Boy Oh Boy....Oh Boy

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.  I never, ever, ever pictured myself as a mom of 3 boys.  Just saying it makes my heart race.  For some reason, I thought 2 boys would be the max.  I'd had a feeling all along that it was another boy, which would be the first time ever that my feeling was right.  And I can't deny the fact that I was hoping for just one more girl.  But of course, all that matters to me is that we have a sweet little baby to hold in the end.  No matter what is hidden under it's diaper.

I've been thinking of the benefits of having another boy.  For starters, we have a billion boxes of boy clothes.  We are getting some really good use out of these clothes!  A large portion of the smaller sizes of clothes came from my sister.  And a good chunk of the clothes that came from my sister first came from my brother.  Which means that a lot of them had already been worn by 3 boys before they got to me.  Then my 2 boys have worn them.  Which means by the time this baby wears them, he'll be the 6th one to wear them.  So, I'd say that the money spent on the clothes was very, very well spent and put to good use!

Along with that is that we are already getting a good stock pile of Halloween costumes for the fellas!  It won't be long before we have all we need and I won't even have to buy anymore.

One of the problems of our home is that leftover food usually sits in the fridge and then gets thrown away.  It's such a waste.  With 3 boys we will no doubt not have that problem because either 1.  There won't be any leftovers from dinner or 2.  The leftovers will get eaten soon after.

Let's be honest...girls are emotional.  And I'm not trying to say that boys aren't, but we all know it's different.  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about the fact that as of right now, I'm glad that we only have 1 girl to deal with when it comes to a certain part of a girls life.  I imagine that the boys in the family will later agree that 2 of us is plenty.

One day I'm really going to enjoy sending all of the boys outside to mow the grass, trim the bushes, build things with wood and bricks, and use chainsaws...while luC and I stay inside baking cookies and brownies and eating chocolate while watching romantic comedies and follow it up by
going to the mall.

With 3 boys that will probably each be taller than me by the time they are 12 (poor luC, she's so tiny I'm not sure she has that same chance), surely I will look like a little lady with a crew of bodyguards around me.  That's always a plus!

I've always wanted to know every single detail of how Boy Scouts works.  Here's my chance!  And boys haircuts are way easier/cheaper than girls!  Buzz cuts for everyone!

Ok, so seriously, before you start judging me and thinking I'm a girl hater...I really was hoping to have one more girl.  Of course if we have another, there's still a chance.  But I have to look on the bright side now and start psyching myself out now.  Because who knows, we may have another one...and it may be another boy.  (And that's ok, too!!)

Conversations with Littles

little luC has been saying that the baby is a girl.  little jC has been saying he wants it to be a girl.  He even said one night "Can we name her?"  And when I said that it might not be a her, but a him, he seemed open to the idea, but insisted that it should be a girl.  When I was pregnant with cC, he was the same way.  He really wanted a girl baby!

And it looks like my kids won't ever get want they want.  (A lesson we should all learn in life.)
After finding out at the ultrasound that it was, sadly for them, not a girl, I went home and first shared the news with luC.  (as jC was still in school.)

"Guess what the baby is.  A girl or a boy?"
To which she replied "A girl!"
"Nope, it's a boy!"  Yaaay!
Devastation swept across her face.  "Why!?"
"Because that's what it is.  It's a boy!"
Further devastation.  "But I wanted a giiirrl baby!"

Then jC got off the school bus.  I'd considered doing something more exciting to share the news with him to soften the blow.  Like balloons.  Or maybe a cake.  But I opted for a nap over baking.  But I decided I'd just wait until he remembered that we were finding out before I told him.

That took about 45 seconds.  As we walked back home from the bus stop he asked his daily question, "What did you do today."
Stall tactic..."Ummmm.  I slept all day!"
He couldn't be fooled.  "No you didn't!"
Then he remembered!  "What is the baby going to be?"
Ok, super duper excited voice in effect!  "It's a boy!"
His unexpected (for the moment) response, "YAAAAY!"
"Isn't that exciting?  You get to have another brother."
Phew, it worked!
Then I guess because I was the bearer of bad news with a happy voice, he thought he'd return the favor.  In an excited voice he said "And then you are going to have two babies.  And you will get to change two babies diapers."
Well played jC.  Well played.

Then it sunk it.  The disappointment set in.  "But I wanted to have a girl baby."

I'm certain that if cC could talk, he'd comfort me and tell me he knew it was a boy all along and that they are going to be the best of friends.

Adventure Time!

Saturday was a beautiful, magnificent day...weather wise.  After having a snow storm on Monday (And the crazy cold temperatures all winter) the 70 degree weather was more than welcome!  So of course that meant I needed to come up with an adventure for us to take the kids on. And the key to getting juC to agree to an adventure is to find a place for us to eat...with hamburgers.

One of the things I always see people do when they visit NYC is go to Shake Shack.  So imagine my surprise when I found out that we have Shake Shack here in DC.  And not just 1 of them, but 3.  If everyone is always talking about it, I have to try it out for myself.  It was the perfect day to give it a try and enjoy being outside in DC.

So off we went after cC woke up from his nap.

As anyone who lives in this area knows, traffic on 66 going into DC is super predictable.  It's always a mess even when there is no construction or accidents.  When we started realizing a certain trend to the people that we were stuck in traffic with, juC begged the question "Is there an event tonight or something?  Is there a Caps game?"  Smart phone to the rescue!  There was indeed a C-A-P-S! Caps, Caps, Caps! game at 7 p.m.
So then I begged the question, "The Shake Shack isn't by the Verizon Center is it?"
juC's reply: No.  Phew!  Dodged that bullet!  I didn't want to deal with all these people planning to have the same dinner as us before they headed to the game.

As luck would have it, we were able to find a pretty decent parking spot on the street a few blocks before we were to arrive at the Shake Shack.  We unloaded, and began our walk.  As we arrived on a street  corner, we saw...wait...what is that kitty-corner to the Shake Shack?  Is that...the Verizon Center?  How about that!?  Good thing we didn't go to one of the other 2 locations.  I was secretly really wanting to dine with all of the C-A-P-S!  Caps, Caps, Caps fans!

We walked by all the outside tables, which were completely full.  Walked into the Shake Shack and got into the long line.  I took the kids to the bathroom at the back, walking past all of the full tables.  This was going to be a blast and a half!

juC ordered our food while I hi-jacked a table and waited with luC and jC.  jC waited by the counter with cC.  Waiting at that table with them for our food to come while in an overly crowded restaurant was akin to torture.

We waited.

  Then juC and cC joined us at the table.  And we waited some more.

 Then we waited some more.  If only that little thingy would buzz!!

 And finally!  Our food was ready!!  I won't deny, when I first saw what kind of fries they had, I wasn't thrilled.  But I dare say they are the best fries I've had in a long while.  The shake was delicious.  The burger was unfortunately quite salty.  But the bun was really good!

We survived our Shake Shack experience.  My biggest complaint:  The shake wasn't nearly large enough for this here pregnant woman!

After the Shack, we headed for the monuments.  The downside of waiting until cC's nap was over to go on our adventure was the later hour it put us there.  It cooled down a bit, but it was still super nice compared to normal.  First we walked through the Roosevelt Memorial.  It should be noted that a visit to the Roosevelt Memorial was part of a date that juC and I went on that he claims to be one of his favorite dates of all time.  So why, pray tell, did he not remember where it was that we sat gazing into each others eyes??  Just food for thought.

We then walked over to the Jefferson Memorial.  I have to say that the walk around the Tidal Basin from the Roosevelt to Jefferson Memorial is one of the best!  (Note how amazing my kids are at posing for pictures.)

 I also have to say that one of the highlights of the evening was seeing sign after sign on all of the stairs at the Jefferson Memorial saying to use caution because it was slippery, then seeing a teenage girl make a run for it to go to a friend and gracefully fall on her bum.  Don't judge me...she was fine!  And like I said, it was totally graceful.

AND, I ALSO have to say that I'm glad there are pictures of me.  For no other reason then the whole time I couldn't figure out why in the heck my coat was bunched up at the top on one side.  I knew it fit a little differently due to my enlarging stomach, but it was just annoying.  If it weren't for the pictures of me, I never would have realized the next day it was because I had it buttoned ALL WRONG!!  (note in the picture that the left side of my coat is higher than the right.)

 And the final highlight of the night--
Getting to remind juC that I'M NOT HIS MOM!!  He couldn't figure out why I didn't bring him a coat.  Clearly he forgets that even though I am *a mom*, I am not *his mom*.

Although it was a bit chaotic, and my kids listened and followed directions about 0.04% of the time, causing me a lot of frustration, it was fun.  I always forget how lucky we are to live in a place with so many awesome restaurants to try AND amazing monuments and memorials to visit.

juC, juC, juC

It's been a while a while since I've posted about my husband.  You know...the one that doesn't love me as much as your husband loves you.  He's due for another post dedicated to just him.

Back when juC and I were young and in love...I mean, younger and not nearly as in looooove as we are now, and newly married, I did a "spotlight" of him on my blog.  That blog went bye bye, BUT, this was back in the day when I used to actually write the questions and answers on a paper then transfer it to my blog.  So the other day I was looking through my old game score keeping notebook/
recipe notebook and found the spotlight questions and his answers.  I couldn't help but have a good laugh as I read through it.  Then I had the thought that it would be fun to ask the same questions, nearly 7 years later.  You know, to see how much he's grown and matured.

I also did another spotlight of him back in 2009.  You can read that insightful blog post here.

So for your reading pleasure, here are his answers to the questions.  White answers from 2007, and green answers from 2014.  And ( ) are my two cents.  Because how can I NOT out in my two cents?!  I did not read him his previous answers until after I asked them again.

1.  What is your favorite time of day?
Breakfast time, lunch time, dinner time
Ooooo....Evening.  Did I say morning before?

2.  Where in the world would you love to visit?
Costa Rica
Costa Rica
(At least he's consistent with some things.)

3.  What is your favorite kind of bean?
Black bean or green beans.  Wax beans.  Refried beans.
Black beans.  Jelly.

4.  Have you or anyone else ever painted your nails?
Yes.
Yes.

5.  What is your wife's best quality?
Patience...her humor.  Her passion for life.
Her hair.  No...Don't say hair.  I don't know.  Ummm...how she thinks of others.
(Glad he didn't have to strain himself to answer that one.)

6.  What is your most memorable date?
Senior year of high school.  Just kidding!!  Great falls with my wife cause it was a beautiful setting with a beautiful person.
Cherry Blossoms.
(Such a detailed answer.  Don't expound on that or anything.)

7.  If you had to live in a tree, what kind would it be?
An oak tree.
A umm...Redwood.

8.  Do you ever drink milk out of the carton?
No.  Orange juice, yes.
...Not really milk.  Orange juice.
(Seriously, so consistent with the important stuff!)

9.  Who is your favorite sibling?
I don't have a favorite.  I love them all the same.  ....Lorinda.
I don't know.  I don't have a favorite.  I like them all the same...Equally.

10.  What are you holding in your hands right now?
aniC's feet.
Cell phone
(Yes folks.  That one answer right there perfectly sums up the biggest change that has occurred since the last time.  I would be happy to never see a cell phone again!)

11.  What causes the most fights between you and your wife?
Phase 10
Do we fight?  Money.
(Truly, we don't fight.  I mostly just fuss and he mostly just pretends to listen.)

12.  Why is your mother-in-law so great?
Because she's your mom.
Her southern hospitality.

13.  What is your favorite 20s year old memory?
When I got married.
Dating you.
(Awww...)

14.  How do you like your eggs?
Sunny side up.
Fried.

luC, luC, luC

Back when little jC turned 3, I did a birthday questionnaire with him.  I thought it would be fun to do it with all of the kids, every year on their birthday, starting when they turn 3.  jC turned 5 in September, and I have yet to do his for the year.  luC turned 3 in December, and I finally got around to it.

The girl is hysterical.  I swear, if I could keep her this exact age forever, I would totally do it!!  She always says the funniest things.  And always says things that just don't make sense.  So asking her these questions was no different.  It's like she would just say the first thing that popped into her head, even though it wasn't even close to being true!

1.  What is your favorite color?  Purple and Pink (it's true!  I tried, but she still fell for pink.)

2.  What is your favorite toy? Car (Really!?  First she said train, which is random.  Then she said something else.  I finally settled on a car.)

3.  What is your favorite fruit?  Bananas

4.  What is your favorite tv show?  Strawberry Shortcake (I can't tell you the last time she's watched that show.  Which is fine by me.)

5.  What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch?  Grilled cheese (and by that she means "my favorite sandwich to take apart but not eat for lunch.")

6.  What is your favorite game?  Mario Bros.  (Ok, when she said this, I laughed so hard!  I had no idea she knew what Mario Bros was!  Pretty certain she's never played it in her life!)

7.  What is your favorite snack? Raisins

8.  What is your favorite outfit?  Yellow outfit (Ummm...ok?)

9.  What is your favorite animal?  A duck (I guess to match her yellow outfit. I don't think she even owns a yellow outfit
.)

10.  What is your favorite song?  I Am A Child of God

11.  What is your favorite book?  The Mickey book (luC has a lot of books she loves to read.  Not many of them have anything to do with Mickey.  In fact, every time we go to the library, she picks out a million Curious George books and doesn't care about anything else.)

12.  Who is your best friend?  jC (awwww!)

13.  What is your favorite cereal? Cocoa Pebbles

14.  What is your favorite thing to do outside? Play with chalk (At first she just said play.  I made her expound.)

15.  What is your favorite drink?  Juice

16.  What is your favorite holiday?  Christmas

17.  What do you like to take to bed with you at night?  Juice (Her first answer was toys.)

18.  What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?  cereal (When I asked her this question she said "You already asked that."  I had to clarify that I'd asked what her favorite cereal was...not what her favorite breakfast was.)

19.  What is your favorite dinner?  Pizza.  (First answer out of her mouth, with out hesitation was broccoli.  You couldn't bribe her with all the cookies in the world to eat broccoli!!)

20.  What do you want to be when you grow up? A fighter fighter (also known as a fire fighter)

We're Having Another Baby!

In case you missed it (how could you have missed it?)  the C Clan is having another baby.  Yes, ANOTHER baby.  (Believe it or not, there are people out there that have more children than us.  WAY more children than us.  Stop acting so surprised by us having our 4th.)

It's funny.  I hate making lists...like, to do lists.  HATE it.  If I had to choose between making a to-do list and digging a 4x4 foot deep hole with a kitchen spoon, I'd choose the latter.  But for some reason, when it comes to blogging, I'm all about the lists.  Which is something you've probably realized if you've read more than a few of my blog posts.

So of course, I have to make a list, for you, about why we are having another baby.  Not that I really think I owe an explanation.  But hey,  if it helps, why not.

--I gave our first reason on facebook, when announcing our pregnancy.  And I quote, "So here's the thing. I personally think it is important for all of the really good parents in the world that raise smart, nice, well behaved children to have lots of children so as to populate the world with. Conversely, I think it is equally important for all of the inadequate parents in the world that raise sassy, ill-behaved children to have lots of children to even things out. Which is why we are having another baby. Coming to even things out sometime around August."

--I love changing diapers!  Love it, love it, love it.  The more, the merrier.  It's right up there on my list of loves next to making to-do lists.

--juC looks super cute holding a newborn baby.  (And changing their diapers, when he begs me to let him have a turn.)

--When we moved into our house, I did pretty well get unpacked in an appropriate amount of time.  However, it wasn't very organized.  I had cC, at home, a little over a year after we moved into our house.  Those few months leading up to his birth, I was a machine.  I got the house cleaned and organized like never before.  It was awesome.  Then cC was born and it took approximately 3 days 14 hours and 27 minutes for all of the cleaning and organization I did to come undone and only decline since then.  Soooo, have another baby at home = motivation and energy to get the house cleaned and organized to the max.  It's a win-win.  Cute newborn baby AND an organized house.  (Even if it doesn't last very long.)

--Newborn babies smell like heaven. 

--little jC started asking for another baby when cC was like, a week old.  And I give my children everything they want, soooo...

--I wouldn't have said this when I was pregnant with little jC, but I LOVED my pregnancies with luC and cC.  No joke.  I was miserable with jC.  MISERABLE.  And I fear that this pregnancy will have the same outcome.  BUT, I really appreciated the next two pregnancies.  Feeling a growing baby inside of me...that is an amazing, AMAZING experience.  It is something I will forever, and ever be grateful I have been able to experience, and I am thankful for the opportunity to experience it again.  Being able to experience a tiny, growing babies movements is definitely a on the top of my list of why we are having another.  It's truly a huge blessing.

--juC and I love sleep deprivation.  There is nothing like being awake 27 times a night with a newborn baby.  Bring it on!

--Babies are just cute.  Even ugly ones.  How could we not want to stare at another one for hours on end?  Their tiny fingers, and tiny noses, and tiny lips, and tiny feet.  Oh my goodness!! 

--I touched on it already, but seriously, babies are such an amazing blessing.  How could we not want to take advantage of the blessings that we have been given?  People say we are crazy and that's fine (I guess).  Having children is definitely seen as a sacrifice by many, but we are willing to sacrifice for these amazing little humans that our Heavenly Father has so graciously blessed us with.    Although I'm not always as grateful as I should be, and don't always appreciate my children to their fullest, I love them more than I ever knew I could.  There was no denying it was time for another, and we are unbelievably grateful for the opportunity to have another sweet spirit join our family.

**It should be noted that having children has made me appreciate so much the struggle that others have in being able to have children.  Having children made me realize what an amazing miracle it is that not everyone gets to experience, and for those of you that have struggled or are struggling, my heart truly goes out to you!  And I know that you will be blessed beyond measure for your struggle.

Identity Crisis

I hate to say it, but I'm having a major identity crisis.  Now before I go into details, I'm not trying to have a pity party here.  I'm just expressing myself...on my blog...because that's what people do.  Or perhaps I am secretly seeking some sort of validation.  But, it is what it is, and I feel what I feel, and this is what I feel:

So, I jokingly made a post several months ago about my "talents".  As is usually the case with me, it was loaded with sarcasm, and none of the talents I listed were actually really talents.  I mentioned how I'm surrounded by so many talented people that it makes me feel inadequate.  The truth is, that was the truth.  I know, I know...you aren't supposed to compare yourself to others.  But, I'm human, and I do.

It seems that everything I'm good at, there is someone that's way better.  I love to write. I know so many others that are way better.  I love taking pictures.  I know so many others that are way better.  I love to do certain crafts (admittedly, it's a short list).  I know so many people that are way better.  I love to sing.  But I know so many people that are way, way, way, way better.  I love to bake.  I know so many people that are way better.

I could go on, but the point is, no matter what I do, I can't help but compare myself.  And when I compare, I can't help but feel like I just...suck.  And then when I start thinking about all of the things I can't do, that other people do, it makes me feel even worse.

But there's 1 thing...just 1 thing, that I always thought I was really good at.  Being funny.  Jokes, sarcasm, lightening the mood in stressful situations, being ridiculous to get a laugh, the girl with the good come backs, and being witty.  I kept thinking if I had nothing else, at least I had that.

However, lately, I'm realizing that not everyone agrees with me.  Not everyone thinks I'm very funny, or even a little funny.  And not only do they not think I'm funny, but they find me offensive, hurtful, and/or mean.  Never in my quest for funniness have I intended to hurt feelings or cause harm.  Perhaps I shouldn't be so easily offended myself, but I can't deny that when people stop talking to me, tell me to stop,
or avoid me because of it, I can't help but be hurt by it.  It is so hard to realize that there are people that don't like you.  (Am I the only one that was living in a dream world where everyone liked you and is now facing reality?)

So if I'm not good at the one thing I'm supposed to be good at, what am I good at??  If I'm not the funny person, what is my identity?

After several months of trying to figure this out, I still don't have the answer.  Instead, I've just become unbelievably paranoid about everything I say, yet unable to change what I thought was my 1 good "talent".

Living Life With Purpose

You guys!  The other night, I was looking for a specific picture.  I could remember posting this picture on my other blog (the private one that only important people were invited to read).  I couldn't find it with all my pictures so I set off to find it on the other blog, and I ended up taking a lovely, emotional stroll down memory lane.  Back when my kids were wittle, and sweet, and cute, and frustrating.  Oh wait, they're still at that stage, huh?
As I read through these posts filled with pictures of my kids and silly stories, I couldn't help but fall even more in love with them.  And I couldn't help being reminded of the struggles I had during my first couple of years of parenting, and the struggles (STRUGGLES!!!!) I had adjusting to 2 kids.  It was hard!  (It's soooo easy now, though!)(By easy I mean, so completely hard for different reasons and I know that will keep happening as they keep growing.)
Also, as I read through these posts, I was so thankful for them because I have been horrible...HORRIBLE at keeping a journal since becoming a mother.  If it weren't for those posts, I'd have nothing to look back on but 3.5 million pictures, with no stories to fill in the gaps.  And I thought...I need to blog!  Truly, I NEED to.  Blogging is what got me through things.  It's what helped me add a twist of humor to the struggles I had.  I may not be good at much.  And what I'm good at may not be that good.  But I do feel like I'm relatively good at writing and it helps me focus.  It helps me express my thoughts, and come to conclusions, and focus on humor.

The last couple of days, I've been thinking about my kids, and their purpose in life.  I swear, there are some things that they do that I'm convinced someone sat down with them before they were born and said "Your purpose in life is to ______."  And they were given a specific list, and they are determined to do it, and take it very seriously!

jC's Purposes in Life
-His single most important purposes in life are to dance and to play tickle monster.  Everything else are things he just feels obligated to fulfill, but if given the chance, he'd do nothing but dance and play tickle monster all the day long!
-Second, though, is to ask for things to have or do that he knows we will say no to, just so he has a reason to whine.  I swear he does it on purpose.
-Oh wait, I just thought of another thing that should be among the most important in his purposes with dancing and tickle monster.  If he could do those two things, while simultaneously lying under a soft fuzzy blanket in nothing but his underwear, he'd be ALL about it!  He loves, LOVES him some soft blankets.  And the joy of a soft, fuzzy blanket with no clothes to stand between the two of them is pure joy.
-Less important on the list of his purposes is his need to stay up late, no matter how tired he may be.
-His purpose in life is to also be very sensitive to the feelings of others.  (well, he often takes exception to his siblings when he is choosing to be mean to them.)  But if someone is hurt, he hurts.  If someone is sad, he's sad.  He wants them to be better...ASAP.

luC's Purposes in Life
-For a while there I was convinced that luC's only purpose in life was to scream...about everything!  Not a baby screaming, but a toddler, who just likes to scream, if any possible reason is given (or no possible reason is given) to scream.  I have since learned that she does have other purposes.  It's just hard to see them some times, due to all the screaming.
-luC's purpose in life is to tell me she loves me, daily, multiple times.  When I'm saying multiple times, I don't mean 4 or 5 or even 6 or 10.  I mean 239 times.
-Her purpose in life is to do what others do.  If she sees jC doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  If she sees cC doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  If she says anyone in her radar doing something she's not doing, she has to do it.  Luckily (so very luckily) this does not include having meltdowns and freak outs.  Not that she doesn't do those things, but when others do it, she doesn't let it influence her.
-Her other purpose in life is to be the wiggliest human being on the face of the planet when she's sitting in your lap.  She fulfills this purpose to perfection.  And since she loves to sit in laps, she has many opportunities to fulfill and continue to perfection this purpose in life.
-And last, but not least is her hugging.  She hugs like there is no tomorrow and they just might be the best hugs I've ever experienced.  The hugging coupled with the almost constant declarations of love are probably the only things that get me through some days.

cC's Purposes in Life
-cC is just a little guy, but he has some very clear purposes in his life.  #1 on the list, the very top, very most important purpose in his life is to pull luC's hair.  And pull it.  And pull it.  And pull it some more.  Which totally helps luC fulfill her purpose of screaming.  So they were clearly meant to be siblings. Oh, the joy he finds in pulling her hair.  Oh, the determination.
-cC has done really well in his purpose of staying bald.  All of my babies came out baldies.  But cC...well he has gone the extra mile.  By this age, jC and luC had hair.  cC?  He's going for a record.
-cC also was apparently told to be the funniest kid around.  I don't know how kids his age can have such a sense of humor, but he's got one.
-There's this one purpose in life he has that's really throwing me off.  And that is having a pacifier in his mouth at all times.  Now, you may be thinking this is totally normal for a kid his age, but jC and luC were well before 1 when we removed theirs from their mouth never to return it again.  cC, though, he is addicted.  Addicted, I tell you!
-Last on his list, but certainly not least is fulfilling his experiment to see how much he can get by using no words at all, but simply grunting and yelling.  I fear he is being so successful in his purpose that he will never have the desire to get what he wants by any other means.

Now if only I could figure out my purpose in life, we'd be good to go.

Your husband loves you more than my husband loves me

It's been a while since my last blog post.  That's because I have been trying to get over my broken heart.  Time and time again something like this happens.  I always try to convince people that my husband loves me more than any other husband loves their wife.  But the truth of the matter is, it's just not true.  I guess I've just been trying to convince myself of it to make myself feel better.

Let me start from the beginning.

I started realizing that perhaps my husband didn't love me as much as other husbands love their wives several years ago.  It happened one night when I was out late with friends.  Everyone's husbands were checking on them.  Everyone but my husband.  I arrived home at an unreasonably late hour only to find my husband fast asleep.  When I questioned him about not being worried about me he said "I knew you'd call if something was wrong."  My response?  "But your phone was downstairs in the kitchen!!"  Even if something was wrong, and I or someone else tried to call him to alert him, he'd have been peacefully sleeping upstairs, none the wiser that disaster had struck his poor wife!!

But people, it get's worse!  I know what your thinking...how could it possibly get worse?  I assure you, it can.  And this, my friends, is the proof that your husband loves you more than my husband loves me.

On the night of November 6, 2013, I went out with some friends and dined at a fine eating establishment.  We talked, we ate, we talked, we ate some more.  Then we talked more, and more, and more.  Next thing we knew, it was late.  I checked my phone regularly to make sure all was well at home.  Not one single call or text from my husband came asking about my current state of safety.  Not one single ounce of concern was being shown.  Meanwhile, as we've decided the hour was late and we should be getting home, a husband called to check on his wife to make sure all was well.  That husband was not mine!

I arrived home at 11 p.m.  I proceeded to obtain entrance into my home through the garage after being dropped off by a friend.  I keyed in the code to the garage, at which time my friend left because it would only be safe to assume that I'd be fine continuing my entrance into the house at this point.  I arrived at the door from the garage leading into the kitchen only to find it locked!  Was it possible that my husband locked me out of the house THEN went to bed?

I knocked.
No one came.
I called his cell phone.
Then listened to it ringing inside the home while no one answered.

I then exited the garage and made my way to the rear door of the house.  I found the rear door in the same locked state.
I knocked loudly, hoping that my husband, presumably sound asleep right above me would hear his poor, dear wife and come to her rescue.
My loud knocking was done in vain.

Thankfully, I had previously witnessed my husband breaking into our home several months prior when he inadvertently locked us out of the house.  With crossed fingers, I hoped that my felony skills were as good as his.  Luckily they were (I should look into a career change) and I was able to gain entrance into our home...finally...without any help from him.

Upon further inspection of the home, I found my husbands cell phone, sitting all by itself on the kitchen counter.  I then found my husband, sound asleep in our bed, completely oblivious to where I was and the potential trouble I was in.

It was in that moment, right then and there, that I realized that your husband loves you more than my husband loves me.  And it was in that moment, that my poor little heart broke into a million tiny pieces.

I mean sure, my husband loves me enough to do the dishes multiple times a week.  And sure my husband loves me enough to work hard for our family so that we can enjoy all the comforts of life. And OK, he loves me enough to support me in a lot of my crazy ideas that other people judge me for. And it's true, he loves me enough to make me hot chocolate when I'm craving it but all he wants to do is sit on the couch and rest.  And it's true, he does love me enough to take our child to the bus stop on cold mornings so that I can stay in our warm house with the other kids.   And yes, my husband loves me enough to buy me things that I probably don't need, but really want.  And yes, my husband loves me enough to watch the kids while I have girls nights.

But still!!

It was in that moment that I knew that the only way my heart could be put back together and become whole again would be if my husband would bring me a slice of Hershey's Sundae Pie everyday for the next 5 years.

Fall Rambling

I love Halloween and fall.

Perhaps it's because fall means pumpkin and I love pumpkin.  Pumpkin patches, pumpkins on the porch, pumpkin in every bit of food I eat.

Perhaps it's because fall means brightly colored leaves on trees and I want to take a picture of every tree I see.

Perhaps it was because it was a Halloween barn dance that juC and I shared our first dance together.

Perhaps it's because it was in the midst of Halloween and fall that Jud and I had our first date.

And having children has only intensified my love of fall and Halloween.  I love having photo shoots with my kids in their costumes. I have looked at the above picture about 1,293 times since Halloween because I feel like it's the perfect depiction of everything I love about Halloween.  My kids in their costumes.  Each holding their buckets for collecting candy.  Holding hands (even if it was only for 5 seconds) as they walked down the beautiful fall tree lined street.  It's another one of those images I wanted seared into my memory.

I have this terrible...habit. (Is it a habit?  A curse?  A blessing?  To be honest, I don't know what it is.  And I don't know if it's me, or something more powerful than me that causes it)  There are certain times that triggers something in my head where I have visions into the future.

I'll give you an example.

A few weeks ago luC went upstairs to get something while I stood at the bottom of the stairs and waited for her.  Because she is still so tiny, walking down the stairs takes her a great deal of effort.  Add the that the fact that she was carrying something down with her, she had to walk down slowly, carefully, and resting her hand on the wall as she walked down.  As she was walking down in that particular way, an image flashed in my head of her 15 years from now, walking down the stairs ever so carefully in a prom dress as I waited at the bottom of the stairs for her.

The picture above causes me to have the same kind of flash into the future of my children.  When I look at that picture I see jC and luC several years from now, walking together, talking each others ears off, and being great friends.  But I picture them being too cool to dress up for Halloween.  I picture them at a time in their lives when they no longer let me pick out their costumes and are too old to let me have photo shoots with them.  Ok, so a part of me pictures them being bratty teenagers who want nothing to do with me more often than not.

I don't know if those visions will come true, but  for that reason I love fall and Halloween even more right now.  I love taking them to the pumpkin patch and watching them pick out their pumpkins.  I love that they let me pick out their costumes and are excited to dress up.  I love seeing the excitement on their face when they realize how much candy they are getting from neighbors.  I love the joy they get each time they eat more of their treasured candy.  I love it, I love it, I love it.  And I will forever be grateful for this time of year and for these memories.  And I will hold on to these memories like my life depends on it.

All about ME!

I feel like I am surrounded by talented people.  So many of my family and friends are so talented.  And it's like they are all greedy with their talents because it's not just a couple of things that they are really good at, but a whole slew of things.  It hardly seems fair.  And it makes me feel inadequate.  So many things other people are good at that I'm not.  Then I thought "Hey, instead of focusing on that, I should focus on the things I am good at!" And then I decided I might as well make a list.  Because there were so many talents I do have once I really thought about it, I didn't have anymore room on the mental list I was using.  So here is a hard copy of my talent list.  (I thought I'd share it with everyone in case you, too, were thinking I didn't have any talents and want to know what things I'm actually good at.)

--I'm super talented at putting my foot in my mouth.  In fact, I'm so good at it that I don't usually notice it's in there until half of my leg has worked it's way in there, too.

--When it comes to laundry my talents are varied!  1.  I'm good at waiting until the last possible day to get laundry done.  2.  I'm awesome at putting clothes in the dryer then forgetting to start the dryer.  3.  I'm amazing at putting clean clothes in a laundry basket and never putting them away.  AND 4.  I'm great at not ironing wrinkly clothes.

--I'm a talented driver...back seat driver.  Just ask juC.

--I am so, so, so, so, sososososo talented at eating.  I mean really.  I can eat anywhere, anytime, anyhow.  I can eat fast.  I can eat slow.  I can eat cold things or hot things.  Sweet things or savory things.  You show me some food, and I will show you the best way to eat it.

--Some talents took becoming a mother to develop.  Like being mean to kids was a talent I never had until my children came along.  I'm still perfecting this talent, but my kids think I'm a master at it.

--I have a great talent in avoiding people.

--I am amazingly talented at sitting on the couch doing nothing when the house needs to be cleaned without feeling an inch of guilt about it.  It's one of my favorite talents.

--juC probably wouldn't want me to admit this, but I am so dang good at making him feel guilty.  It's a talent I've really tried to perfect over the years.  I'm not sure if I've mastered it yet, I'll have to ask him.

--You know how there are some talents that you try to hide because if people knew you had them, they'd always be asking you questions about it?  This is one of them.  I have an inhuman ability to wear nothing but pajamas and stay in my house for DAYS.  I've considered trying to set a world record for most consecutive days wearing pajamas while remaining inside, but jC starting school really threw me off my game.

--I have a very special talent in hearing what people say and twisting it into what I want to hear.  This talent can be used for both good and evil.

--I am top notch when it comes to not making goals.

I could go on, but I have a messy kitchen and a couch I need to go sit on while I look at the messy kitchen.  I highly suggest if you are feeling overwhelmed by your supposed lack of talent compared to everyone else's plethora of talent, to sit down and make a list of your own.

Memories

Last week, after jC got home from school, he and luC sat down to watch a show.  Baby cC came up and started pulling on luC's feet and she called out to me that he was getting her.  jC sweetly said "you can put them on me so he can't get you."

Since jC started kindergarten, they pretty much fight nonstop after he gets home from school.  (Particularly about luC sitting too close in proximity to him while they watch a show) So when this scene went down, there was a glimmer of hope that they won't be mortal enemies forever.

There are a whole slew of occurrences like this that I'm so scared I'm going to forget but want to always remember.  I have been absolutely horrible at keeping a journal, which makes me so sad.

Like a few weeks ago when jC and luC were going up the stairs and jC said "I'm going to win!" (because he always has to win) and luC sweetly and innocently said "I'm going to lose." (because for the most part, what does she care?)

Or last week when luC found one of those neck support things for when people travel and thought it was a boppy.  She put it around her and said she was going to feed cC.  Then proceeded to pull up her shirt as he sat in the exersaucer and he tried to grab her.

Then there was about a month ago when I was on a walk with luC and cC.  It's funny because luC has no interest in cars.  Because...she's a 2 year old girl and all.  But she is always noticing jeeps.  (Yeah!)  So there was a jeep that she saw out on our walk that prompted a conversation about her wanting a jeep and that's what she's going to drive when she's a big girl.  Something about having that conversation with a 2 year old was funny and made me proud.

And one of my favorites is when I'm in another room doing something and cC starts crying and jC says "cC is crying and luC didn't do anything!"  Because we all know if cC is crying, it's probably because luC is torturing him!

And last week I got jC his pouch apple sauce to put into his lunch box.  I showed him that these ones had new helicopter looking tops to make for easier opening for younger kids.  He was asking all about it and said "Who came to put the new tops on?"  I love the way their little minds work.

Or the way luC calls high chairs "hiding chairs".
Or the way jC calls Chuck-e-Cheese "Chuck-e-cheezits" and McDonald's "Old McDonald's".
Or the way jC and luC both say "smarshmellows".

Seriously, I don't want to forget ANYTHING!  Ok, maybe I do want to forget some of it.  But for the love of Pete, I really need to do better about documenting!!  It already makes me sad to think about all of the little things I'm going to forget

But going back to my first story and mentioning my kids constant fighting about sitting too close to each other.  What is with that?!  We seriously have a very large couch that could seat 7 people comfortably, but my 2 small children can't make it work?  And we have a very large floor area, and my kids both want to sit in the same spot on the floor and have a huge fight about it?  I swear, it's a conspiracy!

Esther 12:27

One of the biggest sources The biggest source of guilt that I feel in my every day life is in my lack of abilities as a mother.  Specifically my biggest weakness...my lack of patience which usually quickly escalates to a raised voice or yelling.  Every time I yell at one of my children I immediately feel guilty.  Every time I read things from other people who talk about their imperfections as a parent, but then say things like "But at least I don't yell at my kids", I feel guilty.  I read those things, or read uplifting posts from other moms who have "figured it out" and I vow to myself to do better.

But the reality is, the next day luC stands by the toilet and pees on the floor.  And then she body slams cC because he has a toy she wants.  And jC freaks out because he can't have what he wants right when he wants it.  And he hits luC for the pure joy of it.  The new day and new start I was looking forward to is just a brand new day of the reality that I am impatient and my kids are kids.

Yesterday, as I sat on the couch and juC was down in the basement with the kids, little jC came upstairs.  He was smiling and happy and he kept hugging me and giving me kisses.  He grabbed on to my hand, and gently shaking his head with exclamation, he whispered "I really love you."  My heart melted and broke at the precise moment he said it.

Then later in the day, luC came and sat on me while I was watching General Conference.  Similar to my experience with jC in the morning, she repeatedly hugged me and kissed me, and kept sweetly saying "I love you."  Similarly, my heart melted and broke at the same time.

My kids are kids.  They are pure.  They are sweet.  They are easy to forgive and usually easy to forget.  But I know it won't always be that way.  As they showed so much natural affection to me it made me thankful that apparently I'm doing at least part of my job right.  It made me glad that in spite of my failings, they can still find it in their heart to love me and appreciate me.  But it made my heart break because I know that in the not distant future, they will grow up.  And when they grow up, they won't so easily forgive my shortcomings.  They won't so easily look past my lack of patience.  They won't be so willing to show me love when I'm so willing to show them anger.

With all of my heart I want to do better.  I want to be the mom they deserve and need.  I'm trying with all of my might to be patient and loving even when they push me to my absolute limit.  I don't know if I will ever perfect my impatience.  But I hope with everything in me that I can overcome what I consider to be a huge trial before they are old enough to lose their patience with me and realize that maybe I don't deserve their unconditional love.  I will strive each day to do a little bit better than I did the day before in the hopes that one day I will get it right.  And I will find a little bit of comfort in the fact that even though I may not be doing it right, I am at least trying.

What's with us women?

Every once in a while, I post something serious. This is one of those times.  I actually originally started writing this post well over a year ago, but recent thoughts and such have finally prompted me to actually finish and post it.

About 2 years ago I was at stake conference, and it was the one where they do a broadcast. I wish I could remember which General Authority it was that spoke, but I can't remember for the life of me. Which is horrible, because it was an amazing talk.

As he was speaking, it's like he was speaking directly to me and what I needed to hear.  Then he said something that made me immediately take out a pen and paper to write what he said, which is so very rare for me!  Of course by the time I got the pen and paper, I was just hoping that what I actually remembered to write down was anything near what he actually said. What I wrote down was (Satan is) "Trying to divert from womanly/motherly duties by having us focus on our physical attributes."

This (probably very abbreviated) statement really hit me. Everywhere I look, I feel like we are focusing on the physical. Whether it is trying to get in perfect shape after having a baby, or trying to look physically attractive with the clothes we wear. I constantly see pins on Pinterest for "losing 5 lbs quickly", "get flat abs in 5 weeks" or pins for what clothes are most in style. I constantly find myself wanting to make sure I look a certain way hoping that people will accept or like me more. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting to look presentable, but I can't help but feel like it's something that we've let consume us at times.

To hear that it is Satan's way of trying to divert me from my womanly/motherly duties really struck me. Of all the ways I thought of him trying to divert me from those things, I never considered that as one of them.  And I see now that it's not just wanting to be in shape and wear perfectly styled clothes, but the time I take to figure out what those things are. How much time am I spending online looking for the perfect clothes to wear? How much time do I spend online trying to find the perfect hairstyle? How much time do I spend online seeing what exercises I should be doing to flatten my motherly stomach? I don't know the exact answer, but I know that whatever time that is, it was time spent away from my husband and my children.

Why have we as women become so critical of ourselves?  Why do we think we are ugly or unattractive because our stomachs aren't what they used to be before we had kids?  Why do we not see how badly we are making other women/mothers feel when we constantly criticize our physical appearance when they look like us, too?  Why have we put so much unneeded pressure on ourselves and others to have the "perfect" body?  Why do we start freaking out about our size 2 weeks after having a baby??  Why do we allow celebrities to set the bar for unrealistic expectations of what we should look like?  Why can't our focus be on being healthy and not on being thin??  Why can we not see what thoughts and expectations we are putting into our kids heads when we do all of these things??  And why...WHY do we let these things keep us from being the women and mothers we should be??

I cannot deny the fact that I have feelings of anger (yes, anger) with how much focus is put on our physical appearance these days.  No matter where I go I see people posting and talking about losing weight, wanting to get rid of their "baby pooch", feeling down because they don't look like they used to, being jealous of so and so because they look so much better, and on and on and on.  I'm so done with it.  And while I'm at it, I'm done with people making underhanded compliments about MY physical appearance.

So how about this...
How about we all stop obsessing (Yes, I do believe it has become an obsession) over our physical attributes?  How about we all focus on being healthy?  How about we all just accept ourselves and everyone else for who they are?  How much better would we be as women and mothers if we put half the effort into our children/families/friends as we did into researching and trying to attain the perfect body?

No, none of us come out and say to someone (or at least I hope we don't)  "Gee, your body looks disgusting."  But basically, that's what we are saying by what we say about ourselves, and by other actions.  So can we all just agree to stop?  Please?

Is your daddy a baker?

No, but my grandpa was.

That's juC's favorite pickup line on me.  And it's true, my grandfather was a baker.  And although I would never consider myself even close to being a baker, I do have a love for baking.  Because who doesn't love to eat fresh baked goods?!  Ok, it's more than just that.  I really do enjoy baking.  And it can be very therapeutic.

Up until last year, I'd never ventured into bread baking.  But then I came across a recipe for hot bread that looked so simple, I figured even I could do it.  If there's anything about me you should know, it's that I only do things that are simple and doable, so if I could do it, you could do it.

I was nervous, but I tried it, and it was so tasty.  Fresh out of the oven with some honey on it...oh my word, people!  And the fact that the process is easy and not time consuming is a huge bonus.

Make dough and let it rest for a few.

 Let it rise for an hour, or until it reaches the top of the pan,

 Bake 20 minutes to perfection.

 I kid you not, this picture was taken 10 minutes after the bread was taken out of the oven.

 Because, I kid you not, putting some good honey on it is oh so heavenly.

Thank goodness I have this oven because on this particular day I made 3 full loaves and 4 mini loaves and it took no time at all.

Here is the story behind the recipe shared on the blog post I found and the recipe:

Kimmons, who grew up in West Virginia, learned to make bread by watching her grandmother and neighbor.

"Making homemade bread is more about experience than technique", Kimmons said.

“The people who taught me how to bake bread didn’t check the temperature of the water with a thermometer,” she said. If the water is warm on the wrist, it’s the right temperature for proofing the yeast, and that’s something you don’t learn from a book.

“They just knew what bread felt like,” Kimmons said.

“I just love to bake bread. It relaxes me. It reminds me of growing up, and the smell of hot bread smells like home, a cozy home,” she said.

Kimmons’ recipe is simply called “hot bread” and it has only six ingredients and a few lines of instructions.


Hot Bread
Recipe from the Providence Journal – Carla Kimmons.
2 ¼ cups all-purpose flour (plus extra for kneading)
1 cup warm water
1 package dry yeast
2 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons melted margarine
1 teaspoon salt

Oven to 375. Grease a loaf pan. 

Combine all the ingredients in a large bowl and mix well. (juC about freaked out when he was watching me make it and I didn't let the yeast rise in water first, but that's not necessary for this!)

Turn the mixture out onto a floured surface. It will be sticky. Knead extra flour into the dough until it is no longer sticky. Form into a ball and let rest 10 minutes. Place the dough in the pan. Let sit in a warm place for 1 hour, or until it rises to the top of the pan. Bake for 20 minutes, or until the top is nicely browned.

Try it people.