Schools (almost) out for the SUMMER!

After little jC is done with school today, he will have 4 days left of school.  And to be totally and completely honest, I'm having very mixed feelings about this.  To be totally and completely honest, jC is a pretty difficult kid to keep entertained.  He always needs someone to play with, he always wants to be going and doing something, or it's just not good enough for him.  And when you DO actually take him to go and do something, he can be a little...under-satisfied.  And he's not afraid to show it.  Add on top of that the fact that when he's done with school I will be 33 weeks pregnant and a million and two degrees outside, it adds a whole new level to the stress I feel of keeping him and 2 other kids entertained for a summer.

So with all of that negative mumbo-jumbo out of the way, I'm trying to focus on all of the *positives* to him being out of school.  Because there certainly are some good things about it!

-No more homework!!!  I've said it before, I'll say it again, and I'll never change my mind about it--Kindergartners having homework is wrong.  WRONG people!!  I'm so glad we will have a break from that blasted nightly homework!!

-No more having to wake him up every morning and having him say "But I'm still tired."  I'm a huge believer in sleep.  HUGE!  And I'm a huge believer in not waking up sleeping children.  Having to wake him up every morning to get him ready for school was so hard!

-I can stop doing laundry!  Ok, I won't stop.  But it will be nice to not have to worry day to day if he has clean clothes to wear to school the next day and hurrying to get laundry done.  And if he happens to wear dirty clothes, there probably won't be other people around to notice that he's worn the same thing consecutively and that there are stains on it.

-No more packing lunches!  I don't know why, but this stressed me out a bit.  Even though he had THE SAME THING...EVERY  DAY.  I always worried I'd some how forget to put something in his lunch.  In fact, I did forget his apple sauce one time.  Sure, having to figure out what he'll have for lunch each day at home won't be a walk in the park, but for some reason it doesn't seem like quite as much pressure.

-No more restaurant fund raisers!  The "cool" thing to do is have a restaurant agree to have a night where when people came to eat there and mention the school, half of the price would go to the school.  I swear there were weeks and weeks in a row that fliers were coming home for a different restaurant each week.  And jC thought we needed to go to each and every one of them!  Oh the tears and frustration when we didn't go to them all.

-Ok, I know you don't want to hear about this one, but I have to add it to the list.  Because if this was a true legitimate list, where I was putting them in order, this would be at the very top of things I'm soooo glad I don't have to deal with anymore.  --No more having jC have to do the doo RIGHT when he needs to be getting out the door to catch the bus.  It's nearly a daily thing at this point that he waits until about 10 minutes before he needs to go catch the bus to say "My tummy hurts".  And seeing as how it takes him a good 10-15 minutes, it just doesn't work.  So, so, so, so, so glad to not have to deal with that for a bit!

Now that I've said the #1 reason, it's hard for me to think of anything else.  It's so hard to believe that kindergarten is almost over and next year he'll be a 1st grader.  It's hard to believe that just 5 short years ago, (almost exactly to the day) he was this little guy...

and now he's already this big guy...

I'm not going to lie.  It hurts my heart a little bit.  It's exciting to see him growing and learning, but it's also so hard.  But whether I want it to happen or not, it is.  And whether I want summer to come or not...it is.  Really, really, really soon!

Spring is Springing!!

This winter has just felt miserable to me.  The cold, cold, cold temperatures.  The days, and days, and days of snow.  It's just more than this here southern girl cares to deal with.  Added to that the fact that I fell pregnant (I'm pretending to be British by saying that), and feeling horrible so much, it was just (for a lack of a better way to describe it) a bummer winter.

 Last week I got the kids the book "Oh, the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Suess.  I'd never read it before.  At least not that I can remember.  When I read this part, I felt it portrayed exactly how this winter has made me feel...
"All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak."

It is safe to say that I felt alone a lot...even though I was very, very rarely alone, thanks to 3 children.  And it's safe to say that when you feel alone, you have way too much time to think.  And when you think too much, you start to think things like "I'm going to have 4 kids!  FOUR!!!  I'm hanging on by a thread with 3, how will I do FOUR!?!"  And that scared my pants off, people!  Add to that the "I'm going to be massive and pregnant through the heat of summer." and "I won't get to go on any fun vacations." and I was all, "I don't want to go on."  Yet simultaneously thinking "WHEN WILL THIS WINTER END?!"

But, on I went.  And now I am starting to see beautiful glimpses of spring and it makes me oh so happy!

Yesterday was beautiful.  After jC got home from school and finished his homework (have I mentioned how much I hate kindergarten homework??)  we headed off to the park.  As we walked around the side of our house, we saw some of our spring flowers had begun to bloom.  jC said "Do you know what those are called?"  I assumed he meant what kind of flowers they were and I was trying to remember, when he said "Butts!  They're called butts!"  Then I realized he meant buds...of flowers just blooming.  And he started explaining that they were learning about flowers at school.  And I thought "This is going to be a great spring!"  (And I can't wait for more butts to bloom!!)

The kids played...

 and played....

 and played...

 and played...

in absolutely perfect weather.  And all was right in the world.  And I finally was feeling like the end of "Oh, the Places You'll Go", where it says,
"So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!"

I'm finally feeling like today (and the rest of the days) are my day!  And I'm thankful that my name isn't Buxbaum!  And I'm ready for some mountains!  I'm glad spring is finally here, and my fingers (and every other extremity I have) are crossed that it sticks around for a while.

Conversations with Littles

little luC has been saying that the baby is a girl.  little jC has been saying he wants it to be a girl.  He even said one night "Can we name her?"  And when I said that it might not be a her, but a him, he seemed open to the idea, but insisted that it should be a girl.  When I was pregnant with cC, he was the same way.  He really wanted a girl baby!

And it looks like my kids won't ever get want they want.  (A lesson we should all learn in life.)
After finding out at the ultrasound that it was, sadly for them, not a girl, I went home and first shared the news with luC.  (as jC was still in school.)

"Guess what the baby is.  A girl or a boy?"
To which she replied "A girl!"
"Nope, it's a boy!"  Yaaay!
Devastation swept across her face.  "Why!?"
"Because that's what it is.  It's a boy!"
Further devastation.  "But I wanted a giiirrl baby!"

Then jC got off the school bus.  I'd considered doing something more exciting to share the news with him to soften the blow.  Like balloons.  Or maybe a cake.  But I opted for a nap over baking.  But I decided I'd just wait until he remembered that we were finding out before I told him.

That took about 45 seconds.  As we walked back home from the bus stop he asked his daily question, "What did you do today."
Stall tactic..."Ummmm.  I slept all day!"
He couldn't be fooled.  "No you didn't!"
Then he remembered!  "What is the baby going to be?"
Ok, super duper excited voice in effect!  "It's a boy!"
His unexpected (for the moment) response, "YAAAAY!"
"Isn't that exciting?  You get to have another brother."
Phew, it worked!
Then I guess because I was the bearer of bad news with a happy voice, he thought he'd return the favor.  In an excited voice he said "And then you are going to have two babies.  And you will get to change two babies diapers."
Well played jC.  Well played.

Then it sunk it.  The disappointment set in.  "But I wanted to have a girl baby."

I'm certain that if cC could talk, he'd comfort me and tell me he knew it was a boy all along and that they are going to be the best of friends.

Adventure Time!

Saturday was a beautiful, magnificent day...weather wise.  After having a snow storm on Monday (And the crazy cold temperatures all winter) the 70 degree weather was more than welcome!  So of course that meant I needed to come up with an adventure for us to take the kids on. And the key to getting juC to agree to an adventure is to find a place for us to eat...with hamburgers.

One of the things I always see people do when they visit NYC is go to Shake Shack.  So imagine my surprise when I found out that we have Shake Shack here in DC.  And not just 1 of them, but 3.  If everyone is always talking about it, I have to try it out for myself.  It was the perfect day to give it a try and enjoy being outside in DC.

So off we went after cC woke up from his nap.

As anyone who lives in this area knows, traffic on 66 going into DC is super predictable.  It's always a mess even when there is no construction or accidents.  When we started realizing a certain trend to the people that we were stuck in traffic with, juC begged the question "Is there an event tonight or something?  Is there a Caps game?"  Smart phone to the rescue!  There was indeed a C-A-P-S! Caps, Caps, Caps! game at 7 p.m.
So then I begged the question, "The Shake Shack isn't by the Verizon Center is it?"
juC's reply: No.  Phew!  Dodged that bullet!  I didn't want to deal with all these people planning to have the same dinner as us before they headed to the game.

As luck would have it, we were able to find a pretty decent parking spot on the street a few blocks before we were to arrive at the Shake Shack.  We unloaded, and began our walk.  As we arrived on a street  corner, we saw...wait...what is that kitty-corner to the Shake Shack?  Is that...the Verizon Center?  How about that!?  Good thing we didn't go to one of the other 2 locations.  I was secretly really wanting to dine with all of the C-A-P-S!  Caps, Caps, Caps fans!

We walked by all the outside tables, which were completely full.  Walked into the Shake Shack and got into the long line.  I took the kids to the bathroom at the back, walking past all of the full tables.  This was going to be a blast and a half!

juC ordered our food while I hi-jacked a table and waited with luC and jC.  jC waited by the counter with cC.  Waiting at that table with them for our food to come while in an overly crowded restaurant was akin to torture.

We waited.

  Then juC and cC joined us at the table.  And we waited some more.

 Then we waited some more.  If only that little thingy would buzz!!

 And finally!  Our food was ready!!  I won't deny, when I first saw what kind of fries they had, I wasn't thrilled.  But I dare say they are the best fries I've had in a long while.  The shake was delicious.  The burger was unfortunately quite salty.  But the bun was really good!

We survived our Shake Shack experience.  My biggest complaint:  The shake wasn't nearly large enough for this here pregnant woman!

After the Shack, we headed for the monuments.  The downside of waiting until cC's nap was over to go on our adventure was the later hour it put us there.  It cooled down a bit, but it was still super nice compared to normal.  First we walked through the Roosevelt Memorial.  It should be noted that a visit to the Roosevelt Memorial was part of a date that juC and I went on that he claims to be one of his favorite dates of all time.  So why, pray tell, did he not remember where it was that we sat gazing into each others eyes??  Just food for thought.

We then walked over to the Jefferson Memorial.  I have to say that the walk around the Tidal Basin from the Roosevelt to Jefferson Memorial is one of the best!  (Note how amazing my kids are at posing for pictures.)

 I also have to say that one of the highlights of the evening was seeing sign after sign on all of the stairs at the Jefferson Memorial saying to use caution because it was slippery, then seeing a teenage girl make a run for it to go to a friend and gracefully fall on her bum.  Don't judge me...she was fine!  And like I said, it was totally graceful.

AND, I ALSO have to say that I'm glad there are pictures of me.  For no other reason then the whole time I couldn't figure out why in the heck my coat was bunched up at the top on one side.  I knew it fit a little differently due to my enlarging stomach, but it was just annoying.  If it weren't for the pictures of me, I never would have realized the next day it was because I had it buttoned ALL WRONG!!  (note in the picture that the left side of my coat is higher than the right.)

 And the final highlight of the night--
Getting to remind juC that I'M NOT HIS MOM!!  He couldn't figure out why I didn't bring him a coat.  Clearly he forgets that even though I am *a mom*, I am not *his mom*.

Although it was a bit chaotic, and my kids listened and followed directions about 0.04% of the time, causing me a lot of frustration, it was fun.  I always forget how lucky we are to live in a place with so many awesome restaurants to try AND amazing monuments and memorials to visit.

We're Having Another Baby!

In case you missed it (how could you have missed it?)  the C Clan is having another baby.  Yes, ANOTHER baby.  (Believe it or not, there are people out there that have more children than us.  WAY more children than us.  Stop acting so surprised by us having our 4th.)

It's funny.  I hate making lists...like, to do lists.  HATE it.  If I had to choose between making a to-do list and digging a 4x4 foot deep hole with a kitchen spoon, I'd choose the latter.  But for some reason, when it comes to blogging, I'm all about the lists.  Which is something you've probably realized if you've read more than a few of my blog posts.

So of course, I have to make a list, for you, about why we are having another baby.  Not that I really think I owe an explanation.  But hey,  if it helps, why not.

--I gave our first reason on facebook, when announcing our pregnancy.  And I quote, "So here's the thing. I personally think it is important for all of the really good parents in the world that raise smart, nice, well behaved children to have lots of children so as to populate the world with. Conversely, I think it is equally important for all of the inadequate parents in the world that raise sassy, ill-behaved children to have lots of children to even things out. Which is why we are having another baby. Coming to even things out sometime around August."

--I love changing diapers!  Love it, love it, love it.  The more, the merrier.  It's right up there on my list of loves next to making to-do lists.

--juC looks super cute holding a newborn baby.  (And changing their diapers, when he begs me to let him have a turn.)

--When we moved into our house, I did pretty well get unpacked in an appropriate amount of time.  However, it wasn't very organized.  I had cC, at home, a little over a year after we moved into our house.  Those few months leading up to his birth, I was a machine.  I got the house cleaned and organized like never before.  It was awesome.  Then cC was born and it took approximately 3 days 14 hours and 27 minutes for all of the cleaning and organization I did to come undone and only decline since then.  Soooo, have another baby at home = motivation and energy to get the house cleaned and organized to the max.  It's a win-win.  Cute newborn baby AND an organized house.  (Even if it doesn't last very long.)

--Newborn babies smell like heaven. 

--little jC started asking for another baby when cC was like, a week old.  And I give my children everything they want, soooo...

--I wouldn't have said this when I was pregnant with little jC, but I LOVED my pregnancies with luC and cC.  No joke.  I was miserable with jC.  MISERABLE.  And I fear that this pregnancy will have the same outcome.  BUT, I really appreciated the next two pregnancies.  Feeling a growing baby inside of me...that is an amazing, AMAZING experience.  It is something I will forever, and ever be grateful I have been able to experience, and I am thankful for the opportunity to experience it again.  Being able to experience a tiny, growing babies movements is definitely a on the top of my list of why we are having another.  It's truly a huge blessing.

--juC and I love sleep deprivation.  There is nothing like being awake 27 times a night with a newborn baby.  Bring it on!

--Babies are just cute.  Even ugly ones.  How could we not want to stare at another one for hours on end?  Their tiny fingers, and tiny noses, and tiny lips, and tiny feet.  Oh my goodness!! 

--I touched on it already, but seriously, babies are such an amazing blessing.  How could we not want to take advantage of the blessings that we have been given?  People say we are crazy and that's fine (I guess).  Having children is definitely seen as a sacrifice by many, but we are willing to sacrifice for these amazing little humans that our Heavenly Father has so graciously blessed us with.    Although I'm not always as grateful as I should be, and don't always appreciate my children to their fullest, I love them more than I ever knew I could.  There was no denying it was time for another, and we are unbelievably grateful for the opportunity to have another sweet spirit join our family.

**It should be noted that having children has made me appreciate so much the struggle that others have in being able to have children.  Having children made me realize what an amazing miracle it is that not everyone gets to experience, and for those of you that have struggled or are struggling, my heart truly goes out to you!  And I know that you will be blessed beyond measure for your struggle.

Living Life With Purpose

You guys!  The other night, I was looking for a specific picture.  I could remember posting this picture on my other blog (the private one that only important people were invited to read).  I couldn't find it with all my pictures so I set off to find it on the other blog, and I ended up taking a lovely, emotional stroll down memory lane.  Back when my kids were wittle, and sweet, and cute, and frustrating.  Oh wait, they're still at that stage, huh?
As I read through these posts filled with pictures of my kids and silly stories, I couldn't help but fall even more in love with them.  And I couldn't help being reminded of the struggles I had during my first couple of years of parenting, and the struggles (STRUGGLES!!!!) I had adjusting to 2 kids.  It was hard!  (It's soooo easy now, though!)(By easy I mean, so completely hard for different reasons and I know that will keep happening as they keep growing.)
Also, as I read through these posts, I was so thankful for them because I have been horrible...HORRIBLE at keeping a journal since becoming a mother.  If it weren't for those posts, I'd have nothing to look back on but 3.5 million pictures, with no stories to fill in the gaps.  And I thought...I need to blog!  Truly, I NEED to.  Blogging is what got me through things.  It's what helped me add a twist of humor to the struggles I had.  I may not be good at much.  And what I'm good at may not be that good.  But I do feel like I'm relatively good at writing and it helps me focus.  It helps me express my thoughts, and come to conclusions, and focus on humor.

The last couple of days, I've been thinking about my kids, and their purpose in life.  I swear, there are some things that they do that I'm convinced someone sat down with them before they were born and said "Your purpose in life is to ______."  And they were given a specific list, and they are determined to do it, and take it very seriously!

jC's Purposes in Life
-His single most important purposes in life are to dance and to play tickle monster.  Everything else are things he just feels obligated to fulfill, but if given the chance, he'd do nothing but dance and play tickle monster all the day long!
-Second, though, is to ask for things to have or do that he knows we will say no to, just so he has a reason to whine.  I swear he does it on purpose.
-Oh wait, I just thought of another thing that should be among the most important in his purposes with dancing and tickle monster.  If he could do those two things, while simultaneously lying under a soft fuzzy blanket in nothing but his underwear, he'd be ALL about it!  He loves, LOVES him some soft blankets.  And the joy of a soft, fuzzy blanket with no clothes to stand between the two of them is pure joy.
-Less important on the list of his purposes is his need to stay up late, no matter how tired he may be.
-His purpose in life is to also be very sensitive to the feelings of others.  (well, he often takes exception to his siblings when he is choosing to be mean to them.)  But if someone is hurt, he hurts.  If someone is sad, he's sad.  He wants them to be better...ASAP.

luC's Purposes in Life
-For a while there I was convinced that luC's only purpose in life was to scream...about everything!  Not a baby screaming, but a toddler, who just likes to scream, if any possible reason is given (or no possible reason is given) to scream.  I have since learned that she does have other purposes.  It's just hard to see them some times, due to all the screaming.
-luC's purpose in life is to tell me she loves me, daily, multiple times.  When I'm saying multiple times, I don't mean 4 or 5 or even 6 or 10.  I mean 239 times.
-Her purpose in life is to do what others do.  If she sees jC doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  If she sees cC doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  If she says anyone in her radar doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  Luckily (so very luckily) this does not include having meltdowns and freak outs.  Not that she doesn't do those things, but when others do it, she doesn't let it influence her.
-Her other purpose in life is to be the wiggliest human being on the face of the planet when she's sitting in your lap.  She fulfills this purpose to perfection.  And since she loves to sit in laps, she has many opportunities to fulfill and continue to perfection this purpose in life.
-And last, but not least is her hugging.  She hugs like there is no tomorrow and they just might be the best hugs I've ever experienced.  The hugging coupled with the almost constant declarations of love are probably the only things that get me through some days.

cC's Purposes in Life
-cC is just a little guy, but he has some very clear purposes in his life.  #1 on the list, the very top, very most important purpose in his life is to pull luC's hair.  And pull it.  And pull it.  And pull it some more.  Which totally helps luC fulfill her purpose of screaming.  So they were clearly meant to be siblings. Oh, the joy he finds in pulling her hair.  Oh, the determination.
-cC has done really well in his purpose of staying bald.  All of my babies came out baldies.  But cC...well he has gone the extra mile.  By this age, jC and luC had hair.  cC?  He's going for a record.
-cC also was apparently told to be the funniest kid around.  I don't know how kids his age can have such a sense of humor, but he's got one.
-There's this one purpose in life he has that's really throwing me off.  And that is having a pacifier in his mouth at all times.  Now, you may be thinking this is totally normal for a kid his age, but jC and luC were well before 1 when we removed theirs from their mouth never to return it again.  cC, though, he is addicted.  Addicted, I tell you!
-Last on his list, but certainly not least is fulfilling his experiment to see how much he can get by using no words at all, but simply grunting and yelling.  I fear he is being so successful in his purpose that he will never have the desire to get what he wants by any other means.

Now if only I could figure out my purpose in life, we'd be good to go.

Fall Rambling

I love Halloween and fall.

Perhaps it's because fall means pumpkin and I love pumpkin.  Pumpkin patches, pumpkins on the porch, pumpkin in every bit of food I eat.

Perhaps it's because fall means brightly colored leaves on trees and I want to take a picture of every tree I see.

Perhaps it was because it was a Halloween barn dance that juC and I shared our first dance together.

Perhaps it's because it was in the midst of Halloween and fall that Jud and I had our first date.

And having children has only intensified my love of fall and Halloween.  I love having photo shoots with my kids in their costumes. I have looked at the above picture about 1,293 times since Halloween because I feel like it's the perfect depiction of everything I love about Halloween.  My kids in their costumes.  Each holding their buckets for collecting candy.  Holding hands (even if it was only for 5 seconds) as they walked down the beautiful fall tree lined street.  It's another one of those images I wanted seared into my memory.

I have this terrible...habit. (Is it a habit?  A curse?  A blessing?  To be honest, I don't know what it is.  And I don't know if it's me, or something more powerful than me that causes it)  There are certain times that triggers something in my head where I have visions into the future.

I'll give you an example.

A few weeks ago luC went upstairs to get something while I stood at the bottom of the stairs and waited for her.  Because she is still so tiny, walking down the stairs takes her a great deal of effort.  Add the that the fact that she was carrying something down with her, she had to walk down slowly, carefully, and resting her hand on the wall as she walked down.  As she was walking down in that particular way, an image flashed in my head of her 15 years from now, walking down the stairs ever so carefully in a prom dress as I waited at the bottom of the stairs for her.

The picture above causes me to have the same kind of flash into the future of my children.  When I look at that picture I see jC and luC several years from now, walking together, talking each others ears off, and being great friends.  But I picture them being too cool to dress up for Halloween.  I picture them at a time in their lives when they no longer let me pick out their costumes and are too old to let me have photo shoots with them.  Ok, so a part of me pictures them being bratty teenagers who want nothing to do with me more often than not.

I don't know if those visions will come true, but  for that reason I love fall and Halloween even more right now.  I love taking them to the pumpkin patch and watching them pick out their pumpkins.  I love that they let me pick out their costumes and are excited to dress up.  I love seeing the excitement on their face when they realize how much candy they are getting from neighbors.  I love the joy they get each time they eat more of their treasured candy.  I love it, I love it, I love it.  And I will forever be grateful for this time of year and for these memories.  And I will hold on to these memories like my life depends on it.

Memories

Last week, after jC got home from school, he and luC sat down to watch a show.  Baby cC came up and started pulling on luC's feet and she called out to me that he was getting her.  jC sweetly said "you can put them on me so he can't get you."

Since jC started kindergarten, they pretty much fight nonstop after he gets home from school.  (Particularly about luC sitting too close in proximity to him while they watch a show) So when this scene went down, there was a glimmer of hope that they won't be mortal enemies forever.

There are a whole slew of occurrences like this that I'm so scared I'm going to forget but want to always remember.  I have been absolutely horrible at keeping a journal, which makes me so sad.

Like a few weeks ago when jC and luC were going up the stairs and jC said "I'm going to win!" (because he always has to win) and luC sweetly and innocently said "I'm going to lose." (because for the most part, what does she care?)

Or last week when luC found one of those neck support things for when people travel and thought it was a boppy.  She put it around her and said she was going to feed cC.  Then proceeded to pull up her shirt as he sat in the exersaucer and he tried to grab her.

Then there was about a month ago when I was on a walk with luC and cC.  It's funny because luC has no interest in cars.  Because...she's a 2 year old girl and all.  But she is always noticing jeeps.  (Yeah!)  So there was a jeep that she saw out on our walk that prompted a conversation about her wanting a jeep and that's what she's going to drive when she's a big girl.  Something about having that conversation with a 2 year old was funny and made me proud.

And one of my favorites is when I'm in another room doing something and cC starts crying and jC says "cC is crying and luC didn't do anything!"  Because we all know if cC is crying, it's probably because luC is torturing him!

And last week I got jC his pouch apple sauce to put into his lunch box.  I showed him that these ones had new helicopter looking tops to make for easier opening for younger kids.  He was asking all about it and said "Who came to put the new tops on?"  I love the way their little minds work.

Or the way luC calls high chairs "hiding chairs".
Or the way jC calls Chuck-e-Cheese "Chuck-e-cheezits" and McDonald's "Old McDonald's".
Or the way jC and luC both say "smarshmellows".

Seriously, I don't want to forget ANYTHING!  Ok, maybe I do want to forget some of it.  But for the love of Pete, I really need to do better about documenting!!  It already makes me sad to think about all of the little things I'm going to forget

But going back to my first story and mentioning my kids constant fighting about sitting too close to each other.  What is with that?!  We seriously have a very large couch that could seat 7 people comfortably, but my 2 small children can't make it work?  And we have a very large floor area, and my kids both want to sit in the same spot on the floor and have a huge fight about it?  I swear, it's a conspiracy!

Esther 12:27

One of the biggest sources The biggest source of guilt that I feel in my every day life is in my lack of abilities as a mother.  Specifically my biggest weakness...my lack of patience which usually quickly escalates to a raised voice or yelling.  Every time I yell at one of my children I immediately feel guilty.  Every time I read things from other people who talk about their imperfections as a parent, but then say things like "But at least I don't yell at my kids", I feel guilty.  I read those things, or read uplifting posts from other moms who have "figured it out" and I vow to myself to do better.

But the reality is, the next day luC stands by the toilet and pees on the floor.  And then she body slams cC because he has a toy she wants.  And jC freaks out because he can't have what he wants right when he wants it.  And he hits luC for the pure joy of it.  The new day and new start I was looking forward to is just a brand new day of the reality that I am impatient and my kids are kids.

Yesterday, as I sat on the couch and juC was down in the basement with the kids, little jC came upstairs.  He was smiling and happy and he kept hugging me and giving me kisses.  He grabbed on to my hand, and gently shaking his head with exclamation, he whispered "I really love you."  My heart melted and broke at the precise moment he said it.

Then later in the day, luC came and sat on me while I was watching General Conference.  Similar to my experience with jC in the morning, she repeatedly hugged me and kissed me, and kept sweetly saying "I love you."  Similarly, my heart melted and broke at the same time.

My kids are kids.  They are pure.  They are sweet.  They are easy to forgive and usually easy to forget.  But I know it won't always be that way.  As they showed so much natural affection to me it made me thankful that apparently I'm doing at least part of my job right.  It made me glad that in spite of my failings, they can still find it in their heart to love me and appreciate me.  But it made my heart break because I know that in the not distant future, they will grow up.  And when they grow up, they won't so easily forgive my shortcomings.  They won't so easily look past my lack of patience.  They won't be so willing to show me love when I'm so willing to show them anger.

With all of my heart I want to do better.  I want to be the mom they deserve and need.  I'm trying with all of my might to be patient and loving even when they push me to my absolute limit.  I don't know if I will ever perfect my impatience.  But I hope with everything in me that I can overcome what I consider to be a huge trial before they are old enough to lose their patience with me and realize that maybe I don't deserve their unconditional love.  I will strive each day to do a little bit better than I did the day before in the hopes that one day I will get it right.  And I will find a little bit of comfort in the fact that even though I may not be doing it right, I am at least trying.

Numbers, Numbers, Numbers

Little jC is a numbers man.  Some people say that all kids his age are interested in numbers, but homeboy is obsessed.  Numbers on calendars, a clock, addresses, ages, phone numbers, speed limits.  If there is a number involved, he wants to know about it.  And having numbers for street names in Utah instead of word names was the most amazing thing.  My favorite question of our trip out there was when we were on the interstate and he asked "What does "9,000 so" mean?"  (9000 South)

So yesterday when he was sitting at the table saying he was working, it wasn't too big of a shock to find out he was making his own calendar.

But there is a strong possibility that I had one of those proud mommy moments that you sometimes get.

He also likes words.  After he learned the alphabet he became obsessed with what sounds each letter made.  And he always wanted to know what letter words started with.  It was great but could be tricky to have a conversation when he kept stopping to say "What letter does table start with?"  But then again, it was fine, since most of our conversations consisted of questions like "What sound does 'n' make?"  I have to admit I'm glad he's well past that phase, and now it's fun to see him writing things.  When he was working yesterday he kept saying something about "jud dot com".  It wasn't until I was checking out his calendar that I found this.

Realizing that he thinks it's "duc com" makes me giggle.

My hope with his number and letter writing skills is that he will soon be able to work out a budget for us and help us stick to it.