Esther 12:27

One of the biggest sources The biggest source of guilt that I feel in my every day life is in my lack of abilities as a mother.  Specifically my biggest weakness...my lack of patience which usually quickly escalates to a raised voice or yelling.  Every time I yell at one of my children I immediately feel guilty.  Every time I read things from other people who talk about their imperfections as a parent, but then say things like "But at least I don't yell at my kids", I feel guilty.  I read those things, or read uplifting posts from other moms who have "figured it out" and I vow to myself to do better.

But the reality is, the next day luC stands by the toilet and pees on the floor.  And then she body slams cC because he has a toy she wants.  And jC freaks out because he can't have what he wants right when he wants it.  And he hits luC for the pure joy of it.  The new day and new start I was looking forward to is just a brand new day of the reality that I am impatient and my kids are kids.

Yesterday, as I sat on the couch and juC was down in the basement with the kids, little jC came upstairs.  He was smiling and happy and he kept hugging me and giving me kisses.  He grabbed on to my hand, and gently shaking his head with exclamation, he whispered "I really love you."  My heart melted and broke at the precise moment he said it.

Then later in the day, luC came and sat on me while I was watching General Conference.  Similar to my experience with jC in the morning, she repeatedly hugged me and kissed me, and kept sweetly saying "I love you."  Similarly, my heart melted and broke at the same time.

My kids are kids.  They are pure.  They are sweet.  They are easy to forgive and usually easy to forget.  But I know it won't always be that way.  As they showed so much natural affection to me it made me thankful that apparently I'm doing at least part of my job right.  It made me glad that in spite of my failings, they can still find it in their heart to love me and appreciate me.  But it made my heart break because I know that in the not distant future, they will grow up.  And when they grow up, they won't so easily forgive my shortcomings.  They won't so easily look past my lack of patience.  They won't be so willing to show me love when I'm so willing to show them anger.

With all of my heart I want to do better.  I want to be the mom they deserve and need.  I'm trying with all of my might to be patient and loving even when they push me to my absolute limit.  I don't know if I will ever perfect my impatience.  But I hope with everything in me that I can overcome what I consider to be a huge trial before they are old enough to lose their patience with me and realize that maybe I don't deserve their unconditional love.  I will strive each day to do a little bit better than I did the day before in the hopes that one day I will get it right.  And I will find a little bit of comfort in the fact that even though I may not be doing it right, I am at least trying.