help but feel like it's something that we've let consume us at times.

To hear that it is Satan's way of trying to divert me from my womanly/motherly duties really struck me. Of all the ways I thought of him trying to divert me from those things, I never considered that as one of them.  And I see now that it's not just wanting to be in shape and wear perfectly styled clothes, but the time I take to figure out what those things are. How much time am I spending online looking for the perfect clothes to wear? How much time do I spend online trying to find the perfect hairstyle? How much time do I spend online seeing what exercises I should be doing to flatten my motherly stomach? I don't know the exact answer, but I know that whatever time that is, it was time spent away from my husband and my children.

Why have we as women become so critical of ourselves?  Why do we think we are ugly or unattractive because our stomachs aren't what they used to be before we had kids?  Why do we not see how badly we are making other women/mothers feel when we constantly criticize our physical appearance when they look like us, too?  Why have we put so much unneeded pressure on ourselves and others to have the "perfect" body?  Why do we start freaking out about our size 2 weeks after having a baby??  Why do we allow celebrities to set the bar for unrealistic expectations of what we should look like?  Why can't our focus be on being healthy and not on being thin??  Why can we not see what thoughts and expectations we are putting into our kids heads when we do all of these things??  And why...WHY do we let these things keep us from being the women and mothers we should be??

I cannot deny the fact that I have feelings of anger (yes, anger) with how much focus is put on our physical appearance these days.  No matter where I go I see people posting and talking about losing weight, wanting to get rid of their "baby pooch", feeling down because they don't look like they used to, being jealous of so and so because they look so much better, and on and on and on.  I'm so done with it.  And while I'm at it, I'm done with people making underhanded compliments about MY physical appearance.

So how about this...
How about we all stop obsessing (Yes, I do believe it has become an obsession) over our physical attributes?  How about we all focus on being healthy?  How about we all just accept ourselves and everyone else for who they are?  How much better would we be as women and mothers if we put half the effort into our children/families/friends as we did into researching and trying to attain the perfect body?

No, none of us come out and say to someone (or at least I hope we don't)  "Gee, your body looks disgusting."  But basically, that's what we are saying by what we say about ourselves, and by other actions.  So can we all just agree to stop?  Please?

Goal Setting.

It appears that at the young ages they are, my kids understand the importance of goals.  (Something that I still don't quite get the importance of at my age.)

They all have some goals they are trying to achieve, but it seems that they are all contradictory to the goals I have.

luC
luC's goal--To see how much food she can shove into her mouth at one time.
my goal--To keep luC from gagging and choking every time she eats.

luC's goal--To take off her diaper every single time she goes down for a nap or bedtime.
my goal--To not have to wash sheets every day.

luC's goal--To see how hard she can squeeze cC.
my goal--To keep cC in one piece.

luC's goal--To see if she can set the world record for loudest scream.
my goal--To keep my hearing until I'm in my 90s.

jC
jC's goal--To stay awake, all the time.
my goal--To have a well rested child.

jC's goal--To put up a fight about everything, even if it's something he actually wants to do.
my goal--To do fun things with my kids even if they aren't cooperating.

jC's goal--To make luC miserable.
my goal--To keep each of my children happy.

cC
cC's goal--(just like his older brother) To stay awake, all the time.
my goal--To have a well rested baby so as to have a well rested me.

cC's goal--To crawl around the kitchen floor getting his footed sleepers dirty, proving that the floor isn't as clean as I thought it was.
my goal--To keep cC out of footed sleepers when he's crawling around so that I don't see how dirty my kitchen floor actually is.

cC's goal--To get into everything he can possibly get to.
my goal--To try to keep up with keeping the house baby proofed.

My husband doesn't like to be left out of anything.  So he has taken it upon himself to also set some goals that are contradictory to mine.

juC
juC's goal--To never replace the toilet paper on the holder.
my goal--To not be the only one replacing the toilet paper on the holder.

juC's goal--To avoid doing the dishes at all costs.
my goal--To avoid doing the dishes at all costs.

juC's goal--To see if he is capable of completely tuning out a crying baby 24 hours a day.
my goal--To be sane.

The Ugly Truth

 This has become our kitchen more often than not.  Why is it so impossible to keep the kitchen clean?  It gets to the point that it is so much that I don't even want to deal with it.  So I don't.  That's kind of the way the rest of our house has gotten as well.  It's too overwhelming so I do nothing.  The last couple of months of my pregnancy with cC, I somehow found an enormous amount of energy to get some major cleaning and organizing done in our house.  So maybe the answer to this problem is to have another baby already?

hahahahaaaahahaaahaha.


Today I needed to go to Target for diapers.  What I got was yet another dose of reality that jC would be starting kindergarten soon and that it depresses me immensely.  He saw the backpacks and lunch boxes and wanted to pick his out.  He was excited, I was holding back tears.

I know a lot of people think that all day kindergarten is better than anything, EVER.  I am not one of those people.  jC has school from 8:20 to 3:35.  (That's not including travel time if he takes the bus)  Am I really one of the few people in this world that feel like my 5 year old being away from home almost as long as my 35 year old husband during the day is not even close to normal??  The thought alone makes me want to puke.  Don't get me wrong, I think school will be great for him, and I look forward to slightly more peace for a portion of the day.  But 4 hours or so would be plenty!  School starts September 4, and in my personal opinion, that day is coming way too soon.

hahahahahahaaahahaa.
(Sorry, still laughing about the having another baby now comment.)

Kitty Thursday

Thank you, izC's tail, for ruining a perfectly cute picture.

blog lameness, juC, Valentine's Day

I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my blog being funny and actually having people read it. I'm pretty sure my readership has dropped 98%. And I'm certain that my funniness has dropped 98% as well. Having a large blog readership is very important to me (note: no sarcasm)

So as I was pondering my blog, I realized it has been much too long since I've posted about my dear husband, juC. My blog isn't my blog without some good juC posts on it. I realized I never posted about Valentine's Day. A Valentine's post is a must. A MUST! And a juC post is a must. So here goes--

A Valentine's juC post

A little over a week before the BIG day, juC asked me if I just wanted Georgetown Cupcakes for Valentine's Day. Uhh...no thought needed...shheeyaaaah! That's how a guy shows a girl he loves her, after all.

Knowing what I was getting in no way ruined Valentine's Day. I was soooo looking forward to my cupcakes and the made up commercial holiday couldn't get here fast enough.

And finally, FINALLY--Valentine's Day was here. Oh, glorious day of cupcake arrival. The day was finally here, but now I had to wait ever so patiently for juC to get home from work. But I knew that the waiting would be worth it when I dug my teeth into that sweet goodness. And that I would enjoy them for days to come.

And finally, FINALLY--juC arrived home from work. With.........

A grocery bag.....

A grocery bag, people.....

A grocery bag containing a little Valentine heart with chocolates for jC....

A grocery bag with a little stuffed gorilla for luC.....

A grocery bag housing a tiny (I'm talking tiny) bag of Lindt truffles....

FOR ME!!!

Nary a beautiful pink box from Georgetown Cupcakes in sight. Why? Because he didn't know that's what I wanted.

Wait. What?

Yes, you heard me correctly.

He didn't know that I wanted Georgetown Cupcakes for Valentine's Day, even though it was his idea, and he asked me specifically, and I specifically and emphatically told him that it was very much what I wanted. I mean, I guess he can't be perfect all the time.

But don't worry, I reminded him daily that he failed (isn't that what good wives do?) until he finally came home with that glorious pink Georgetown Cupcake box.

But then, this past Saturday, he did something that proved that even though he couldn't get me the one thing for Valentine's Day that he knew he should get, that he does love me...A LOT.

You see--we had Indian (food) for dinner Saturday night. This was the first time getting Indian (food) since moving to our new house, which means we got it from a new place. And you see--it wasn't good. So after we ate, I mentioned that I wish Wegman's wasn't so far away from us now because they have this peanut butter cream pie that is TO DIE FOR! But the closest Wegmans to us now is about 30 minutes away.

But do you know what juC did? After we got the kids to bed, he told me he was going to

Wegmans to get me that oh so delicious peanut butter cream pie!! Melt my heart--He loves me. He really, really, really, REALLY loves me!! Probably more than a girl like me deserves to be loved. (If you've had this pie, you will understand why it means what it means that he went and got it for me. If you haven't had this pie, look at it. Can you not tell it's the most amazing thing in the world??)

I suppose that's why juC and I make the perfect couple. He loves me more than I deserve and I love him for loving me more than I deserve. And of course, because I love him in spite of his faults (like when he forgets to get me my cupcakes for Valentine's Day, even though it was HIS idea)

And by the bye, it was 5 years ago on the 18th that this sweet juC proposed right before Sunday dinner (by placing a 'marry me' conversation heart on my dinner plate with the ring). All kidding aside, he really is the most amazing husband and I'm so thankful for him!

Bring on the cheese!

Yesterday I planned to do a nice woah-mantic post for our wedding anniversary. But all of my plans for the day were ruined when I ended up spending most of the day at the ER. Everything is fine now, but I can't not do a post about our anniversary.

Every day my husband reminds me what a great husband he is and what a great choice I made. He doesn't just love me, but his actions show me that he loves me. I can't help but feel unbelievably blessed for the opportunity to spend eternity with such an amazing husband!

I couldn't ask for a better best friend, provider, father of my children, nurse, or handy man. Our wedding day was truely the most woah-mantic day of my life!

April Fools!!

I'm not one for April Fools jokes. It's kind of like Valentines day. Why should we limit love, or fooling, to one day a year?

But this year I made an exception. First I needed to find an easy target. One that would be easily tricked. Little JT seemed like the most gullible, so I set my sights on him and put my plan in motion.

We woke up that morning, had some breakfast. And then I said "Let's go to the park!" And I didn't mean just any old park. I meant Clemyjontri!

So we got dressed, and I loaded us up in the car. We had a 30 minute voyage ahead of us!

I got on the toll road, which cost me $4.15 to get on, and then another $1.00 to get off. Then we drove to the park and it was completely crowded. Nary a parking space to be found, unless we parked down the road and hiked up to the park. I told little JT to worry not, we'll go to another park.

I pulled out my GPS and looked up parks. I picked a random park and my trusty GPS guided me there....to a little patch of grass the size of my half bathroom on a dead end in a random neighborhood. Sweet! By this time he was done with being in the car, and I was done with him being done being in the car. After over an hour of driving, it was just time for us to head home.

So back home we go. Another few dollars to get us home on the toll road, we arrived at home just in time for lunch.

"APRIL FOOLS!" I said! I totally tricked him. He totally thought we were going to the park!

Or was it the universe playing an April Fools Day joke on me!?

a letter

dear people at my gym who bring a sweat towel with them,

tell me how this makes sense:
you bring a towel with you, and you work out really hard and you are nasty sweaty, and you wipe your sweat off with the towel, THEN you wipe the machine off with that same towel. really? do you think that works? all you are doing is spreading your sweat around even more.
how bout using that disinfectant they provide for us?

sincerely,
the girl with the grossed out look on her face at the gym

in my dreams

i have a very deep and abiding love for old farms and old houses. so when i was out with my friend marci one day several weeks ago, and we eyed this barn with a cute old house on the property, i fell in love!!

i want it to be mine with all of my heart. i showed it to juC and we did the research and it appears the land belongs to some developers who will most likely be replacing the beautiful barn and house with new houses one day when the economy is better. it truly makes my heart hurt.

so if anyone ever asks me what i'd do if i won a million dollars, my answer would be that i would buy this barn and the house and make it into my home. i'm not asking for a lot.

what do you think? isn't it the most amazing barn?

(click on picture to enlarge.)

look at me! look at me!

(realize that what you are about to read is coming from a person that does all of these things)

i've been thinking a lot about "status updates" these days. with websites like facebook, twitter, blogs, and instant messangers that allow you to put status updates or things about you, we are always up to date on every little detail of everyone. it's funny to me that we use multiple functions to publish our status. just to make sure no one misses out on what's up with us, and all in an effort to be hip.

our world has quickly changed into one where everyone wants everyone to know what's going on with them (kind of, i'll get to that in a moment) but they don't want to actually talk to people to inform them. that would take too much effort? do we all really need to know who is eating a piece of cake at what time? do we all really need to know that someone just rang your doorbell? gone are the days of making phone calls to announce pregnancies, now are the days of twittering about it. and no longer do we call people to check in on them, we just post comments on their status when they updated us to let us know that things aren't going so well.

now back to the "everyone wants everyone to know what's going on with them....kind of". i love the cryptic updates. you know the ones. the ones that say things like "i knew something bad was going to happen." or "i'm so excited about the next week!" but that's all they give you. if you want to know what bad or good thing happened you have to ask. they want the satisfaction of knowing someone cared enough to ask.

it all kills me. it kills me that i'm so completely a part of it. it kills me that our world is one that rarely uses phone calls and visits anymore, but relies on text messages and status updates. (i could do a whole other posts about cell phones) i know some people say it's about convienance and being able to let multiple people know things all at once. but why does everything have to be convienant? doesn't it mean more people people put forth effort?

really people...is this how we want to live our lives?
ok, i'm done. i'm gonna go twitter now to let everyone know i blogged.

hip=hard

as you may know, i'm on a quest for ultimate hip-ness. which explains why i joined a gym. cause all the hip kids are doing it. but to reach ultimate hip-ness i had to go a step further, and hire a personal trainer. and by "hire a personal trainer" i mean "personal trainer sessions are free for the month of may." so my friend and i set up a session for tonight at 8 pm. one problem. one very serious problem. one horrible mistake made by me.
tonight...at 8 pm....is the season premier....of the best-show-ever! (and i dont get dvr until next week!)


take a lot back at last seasons sneak peak to remember some of the grea times.


i can't believe i'm going to miss it. being hip is hard

when spotaneity meets unpreparedness

all last week i knew that the battery on my camera was low. but i kept procrastinating charging the battery. you know...because plugging the battery into the charger then plugging the charger into the wall takes a whole lot of effort and time that i'm clearly too busy for.

which ended in regret when saturday juC took us for a random drive and we ended up at the national cathedral. i'd never been there before and i couldn't believe how big it is! and i was glad that my camera was still working...for the time being.

and i couldn't believe it when we went inside and the worker dude was all "there is a wedding in progress right now so.." (i think he's going to say we cant go in the chapel, but much to my surprise he said...) "so you have to go through the side door and you aren't allowed to take pictures."

it was so fun watching some random person get married along with the 100 other strangers that were standing in the back with us. the size of the chapel (is that what they call it?) was INSANE!

we also went up to the top floor, where it was pointed out that we could see the washington d.c. temple in the distance. my camera was still working so i took some pictures of it. see it?

yeah, i didnt either at first. but here it's circled. see?

yeah, me either.

after walking around a little more we went back outside, and were scouting out a place i could set my camera to take a picture of the family with the cathedral in the background. that's when regret set in. as i set the timer, we posed for a picture, it took this....

and then the battery died.

sweet.