Your husband loves you more than my husband loves me

It's been a while since my last blog post.  That's because I have been trying to get over my broken heart.  Time and time again something like this happens.  I always try to convince people that my husband loves me more than any other husband loves their wife.  But the truth of the matter is, it's just not true.  I guess I've just been trying to convince myself of it to make myself feel better.

Let me start from the beginning.

I started realizing that perhaps my husband didn't love me as much as other husbands love their wives several years ago.  It happened one night when I was out late with friends.  Everyone's husbands were checking on them.  Everyone but my husband.  I arrived home at an unreasonably late hour only to find my husband fast asleep.  When I questioned him about not being worried about me he said "I knew you'd call if something was wrong."  My response?  "But your phone was downstairs in the kitchen!!"  Even if something was wrong, and I or someone else tried to call him to alert him, he'd have been peacefully sleeping upstairs, none the wiser that disaster had struck his poor wife!!

But people, it get's worse!  I know what your thinking...how could it possibly get worse?  I assure you, it can.  And this, my friends, is the proof that your husband loves you more than my husband loves me.

On the night of November 6, 2013, I went out with some friends and dined at a fine eating establishment.  We talked, we ate, we talked, we ate some more.  Then we talked more, and more, and more.  Next thing we knew, it was late.  I checked my phone regularly to make sure all was well at home.  Not one single call or text from my husband came asking about my current state of safety.  Not one single ounce of concern was being shown.  Meanwhile, as we've decided the hour was late and we should be getting home, a husband called to check on his wife to make sure all was well.  That husband was not mine!

I arrived home at 11 p.m.  I proceeded to obtain entrance into my home through the garage after being dropped off by a friend.  I keyed in the code to the garage, at which time my friend left because it would only be safe to assume that I'd be fine continuing my entrance into the house at this point.  I arrived at the door from the garage leading into the kitchen only to find it locked!  Was it possible that my husband locked me out of the house THEN went to bed?

I knocked.
No one came.
I called his cell phone.
Then listened to it ringing inside the home while no one answered.

I then exited the garage and made my way to the rear door of the house.  I found the rear door in the same locked state.
I knocked loudly, hoping that my husband, presumably sound asleep right above me would hear his poor, dear wife and come to her rescue.
My loud knocking was done in vain.

Thankfully, I had previously witnessed my husband breaking into our home several months prior when he inadvertently locked us out of the house.  With crossed fingers, I hoped that my felony skills were as good as his.  Luckily they were (I should look into a career change) and I was able to gain entrance into our home...finally...without any help from him.

Upon further inspection of the home, I found my husbands cell phone, sitting all by itself on the kitchen counter.  I then found my husband, sound asleep in our bed, completely oblivious to where I was and the potential trouble I was in.

It was in that moment, right then and there, that I realized that your husband loves you more than my husband loves me.  And it was in that moment, that my poor little heart broke into a million tiny pieces.

I mean sure, my husband loves me enough to do the dishes multiple times a week.  And sure my husband loves me enough to work hard for our family so that we can enjoy all the comforts of life. And OK, he loves me enough to support me in a lot of my crazy ideas that other people judge me for. And it's true, he loves me enough to make me hot chocolate when I'm craving it but all he wants to do is sit on the couch and rest.  And it's true, he does love me enough to take our child to the bus stop on cold mornings so that I can stay in our warm house with the other kids.   And yes, my husband loves me enough to buy me things that I probably don't need, but really want.  And yes, my husband loves me enough to watch the kids while I have girls nights.

But still!!

It was in that moment that I knew that the only way my heart could be put back together and become whole again would be if my husband would bring me a slice of Hershey's Sundae Pie everyday for the next 5 years.

Fall Rambling

I love Halloween and fall.

Perhaps it's because fall means pumpkin and I love pumpkin.  Pumpkin patches, pumpkins on the porch, pumpkin in every bit of food I eat.

Perhaps it's because fall means brightly colored leaves on trees and I want to take a picture of every tree I see.

Perhaps it was because it was a Halloween barn dance that juC and I shared our first dance together.

Perhaps it's because it was in the midst of Halloween and fall that Jud and I had our first date.

And having children has only intensified my love of fall and Halloween.  I love having photo shoots with my kids in their costumes. I have looked at the above picture about 1,293 times since Halloween because I feel like it's the perfect depiction of everything I love about Halloween.  My kids in their costumes.  Each holding their buckets for collecting candy.  Holding hands (even if it was only for 5 seconds) as they walked down the beautiful fall tree lined street.  It's another one of those images I wanted seared into my memory.

I have this terrible...habit. (Is it a habit?  A curse?  A blessing?  To be honest, I don't know what it is.  And I don't know if it's me, or something more powerful than me that causes it)  There are certain times that triggers something in my head where I have visions into the future.

I'll give you an example.

A few weeks ago luC went upstairs to get something while I stood at the bottom of the stairs and waited for her.  Because she is still so tiny, walking down the stairs takes her a great deal of effort.  Add the that the fact that she was carrying something down with her, she had to walk down slowly, carefully, and resting her hand on the wall as she walked down.  As she was walking down in that particular way, an image flashed in my head of her 15 years from now, walking down the stairs ever so carefully in a prom dress as I waited at the bottom of the stairs for her.

The picture above causes me to have the same kind of flash into the future of my children.  When I look at that picture I see jC and luC several years from now, walking together, talking each others ears off, and being great friends.  But I picture them being too cool to dress up for Halloween.  I picture them at a time in their lives when they no longer let me pick out their costumes and are too old to let me have photo shoots with them.  Ok, so a part of me pictures them being bratty teenagers who want nothing to do with me more often than not.

I don't know if those visions will come true, but  for that reason I love fall and Halloween even more right now.  I love taking them to the pumpkin patch and watching them pick out their pumpkins.  I love that they let me pick out their costumes and are excited to dress up.  I love seeing the excitement on their face when they realize how much candy they are getting from neighbors.  I love the joy they get each time they eat more of their treasured candy.  I love it, I love it, I love it.  And I will forever be grateful for this time of year and for these memories.  And I will hold on to these memories like my life depends on it.