as you may know, i'm on a quest for ultimate hip-ness. which explains why i joined a gym. cause all the hip kids are doing it. but to reach ultimate hip-ness i had to go a step further, and hire a personal trainer. and by "hire a personal trainer" i mean "personal trainer sessions are free for the month of may." so my friend and i set up a session for tonight at 8 pm. one problem. one very serious problem. one horrible mistake made by me.
tonight...at 8 pm....is the season premier....of the best-show-ever! (and i dont get dvr until next week!)
take a lot back at last seasons sneak peak to remember some of the grea times.
i can't believe i'm going to miss it. being hip is hard
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
when spotaneity meets unpreparedness
all last week i knew that the battery on my camera was low. but i kept procrastinating charging the battery. you know...because plugging the battery into the charger then plugging the charger into the wall takes a whole lot of effort and time that i'm clearly too busy for.
which ended in regret when saturday juC took us for a random drive and we ended up at the national cathedral. i'd never been there before and i couldn't believe how big it is! and i was glad that my camera was still working...for the time being.
and i couldn't believe it when we went inside and the worker dude was all "there is a wedding in progress right now so.." (i think he's going to say we cant go in the chapel, but much to my surprise he said...) "so you have to go through the side door and you aren't allowed to take pictures."
it was so fun watching some random person get married along with the 100 other strangers that were standing in the back with us. the size of the chapel (is that what they call it?) was INSANE!
we also went up to the top floor, where it was pointed out that we could see the washington d.c. temple in the distance. my camera was still working so i took some pictures of it. see it?
yeah, i didnt either at first. but here it's circled. see?
yeah, me either.
after walking around a little more we went back outside, and were scouting out a place i could set my camera to take a picture of the family with the cathedral in the background. that's when regret set in. as i set the timer, we posed for a picture, it took this....
and then the battery died.sweet.
Friday, May 22, 2009
@ my b.c.
last night i attended my very first ever book club meeting. it was actually a first for the 7 of us that were there for our newly formed group. i felt hip. i felt with it. i felt in with the in crowd.
so what if we only spent at the most 45 minutes discussing the book, then a few hours telling stories that were t.m.i. (too much information) that's the best part about it.
now, back to the book.
a girl named zippy is the story of a girl growing up in the small town of mooreland, indiana. as i mentioned before i was hooked with in the first 10 pages. the book made me cry in the beginning, and i was laughing a lot through out the rest. i love that it's written in the voice of a young child. nothing beats the observations and exaggerations of a child! and because i know i can't do it any justice, here is an excerpt from a chapter called 'hair':
"Somehow my first wig and my first really excellent pair of slippers arrived simultaneously.
Now my hair, my actual human hair which grows out of my head, was slow in coming. I was bald until I was nearly three. My head was also strangely crooked, and it happened that the little patches of wispy bird hair I did have grew only in the dents. Also my eyes were excessively large and decidedly close together. When my mother first saw me in the hospital she looked up with tears in her eyes and said to my father, "I'll love her and protect her anyway."
When my hair finally did come in, when I was three, it did so with a vengeance: thick and sprouty and curly. And not those lovely loopy curls only ungrateful men get; it was more like fourteen thousand cowlicks. In fact, left to its own devices, my head looks like a big hair alarm going off.
We tried a variety of hairstyles in those early years. The really short haircut (the Pixie, as it was then called) was my favorite, and coincidentally, the most hideous. Many large, predatory birds believed I was asking for a date. I especially liked that style because I imagined it excused me from any form of personal hygiene, which I detested. I was so opposed to bathing that I used to have a little laughing reaction every time a certain man in town walked by and said hello to me and I had to respond with "Hi, Gene."
After a year as a Pixie, my sister decided what my hair needed was "weight." Melinda executed all the haircutting ideas in our house and, in fact, cut off the tip of my earlobe one summer afternoon because she was distracted by As the World Turns.
The weight we added to my hair made me look like a fuzzy bush, a bush gone vague. I decided to take the scissors to it myself, and had just gotten started when my dad brought home my new wig, which he had won in a card game. I can imagine that some eight-year-olds would see an implied message in the gift of a wig; all I saw was hair, long and straight and mahogany colored, like the tail of a horse. It wasn't actually a wig--it was called a "fall," and it attached to the middle of my head by a comb, and then fell down my back.
Now because it was a fall and not a wig, there was a problem with all that front part, like the bang part, and those side areas that swooped up into little points, but I decided to take what I could get. I had never before shown any interest in my physical self--my sister swore I had no pride--so when I asked her for bobby pins to help hold my new hair on, she gave them to me without so much as a snicker.
I was admiring myself in the bathroom mirror when Melinda came in and asked me, a bit sheepishly, if I wanted her old house slippers. She had outgrown them, and had never really liked them anyway. I turned and looked at her suspiciously, thinking this was surely a trap, but she was genuine.
I wore my new hair into her bedroom. Her room was painted the color of the best sky, and next to her bed she had a wicker chair and on the chair was a homemade, stuffed clown. It was a very benevolent-looking thing, but once when she was away at a friend's house I snuck into her bed and it began talking to me in the dark, so I kept a wide berth.
Without ceremony, she gave me the slippers. They were made of the most fabulous, long, fake fur, and when worn, made the human foot look like a pink, oval biscuit. The fur kind of sprouted up off the top of the slippers and hung down to the floor. They made a delicious little snicking sound as I walked, too. I remember no house slippers before or after this pair.
Yes, I had beautiful long hair, and yes, I had beautiful slippers, but I was still myself, and there was only one thing I could think to do to keep from bursting. I decided to go play rodeo on my bicycle with the purple banana seat and the sissy bars. It was my stallion, and we had been down a dusty road or two. As I climbed on and started speeding down the street, I could feel my sister's newfound respect fading like an old star, but I couldn't stop. I turned the corner of Charles and Jefferson as if nothing could touch me--I rode faster and faster. As I rode past the Kizers' house, where all the mangy foster children lived, one of them shouted, "Nice wig!" And I yelled back, my face bent close to the handlebars, "It's my real hair!" And then another block up, Ruth Kennedy shouted did I know I was wearing my slippers, and I yelled, "They're my actual feet!" And it was a long time before I went back home."
now go out and get yourself a girl named zippy, and read it, then start a book club, and have them read it, and then talk about it...so you can be just as hip as i am.
so what if we only spent at the most 45 minutes discussing the book, then a few hours telling stories that were t.m.i. (too much information) that's the best part about it.
now, back to the book.
a girl named zippy is the story of a girl growing up in the small town of mooreland, indiana. as i mentioned before i was hooked with in the first 10 pages. the book made me cry in the beginning, and i was laughing a lot through out the rest. i love that it's written in the voice of a young child. nothing beats the observations and exaggerations of a child! and because i know i can't do it any justice, here is an excerpt from a chapter called 'hair':"Somehow my first wig and my first really excellent pair of slippers arrived simultaneously.
Now my hair, my actual human hair which grows out of my head, was slow in coming. I was bald until I was nearly three. My head was also strangely crooked, and it happened that the little patches of wispy bird hair I did have grew only in the dents. Also my eyes were excessively large and decidedly close together. When my mother first saw me in the hospital she looked up with tears in her eyes and said to my father, "I'll love her and protect her anyway."
When my hair finally did come in, when I was three, it did so with a vengeance: thick and sprouty and curly. And not those lovely loopy curls only ungrateful men get; it was more like fourteen thousand cowlicks. In fact, left to its own devices, my head looks like a big hair alarm going off.
We tried a variety of hairstyles in those early years. The really short haircut (the Pixie, as it was then called) was my favorite, and coincidentally, the most hideous. Many large, predatory birds believed I was asking for a date. I especially liked that style because I imagined it excused me from any form of personal hygiene, which I detested. I was so opposed to bathing that I used to have a little laughing reaction every time a certain man in town walked by and said hello to me and I had to respond with "Hi, Gene."
After a year as a Pixie, my sister decided what my hair needed was "weight." Melinda executed all the haircutting ideas in our house and, in fact, cut off the tip of my earlobe one summer afternoon because she was distracted by As the World Turns.
The weight we added to my hair made me look like a fuzzy bush, a bush gone vague. I decided to take the scissors to it myself, and had just gotten started when my dad brought home my new wig, which he had won in a card game. I can imagine that some eight-year-olds would see an implied message in the gift of a wig; all I saw was hair, long and straight and mahogany colored, like the tail of a horse. It wasn't actually a wig--it was called a "fall," and it attached to the middle of my head by a comb, and then fell down my back.
Now because it was a fall and not a wig, there was a problem with all that front part, like the bang part, and those side areas that swooped up into little points, but I decided to take what I could get. I had never before shown any interest in my physical self--my sister swore I had no pride--so when I asked her for bobby pins to help hold my new hair on, she gave them to me without so much as a snicker.
I was admiring myself in the bathroom mirror when Melinda came in and asked me, a bit sheepishly, if I wanted her old house slippers. She had outgrown them, and had never really liked them anyway. I turned and looked at her suspiciously, thinking this was surely a trap, but she was genuine.
I wore my new hair into her bedroom. Her room was painted the color of the best sky, and next to her bed she had a wicker chair and on the chair was a homemade, stuffed clown. It was a very benevolent-looking thing, but once when she was away at a friend's house I snuck into her bed and it began talking to me in the dark, so I kept a wide berth.
Without ceremony, she gave me the slippers. They were made of the most fabulous, long, fake fur, and when worn, made the human foot look like a pink, oval biscuit. The fur kind of sprouted up off the top of the slippers and hung down to the floor. They made a delicious little snicking sound as I walked, too. I remember no house slippers before or after this pair.
Yes, I had beautiful long hair, and yes, I had beautiful slippers, but I was still myself, and there was only one thing I could think to do to keep from bursting. I decided to go play rodeo on my bicycle with the purple banana seat and the sissy bars. It was my stallion, and we had been down a dusty road or two. As I climbed on and started speeding down the street, I could feel my sister's newfound respect fading like an old star, but I couldn't stop. I turned the corner of Charles and Jefferson as if nothing could touch me--I rode faster and faster. As I rode past the Kizers' house, where all the mangy foster children lived, one of them shouted, "Nice wig!" And I yelled back, my face bent close to the handlebars, "It's my real hair!" And then another block up, Ruth Kennedy shouted did I know I was wearing my slippers, and I yelled, "They're my actual feet!" And it was a long time before I went back home."
now go out and get yourself a girl named zippy, and read it, then start a book club, and have them read it, and then talk about it...so you can be just as hip as i am.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
to give or not to give
i love to give. really, i do. i love when someone i know has a birthday because it gives me an excuse to give them something. not because i expect something from them in return later on, but because it truly makes me feel good. i love Christmas not because of getting gifts but because i enjoy getting things for people and hoping that it makes them happy to receive it. i even like to celebrate half birthdays because it gives me an extra excuse for giving. and a joy of blogging is having giveaways to allow me to give people something just for fun.
so last night, as i sat on the couch, enjoying my new hobby of crocheting (see below picture of my first/current throw/blanket project) i thought "i should have a giveaway and let someone win a crocheted something from me."
i thought about how fun it would be to let the person pick their own colors and what they wanted. a baby blanket. a throw. a somewhat small yet very useful blanket. a scarf.
and then i thought what if no one enters? what if everyone thinks my crocheting is lame? and then i thought maybe it was a completely crazy idea.
and then i thought maybe i should just ask the people what they think.
so....what do you think?
Friday, May 15, 2009
busy bee
there are a few things that have begun to occupy my time these days.
and the other time occupier as of today is a book. yes, after a very long book sabbatical, i'm reading "a girl named zippy". only because someone actually thought i was cool enough to invite me to join their newly formed book club.
i'm only on page 20 and i'm hooked! truth be told i was hooked by page 7.
something that's been occupying my time that i still can't believe is the gym.
never did i want to join a gym. never. in fact when people talked about joining a gym, or their gym membership, i'd say never. but then i had a baby. and i needed the gym. not just for my body, but for my sanity. and i'm not going to lie to you, i'm glad i did. and once again i've learned to "never say never."
and the last but most definitely not least occupier of my time (aside from the obvious laundry, cleaning*, beautifying of self) is of course my dear sweet husband.
*even though my house isn't technically "clean" i do clean on occasion.
there is of course the obvious, that occupies a good majority of my time. 
whoever thinks that being a stay at home mom is easy has obviously never been a stay at home mom.
whoever thinks that being a stay at home mom is easy has obviously never been a stay at home mom.the next thing that's been occupying a lot of my time is my new hobby.
my friend megan taught me how to crochet. a craft i never expected to take up. it's addicting. and my plan is to make a throw to spice up our living room with some color. unfortunately i did a couple of rows before realizing i was making a mistake. luckily i dont plan on entering it into any crocheting competitions, nor do i plan on having a master crochet-er inspect it, so it's going to stay as is.
my friend megan taught me how to crochet. a craft i never expected to take up. it's addicting. and my plan is to make a throw to spice up our living room with some color. unfortunately i did a couple of rows before realizing i was making a mistake. luckily i dont plan on entering it into any crocheting competitions, nor do i plan on having a master crochet-er inspect it, so it's going to stay as is.and the other time occupier as of today is a book. yes, after a very long book sabbatical, i'm reading "a girl named zippy". only because someone actually thought i was cool enough to invite me to join their newly formed book club.
i'm only on page 20 and i'm hooked! truth be told i was hooked by page 7.
something that's been occupying my time that i still can't believe is the gym.
never did i want to join a gym. never. in fact when people talked about joining a gym, or their gym membership, i'd say never. but then i had a baby. and i needed the gym. not just for my body, but for my sanity. and i'm not going to lie to you, i'm glad i did. and once again i've learned to "never say never."and the last but most definitely not least occupier of my time (aside from the obvious laundry, cleaning*, beautifying of self) is of course my dear sweet husband.
(too lazy to flip picture)
when i think back to all of the guys i dated, i think about how lucky i am that he's the one that i married! he makes things fun. he makes things entertaining. (except when he treats me like he's my older brother) he treats me so well and when he occupies my time he does his best to make it fun for the both of us.
the end-ish.*even though my house isn't technically "clean" i do clean on occasion.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
tell your aunt louise, tell anyone you please
(to hear more about juC's birthday adventures, click HERE)
time: 6 a.m.
place: little jC's bedroom
setting: his early morning feeding so that he'll sleep until 8
music: my achy breaky heart by billy ray
wait...what?? why am i sitting there at 6 in the morning with "don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart, i just don't think he'd understand." running through my head?
i seriusly want to know.
time: 6 a.m.
place: little jC's bedroom
setting: his early morning feeding so that he'll sleep until 8
music: my achy breaky heart by billy ray
wait...what?? why am i sitting there at 6 in the morning with "don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart, i just don't think he'd understand." running through my head?
i seriusly want to know.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
its the little things
anyone who knows my husband knows that he doesn't like being the center of attention. and by that i mean, he likes it, but is really good at acting like he doesn't. and he's so genuine about acting like he doesn't like it that his face turns really red, and he doesn't know what to say. i love it.
so imagine my joy and his horror when we went down to s.c. for the weekend, and went out to eat with my family friday night at his favorite joint, and there was a balloon artist there. imagine my joy and his horror when we saw said balloon artist with a teenage girl, making her a HUGE birthday balloon hat, then taking her around the place telling everyone "it's her birthday!" and imagine my joy and his horror when said balloon artist came into the room where our reserved table was and (i) saw my dad slipping him some cash monies. imagine my joy and his horror when after making balloon animals for my nieces and nephews we heard said balloon artist say "so i hear it's your birthday..." to juC.
after he got his special birthday balloon hat, he was taken around the place, as the man informed everyone that it was his birthday.
i know he loved every minute of it.
so imagine my joy and his horror when we went down to s.c. for the weekend, and went out to eat with my family friday night at his favorite joint, and there was a balloon artist there. imagine my joy and his horror when we saw said balloon artist with a teenage girl, making her a HUGE birthday balloon hat, then taking her around the place telling everyone "it's her birthday!" and imagine my joy and his horror when said balloon artist came into the room where our reserved table was and (i) saw my dad slipping him some cash monies. imagine my joy and his horror when after making balloon animals for my nieces and nephews we heard said balloon artist say "so i hear it's your birthday..." to juC.
after he got his special birthday balloon hat, he was taken around the place, as the man informed everyone that it was his birthday.i know he loved every minute of it. and so did i!
Friday, May 8, 2009
love letter
dear hot guy with beard,
i just want you to know, on this day of your birth celebration, that i love you dearly. and i hope this day of your birth celebration was a good one. which, we went and ate at dukes, the best bbq EVER, so it had to be. not to mention the special birthday balloon hat the guy made for you there. i'll post pictures of those soon!
i love you oh so much! you're a great husband. even if you do think you can start limiting me on what i can blog about. happy birthday!
love,
me
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
my everything
as i mentioned in my cincoversary post, things have been crazy busy for a week now. last wednesday my friend megan and i packed up our babies in her car and headed down to n.c. to visit her grandma. we had a fabulous time shopping for pottery, visiting an old covered bridge, antiquing. and not to mention megan teaching me how to crochet. that's right people, i'm trying to learn how to be crafty. 
and guess who we ran into while we were down there....
and guess who we ran into while we were down there....my mom!! so we picked her up and brought her up here to va. and on our way bringing her up to va, we had a happy accident and ran into a sonic. actually, we ran into two, but megan and my mom would only let me stop at the one.
my mom and i have been running around doing all sorts of things! on monday we went to gettysburg. yesterday, for my cincoversary we went to harpers ferry. nothing says romance like sending your husband off to work then going to a historic site with your mom and baby.
when juC got home from work, it was really awkward because we found out we got eachother the same thing to celebrate.
flowers.
he got me these:
and i got him these:
so awkward. except not. because i got him a flower on this:
isn't that the coolest bonsai ever?! juC has been saying he wants a bonsai tree for a really long time now. so i figured our 2 year anniversary was the perfect time to get him a looooove bonsai!
look at those cute itty bitty flowers. i took a picture of it by my finger to show you just how small they are.
i love our love bonsai...probably more than juC does. cause i'm more girly than he is.
and i got him these:so awkward. except not. because i got him a flower on this:isn't that the coolest bonsai ever?! juC has been saying he wants a bonsai tree for a really long time now. so i figured our 2 year anniversary was the perfect time to get him a looooove bonsai!
look at those cute itty bitty flowers. i took a picture of it by my finger to show you just how small they are.
i love our love bonsai...probably more than juC does. cause i'm more girly than he is.after we exchanged our flowers, and he told me that he hadn't got an anniversary gift for me yet, we posed for a picture...
then we went to the japanese steak house for dinner. ohhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhh! and oh so delicious! at dinner, juC informed me of what he'd be getting me for our anniversary. a gps system. how sweet! no really, it is. because in the last several weeks i've had to call him a lot for him to give me directions! i was reminded again of how thoughtful he is. (except....you'll have to wait and see what happens)
then we went to the japanese steak house for dinner. ohhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhh! and oh so delicious! at dinner, juC informed me of what he'd be getting me for our anniversary. a gps system. how sweet! no really, it is. because in the last several weeks i've had to call him a lot for him to give me directions! i was reminded again of how thoughtful he is. (except....you'll have to wait and see what happens)after dinner we came home and got little jC ready for bed, then we went out for dessert. it started out well. but it ended like this.
but i'm not allowed to tell you why it ended like this, because juC made me promise not to post about it on my blog. seriously, right there in friendly's after we had a conversation about something i'm not allowed to tell you, he then said "and you aren't allowed to blog about this." and i was all "oh, i'm gonna!" and he was all "no, you always post mean things about me." and i was all "nuh uh, i just post the truth. and i haven't signed a contract with you saying i wouldn't post about you." and he was all "well maybe you should right now." and i was all "whatev's!" but, i'll refrain from repeating what he had the nerve to accuse me of! i won't shed any negative light on him. no way, i won't do that!
at any rate, it ended up being a GREAT anniversary. partly because of today. ohhhhh today. ohhhh what a day.
my mom and i headed up to the ribbon outlet i'd been telling her about. while we were there we stopped at an antique shop in a place called funkstown. i kid you not.
and as we were perusing the store, my eyes came across a dresser. a dresser that is just like one my mom owns that i've been begging her for. it was beautiful. they'd refinished it. if only this store wasn't so expensive. so i walked up to it, looked at the price tag, and i couldn't believe my eyes! it was a lot less than i'd expected. i immediately grabbed my cell phone, called juC and told him that i needed a dresser for our anniversary, not a gps system.
isn't it great?!?! i love it! and love my husband for letting me get it! and i love that it cost way less than the $290 that the lady said it started out costing!
the end...of the past week of my life.
wasn't it fabulous?!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
life happens
the last several days have been busy, busy, busy.
ohhhhhhh...the memories! what a great day it was! what a great 2 years it has been!
i've been out of town and now i'm back home with a visitor. all of this busy-ness reminds me of exactly 2 years ago. it was such a busy day!
i started off the day by going and getting my hair done. it desperately needed some help.
then i went to the temple with family and friends.
after that, we took lots of family pictures and such.
when we were done with that, we went and had an amazing lunch at a place called duke's---best bbq on earth.
after lunch we had time for a short little break, only to rush to church to prep for a dance party of sorts.
and then we devoured lots of goodies and treats that my sister made.
i'm telling you people, it was a BUSY BUSY DAY.
oh, and on top of all of that busy-ness, i also got married!
ohhhhhhh...the memories! what a great day it was! what a great 2 years it has been! it hasn't been perfect but it's been great. it hasn't been easy but it's been great. i dont always get my way, but i guess it's still been great. and the best part is that for the rest of my life, cinco de mayo will be the greatest holiday ever!!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
interesting
even though my sister, LoW, hurt little jC's feelings by saying another baby boy was the cutest baby boy EVER...i'm still going to do what she did on her blog.
it's not a tag, so you can do it if you wanna. it looks fun, so here goes nothin'.
1. Go to http://www.flickr.com/
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box
3. Use only the first page
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer.
1. what is your name?
2. what is your favorite food?
3. what is your favorite color?
4. favorite drink?
5. dream vacation?
6. favorite dessert?
7. what do you want to be when you grow up?
8. what do you love most in life?
9. one word to describe you?
10. what do you dream about?
it's not a tag, so you can do it if you wanna. it looks fun, so here goes nothin'.
1. Go to http://www.flickr.com/
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box
3. Use only the first page
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer.
1. what is your name?
2. what is your favorite food?
3. what is your favorite color?
4. favorite drink?
5. dream vacation?
6. favorite dessert?
7. what do you want to be when you grow up?
8. what do you love most in life?
9. one word to describe you?
10. what do you dream about?
Monday, April 27, 2009
i'm just coun'try
when my husband, juC, said that he didn't like our kitchen painted this color of blue because it reminded him of a "country kitchen"....
...i did what any other good wife would do.
...i did what any other good wife would do. i spent time ensuring that it was, in fact, a country kitchen.
first i bought these shabby country stars.
but i didnt put them up until i found this shabby country sign.but that just wasn't enough. i needed more. and i gave myself one more opportunity to go big. i had to find some true country decor.
and so i did. 
nothing says country like authentic "chick feed", "dairy milk", and "country grill" signs.
i'm such a good wife.
Friday, April 24, 2009
the reality
i didn't mention it on here, but at the beginning of the month on my private blog i mentioned that i was taking a little break from blogging to work some things out. here is what i posted today on the blog, explaining what was going on. i wanted to post it here as well, so more people would have a chance to read it.....
i've come to accept that life is just one huge adventure.
what i had to learn is that sometimes the adventures are fun. sometimes the adventures are hard. and sometimes the adventures just feel like you are stuck in the mud with no one or nothing around to help get you out. you do have a cell phone in your pocket though. but for some reason you are too ashamed of being stuck in the mud to call someone for help.
i have been trying to think of the best way to share the adventure i was stuck in for the past several months. i think it's important to, because if it helps just one other person out, it would make it all worth it. so after thinking about it, i figured the only option really, is to just come out and say it.
postpartum depression, for me, wasn't an immediate thing. i did feel somewhat disconnected in the beginning. but it wasn't until a little later that i really started feeling that something was really wrong. i would say it was a result of hormonal imbalance plus a major lack of sleep that began to occur.
i was sad all the time. i cried a ton. i felt like i wasn't meant to be a mother. i got frustrated so easily. i did what i could to get away. and i thought things that i wouldn't want to admit.
but on the outside, to other people, i tried to be as normal as humanly possible. because i was so ashamed of myself and the way i was feeling. and because i knew all these other women who had recently had babies too and they seemed so happy. i didn't understand why they were so happy and i wasn't. and i couldn't possibly talk to them about how i was feeling because they'd think i was crazy. so i just acted like every other new mom did.in my mind i kept thinking "do i have postpartum depression?" but there was no way i could bring myself to say it out loud or talk to anyone about it because i felt like something was wrong with me.
so few times in my life have i heard others talk openly about it. which now i think is such a shame. if people were more open about it, i think that it would be easier for those who are struggling to get help, and would probably prevent a lot of unfortunate things that happen.
i think back now to all of the times i was reading my pregnancy books and articles online. every time i got to a section about postpartum depression, i'd skip right over. i'd always wanted to have children, i was so excited to meet the baby, why would i have postpartum depression?
i finally mentioned to a friend how i'd been feeling, and she asked if i thought i had postpartum depression. after hearing someone else ask me out loud i was finally able to admit it to myself and to the people around me that needed to know. i was able to talk to a good friend who also happens to be a professional when it comes to all things mental health. things started looking up.
i finally had the strength and courage to put little judson in his crib and let him "cry it out" and we have all been able to get the much needed rest that has evaded us for months and months.
i hate that for so many months i kept everything bottled up inside. it makes me sad that i didn't put confidence in the people around me. the people that ended up being so helpful and caring when i did finally tell them what was going on. they didn't judge me or think i was a bad person like i thought they would.
and now...now things are looking up. i'm actually happy. i actually feel like i will survive and that i can handle everything. and i hope that i can continue to be open about my experience so that others won't have to suffer alone like i did.
and that, my friends, is the reality. i used my cell phone, called for some help, and a whole rescue crew showed up and helped me out of the mud. i still have a bit of mud stuck to my pants, but i'll probably wear them around for a while to let people know that i'm not ashamed that i got stuck.
i've come to accept that life is just one huge adventure.
what i had to learn is that sometimes the adventures are fun. sometimes the adventures are hard. and sometimes the adventures just feel like you are stuck in the mud with no one or nothing around to help get you out. you do have a cell phone in your pocket though. but for some reason you are too ashamed of being stuck in the mud to call someone for help.
i have been trying to think of the best way to share the adventure i was stuck in for the past several months. i think it's important to, because if it helps just one other person out, it would make it all worth it. so after thinking about it, i figured the only option really, is to just come out and say it.
postpartum depression, for me, wasn't an immediate thing. i did feel somewhat disconnected in the beginning. but it wasn't until a little later that i really started feeling that something was really wrong. i would say it was a result of hormonal imbalance plus a major lack of sleep that began to occur.
i was sad all the time. i cried a ton. i felt like i wasn't meant to be a mother. i got frustrated so easily. i did what i could to get away. and i thought things that i wouldn't want to admit.
but on the outside, to other people, i tried to be as normal as humanly possible. because i was so ashamed of myself and the way i was feeling. and because i knew all these other women who had recently had babies too and they seemed so happy. i didn't understand why they were so happy and i wasn't. and i couldn't possibly talk to them about how i was feeling because they'd think i was crazy. so i just acted like every other new mom did.in my mind i kept thinking "do i have postpartum depression?" but there was no way i could bring myself to say it out loud or talk to anyone about it because i felt like something was wrong with me.
so few times in my life have i heard others talk openly about it. which now i think is such a shame. if people were more open about it, i think that it would be easier for those who are struggling to get help, and would probably prevent a lot of unfortunate things that happen.
i think back now to all of the times i was reading my pregnancy books and articles online. every time i got to a section about postpartum depression, i'd skip right over. i'd always wanted to have children, i was so excited to meet the baby, why would i have postpartum depression?
i finally mentioned to a friend how i'd been feeling, and she asked if i thought i had postpartum depression. after hearing someone else ask me out loud i was finally able to admit it to myself and to the people around me that needed to know. i was able to talk to a good friend who also happens to be a professional when it comes to all things mental health. things started looking up.
i finally had the strength and courage to put little judson in his crib and let him "cry it out" and we have all been able to get the much needed rest that has evaded us for months and months.
i hate that for so many months i kept everything bottled up inside. it makes me sad that i didn't put confidence in the people around me. the people that ended up being so helpful and caring when i did finally tell them what was going on. they didn't judge me or think i was a bad person like i thought they would.
and now...now things are looking up. i'm actually happy. i actually feel like i will survive and that i can handle everything. and i hope that i can continue to be open about my experience so that others won't have to suffer alone like i did.
and that, my friends, is the reality. i used my cell phone, called for some help, and a whole rescue crew showed up and helped me out of the mud. i still have a bit of mud stuck to my pants, but i'll probably wear them around for a while to let people know that i'm not ashamed that i got stuck.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
we have a weeeeeeeeennnner
congratulations jess! i know you'll give these magnets a happy home! to those who weren't so fortunate...keep coming back! i promise time will bring another giveaway. and who knows, maybe the magnet fairy will visit some of you anyways.Tuesday, March 31, 2009
AGAIN! AGAIN!
in an effort to be just as small portion of cool like my sister LoW, i'm doing my own little giveaway. (remember, how she's doing a giveaway?)
i'm going to giveaway....drum roll please.....
i'm going to giveaway....drum roll please.....
homemade magnets!!!
hey! i only said i'm trying to be a SMALL portion of cool. what did you expect?!?!
leave a comment to enter. if you put my button on your blog, you can enter again. if you feel the desire to post about this giveaway on your blog (haha! i'm cracking myself up here) i'll even let you enter a third time.
in a few days when i decide to pick a winner. a winner will be picked on random.org (so no trying to convince me to pick you)
p.s. there is a 100% possibility that this is what i made for my peeps for the pay it forward homemade gift from me. so if you decide you want even more, i can't stop you from entering. but if you really don't like them, then you'd probably be better off just sticking to the ones i made you.
(the magnets pictured are the exact ones you'll get, and maybe one or two more.)
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