For the Love of Facebook

I have a love hate relationship with facebook.

Reason for the hate?  Well, there are several.  But one of the main ones is that I think people used to be way better friends to each other before facebook.  You know, when we used to actually call each other to find out what was going on in our friends lives.  Not just looking at facebook posts to see.

But that's beside the point.  Right now I love facebook.  Right now I am grateful for facebook.  Right now I feel so indebted to facebook.  Ok, not really.  Don't come knocking at my door looking for payment Mark Zuckerburg.

But I do love it at the moment and here's why.

A few months ago, when I found out that the blood clot (DVT) that was in my pelvis wasn't going away at all, I started to suspect I had something called May Thurner Syndrome.  The dumb-ed down version of MTS (I'm dumb-ing it down because it's the only way I know it, not because I think you need it to be) is that there are right main veins and left main veins, that go down into the legs, and the right main vein is compressing the left main vein, restricting blood flow.  Thus contributing to blood clots, and/or keeping the body from being able to naturally break the clot down.

So thanks to handy dandy facebook, I was able to ask a little bit about MTS on a support group for people with DVT.  Through my post asking about MTS, I connected with a girl in Texas.  She had a similar story to mine in that she was diagnosed with a very large blood clot soon after giving birth.  She told me that she ended up searching and searching and finally finding an amazing doctor in Pennsylvania who she flew up to see to get treatment for her clot, and he was the one who found she had MTS.  I appreciated her insight and let her know that if I was diagnosed with MTS, I'd probably have more questions for her.

Fast forward a couple months, and I was finally tested for MTS by having a ct scan, and found out I for sure had it.  Once again, I turned to facebook and a support group for folks with MTS.  The doctor I saw bombarded me with a list of things that were "wrong" with me when he gave me the diagnosis and I felt SO overwhelmed.  I asked questions on the support group, and was surprised to find that there was a doctor in the group who answered my questions.  And the more I asked, the more he answered.  The next week, I went to another doctor to get a second opinion.  This doctor had a completely different opinion and approach to my blood clot and MTS.  I left his office still feeling so upset.

The bottom line was that I was confused, uneasy, upset, and just didn't feel confident in either one of the doctors I saw.  The thought of either one of them doing a procedure on me just didn't feel...right.  Not that I think they are bad doctors.  Just that I didn't feel like they were right for my specific needs. So I came home so frustrated after seeing the second doctor.  I looked on the internet more for the specific kind of doctor I needed, and just wasn't finding anything and I felt so stuck.

Then that doctor on the MTS support group came to mind.  He's up at UPenn and I'd asked him the night before if he saw clients from out of state, just on a whim.  He was kind enough to send me a private message letting me know he did.  So, I called my insurance company.  He's a contracted provider.  I remembered the girl from Texas who fought hard to find a good doctor.  I contacted her again...it was the same doctor who'd been answering my questions!!  She loved him, and said she trusted him with her life.  It was clear to me that I needed to pursue treatment from him.  He and I messaged back and forth and he continued to be kind enough to answer my questions about what things I needed to send him and how long it would take.  He assured me that he'd review my scans within a day or two of receiving them and said that he'd let me know if he felt like he was the one that could help me.

As soon as I made the decision to pursue treatment from him, I felt completely at ease.  All of the worries and anxiety I had about it diminished.  I was able to go up and meet with him last week, where it only further confirmed that he was the right doctor for me.

And in a couple weeks I'll be heading back up to UPenn for him to do a procedure to open up the compressed vein and hopefully get rid of the issues I've been having with my leg.

All of this...thanks to facebook.  It's not often that I can clearly see how things came together perfectly and for my own good.  But this was a time when I for sure saw the hand of my Heavenly Father, perfectly orchestrating something just for me.  I am so grateful for the people that were put in my path and for being led the way I was.  And even though I often hate facebook and modern technologies, I know for sure things wouldn't have gone this way if it wasn't for them!

Stop!

Every day at 1:00 p.m. is quiet time in our house.  cC naps, luC has to play in her room, and bC and I nap in my bed (usually).  The last 2 days I have so been looking forward to quiet time, as my eyes have burned with tiredness all morning.  (Not due to bC keeping me up at night, but I think due to the medication I'm taking.)  Then quiet time comes, and I lie in bed by bC and I just can't sleep.  I close my eyes and soak in the relief of my burning eyes finally resting, then I can't help but open them again and stare at bC.

For a few years now I've had my mind set on 5 children.  Everything about that just felt...right.  Which was a huge leap from after jC was born and I was convinced there was no way I could have more.

But over the last couple of months, all of that rightness has become uneasiness.  I obviously just had a baby, so I obviously have time to figure it all out.  However, I feel like I need to savor every single second in case I don't get to experience it again.  And also feel like I need to figure it out so I can mentally prepare myself for whatever outcome there is, because no matter what, it's going to be hard.

These are the days when I hate, hate my DVT.  These are the days when I feel like it's ruined everything.  These are the days when I just wish more than anything that I could go back in time and know what it was, what exact moment it was that caused my DVT, and do something differently in that moment to stop it from happening.

I'm mad that that my DVT leg is larger than my other leg and probably always will be.  I'm mad that I'm vain enough to care about my leg being larger than my other leg.  I'm mad that my leg feels heavy and gets swollen if I'm on my feet.  I'm mad that I can't exercise the way I want to.  I'm mad that I can't go for my walks like I used to.  I'm mad that if I were to have a 5th, like I thought I would, that it would mean shots in my stomach daily for over 9 months.  I'm mad that if I have a 5th, I'd be worried the whole time that in spite of the medicine, I might get another clot.  I'm mad that for the rest of my life, when I travel for long distances, I'm going to worry about getting another clot.  I'm mad that I have to worry about eating something that's going to affect my medication.  I'm mad that most of the day and especially at the end of the day, my leg feels heavy and achy like I've been exercising.  I'm just mad.  And I'm mad that I'm mad.  I'm mad that my last post was about how grateful I was, and that this post is about how mad I am.

And I'm mad that baby bC won't stop growing!  It frustrates me that I'm not enjoying this time like I should.  I feel like it's going by way too quickly, and that my mind is too many other places.  What if this is my last baby? What if these are the last days of me getting to feed a newborn, and rock a newborn to sleep?  What if this is the last time that I'm getting to experience the first smile, the first laugh, the first time rolling over, and the first steps?  I feel a little bit cheated that this is how I'm experiencing it.  I wish more than anything everything with my kids would just freeze for a little bit.  I just want everything to stop!

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I truly am grateful for so much.  But right now, I'm also just mad. So I guess for now, I'll keep staring at my sleeping baby whenever I actually get the chance to, and hope that some day soon I will change my attitude so that I can be more happy and not so mad.

One Month Ago--Bring on the Tender Mercies

One month ago today, I woke up, and could tell that something was definitely wrong.

After a few days of having horrible pain on my left side when I walked, I woke to find my left leg swollen and red.  Walking was more difficult, and my hopes I'd had before that whatever this pain was was nothing and would go away soon were gone.  

juC and I went to an urgent care place.  The doctor there said it looks and sounds like a blood clot, but they didn't have an ultrasound machine, and I needed to go to the ER for an ultrasound.  

Now, mind you, I had no idea what having a blood clot entailed.  So I was pretty calm for the most part, and was hoping to go to the ER and just get this over with.  Several hours later, after having an ultrasound, I was told that I had a blood clot in the deep (main) vein of my leg, from my pelvis to my calf.  Deep vein thrombosis.  

This past month has been hard because of my diagnosis and because of other reasons.  But I've tried really hard to think of all of the blessings that have happened.  The tender mercies in this process.  From Elder Bednars talk--"Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."  

--juC was at home getting kids ready for bed when I was given my diagnosis.  I was able to get a message to him to have someone come with him as soon as he could come back to give me a priesthood blessing.  It was such a blessing to have a someone available at a moments notice to come with him to give a blessing.  And I am so thankful for a husband who was able to lay his hands on my head and give me a priesthood blessing.  The following Saturday I headed back to the ER again and I was able to get another amazing priesthood blessing before I went.  It again brought me much needed comfort.  And once again a couple weeks ago, when I was having a rough time and juC was at work, I was able to call on my bishop to give me yet another blessing, which again brought me the comfort that I needed at that time.  

--It was a huge blessing that so many people were available through the 24 hour period that I was in the ER and hospital to watch the kids at home.  With family so far away, I've always wondered how we'd manage in an emergency to have the kids taken care of.  There were so many that were willing to sacrifice their time to take care of the kids.  

--Baby bC was only 2 weeks old when all of this happened.  When I was told he couldn't stay with me in the hospital so I could nurse him through the night, I may have freaked out a little bit!  We'd had a rough road to nursing, and I didn't want it to be ruined.  The hospital was great about it, and provided a pump.  I was able to pump enough for the night before juC went home with him.  My next concern was bC taking those bottles during the night.  So very thankfully, he slept beautifully, and took the bottles with no problem.  And going back to what I previously mentioned, I was even able to find someone who was willing to stay the night at our house in case baby bC didn't take the bottle and juC needed to leave quickly to get him to me for a feeding.  

--I was by myself for a lot of the time I was in the hospital.  I am grateful for family and friends that were praying for me.  Because of those prayers, I didn't feel alone, even when I was.

--A lot of times I kind of hate facebook.  But I was grateful that when I was hanging out in a hospital room by myself, that I could post what was happening on facebook and I got lots of encouragement from so many friends.  It brought a lot of comfort.

--Anyone that knows me knows that I have serious issues with needles.  So finding out that I was going to be getting a shot in my stomach twice a day for the next week or so was probably one of the worst moments of this time.  Huge tender mercy--I had just had a baby so there was lots of extra fat and skin for these injections in my stomach.  One of the few times I've been thankful to have some extra pounds.  And another tender mercy--juC got some guidance on how to give the shot(no way I could do it myself!) so that it wouldn't hurt and burn as much.  He did pretty good!  There were a couple times that I wanted to cause him bodily harm because of how bad it hurt, though.

--One of the things that happens when you have DVT and are on meds is getting your blood checked regularly to make sure it's at the right "thinness".  The first family doctor I went to wasn't able to check it in the office.  So I was going to have to go to the hospital lab and have it drawn.  Anyone who's ever gotten work done at a hospital lab knows that there can often be a very long wait!  Cause that's what I want to do regularly with 4 kids.  After much searching and calling around, I was finally able to find a doctor who could do the testing and get the results right in the office and was able to see me soon, and actually had a nice office staff.  

--Soon after diagnosis, I joined a facebook group for people with DVT and PE (pulmonary embolism--when clots get in the lungs).  It's been a blessing and a curse.  I was a little discouraged hearing what others were going through...years after their DVT.  So many people were talking about how the initial pain they had when walking when they were diagnosed lasted for months.  I was so scared of that, and wondering how I would handle my responsibilities as a mother with this kind of pain.  I was so grateful that the pain gradually decreased over the next week and I have no pain when walking now.  I do have pain in my leg, especially when standing a lot.  But overall, it hasn't been too bad.  

--I met with a hematologist a couple weeks after diagnosis.  It was there that I found out that there are a couple genetic things that most likely contributed to my clot (along with pregnancy).  I found out that if I were to get pregnant again with in a year, I'd have to do the shot twice a day for the duration of pregnancy and 6 weeks after.  After a year, it'd be once a day.  As I mentioned before, me and needles...not friends.  To do shots daily for 10ish months in my stomach sounds a lot like torture.  Though this blood clot is a trial I have to endure, how very VERY thankful I am it happened after my fourth pregnancy.  I cannot even imagine if this had happened after my first and I would have been faced with these shots for any other children I had.  I know of someone who did it through 3 pregnancies and they are my hero!  

--Through all of this, juC has been absolutely amazing.  I cannot imagine going through this with someone else, because I don't think anyone else could have handled me and all of the responsibilities of the kids and work as well as him.  I always feel thankful to be married to him, but have felt even more so over this past month.  

--Baby bC has been quite possibly one of the hugest tender mercies of all.  I have felt overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, angry, etc etc for various reasons over the past month, but he's been amazing.  He is the sweetest baby and has had a calming effect on me.  I am so very grateful that I was blessed with him before going through this.  I am grateful that he is the baby that he is.  I've had some doozies of a baby before but he just goes along with all of this so nicely.  

Honestly, there are so many tender mercies, but these are the main ones that I've thought of often and have to keep reminding myself of when I start thinking of the negative.  I've had a lot of fears and worries over this past month.  I've kept thinking--I'm too young and active for something that could so negatively affect the rest of my life.  But I've had an overwhelming feeling and reminder that Heavently Father knows exactly what we need.  He knows the blessings we need but also He knows the trials we need.  And I do strongly believe that we do need trials even though I really wish we didn't.   We many not know why we need certain things, but He does.  It's definitely an exercise of faith and I'm often lacking in it.  It's easy to have faith when everything is honky-dory.  And it's easy to doubt when things aren't going the way we think they should and want them to be.    

I am infinitely grateful for my knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father who I know hears my prayers.